feeling ignored

[attheendofmyrope]

thanks Michelle for the support. I wish I had a friend here (closeby),someone I could call up and talk to when things get bad and know someone will listen and also to listen to them but this board is the next best thing, right?

My husband is a complete #%$% (just fill in whatever word you want to there). I dont know if he's testing to see if I'm serious or really trying to egg me on to do something to myself. He is an EMT and he will come home and tell me detailed stories about suicides (knowing that will trigger me!) and when I make a comment about being suicidal, he will tell me what would be the most effective way (such as telling me what will and wont work, where to place the gun, etc)

I dont know if he's trying to 'shock' me out of being suicidal or like I said testing my resolve or what but he's playing a dangerous game with me because he has no idea how serious I was at the time.

I must have some inner strength though and I think a lot of it does have to do with knowing I have to be here for my children. Sometimes I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and I never know which one is gonna win.

I have survived 10+ overdoses since the age of 13 (some being serious suicide attempts and some just trying to escape from pain), have tried every combination possible and I'm still here. Even when i dont want to think about it, I realize at least subconsciously there must be a reason for that.

Staci

[even_sly]

Staci ~ You talked about herbal remedies? Fish oil is good. St. John's Wort too. I'm not sure if you knew that or not.

Sometimes just smelling lavendar makes me feel at "peace."

Are you sure you don't want to try another med? What about Cymbalta? That's pretty new and I know two people who say it works really well. Also, have you tried combinations of meds. I felt pretty good on Celexa and Anafranil (I have OCD, too). Right now I'm just on Zoloft and Klonopin because I'm trying to get pregnant. But, once I do and the baby's cool, I'll probably go back to the Anafranil at least.

Have you tried meditation? You can find books on it or find out how to do it online. Just some more thoughts.

Take care ~ sly

[warrenpoint]

Staci - I think that is your name. I am sorry you feel so bad but I can assure you that things will change. I had depression in my twenties and then those days they gave you Valium. I felt like a zombie. after about a month I came off it and decided to try to fix the problem my self. I just got into life again. I can't explain it but I decided to get up and do stuff to get me out of the house. I worked then and that helped. I would like to say something to you about your husband. Just my opinion, o.k. I am sure he is hurting very much to to see you this way and he probably feels helpless. Husbands say things hurtful because they don't know how to handle things. Living with someone who has depression is catching - the other person feels it too but not to the same degree. You have four beautiful children and just love them and do your best. I don't know if you have tried prayer, but ask God to take this from you as you can't handle it alone. Like one person who posted before please go and talk to a preacher, pastor or someone in a church, if you don't have one of your own to go to. You have a lot on your plate with four children but I know deep down you will make it and look back and see how your life has changed. You need a friend to talk to about your problems. Do you have a good friend in your town. I also live in a small town in Texas and it can be lonely at times. I came from overseas to live. Met my texas husband in Saudi where I was working and I know what it is to be lonely in a small town with no friends. Just hang in there and I promise things will get better. It may take some time but you will get there.

[attheendofmyrope]

I just typed out a post and when I went to post it, my computer froze up so I dont know if it is going to post or not, if this shows up twice I apologize.

No, I do not have any good friends here. I have a few acquaintances, people I see at church and at ballgames and at dance classes and stuff, mostly stuff that my kids are a part of. Definitely nobody I can call up when things get bad and vent about things.

I made a minor breakthrough tonight. I got an invitation from the mother of one of my daughter's friends to go out to a karaoke bar and on the spur of the moment I accepted. That is totally out of character for me to do something like that after so many years of just being a wife and mother and nothing else.

I am proud of the fact that I made the effort to get up, shower, put on nice clothes, do my hair, and go out of the house. For most people, that is a simple task but as anyone here knows when you're seriously depressed it takes a lot of effort to make yourself do the simplest things.

My husband did not go. He stayed here with the kids. He really doesnt care what I do and where I go. one thing we do have in this marriage is 100% trust in each other.

I will admit I had a good time although it was very hard because I'm so shy. I tried to make it clear to them that I was shy and hope I didnt come across as snobby. There was no WAY I was singing in front of others, I blush just from speaking to someone new sometimes. I did loosen up after a couple of drinks but it would have taken more than two drinks to get me that loosened up! lol

On one hand, I was having a good time but I still felt that nagging feeling of being an outsider looking into somebody else's world. I looked at all the other people laughing and dancing and wondered how it seems to come so easily to some people and then there's people like me that kinda fade into the background. Maybe I just need practice I havent always been this way.

one baby step at a time, right...at least I was out of the house and not sitting here crying in front of the computer like I usually am.

Staci

[wxKathy2]

Hi Staci,
Good for you!!!!! I do know exactly how hard it is to shower, fix my hair etc....I admire your courage for going out and doing that!! I do know what you mean about "watching someone else's life"....I know that feeling - but that is so great that you did that....Maybe I should try something like that sometime too - yes....one step at a time...
Hang in there......and best wishes....

Kathy