The emotional aftermath

[sherebel]

Around lasty May I started posting here because my husband had PC. He had a radical June 6th 05. I was so happy that the cancer was operable and the drs felt they got it all. He had negative margins. SInce his surgery, we have had no sexual contact. He's had Viagra, Levitra, the the pump. He hasn't even wanted to talk about it tome. We got to the point where we didn't even cuddle or hug anymore and he never wanted to discuss the problem. Instead we swept it under the rug. I love him anyway and night after night I laid beside him never mentioned it because it made him uncomfortable, it was my way of saying that it did not matter to me that we could not have sex and I loved him anyeay. Well, he filed for divorce 4 weeks ago telling me that he has fallen out of love for me and does not feel affection for me anymore. When I talk to him now he mentions that he's 'half a man' and continues to say that I deserve better. My heart is just crushed! I feel that he should just be happy that he has a clean PSA and a wife that loved him no matter what! Could someone tellme if you felt these things after your surgery or lost 'affection' or fell out of love with your spouse!

[andria2424]

Sherebel-
Will your husband go to counseling? He may be doing this because he feels you deserve a partner who can perform on command. My husband and I have to plan "dates" since his prostatectomy as the blood flow to his organ is not what it used to be. That is normal. When 2 people love each other sexual inconvenience is a small issue. I pray I will have my husband around for many more years, whether we have sex or not. I hope you can work things out with counseling.

[sherebel]

He say's he doesn't believe in counseling. I expressed to him over the phone twice since we've been split up and I've written him a letter assuring him that I was happy and loved him anyway - regardless of the impotency. There is absolutely no way that he cannot now this. Before we broke up he didn't even want to discuss it - it made him uncomfortable. I've done everything that I can do to let him know that it doesn't matter to me about that. In fact, I told hi min myletter that Being a man in my dictionary means so much more to me than 30 minutes in the sack. He told me also that there was no other woman and quote" I'm half a man- I don't want another woman:. Seems that he'd love me even more than before the surgery because I was content laying beside him without asking him for more. I mean, I was just happy that I had him 'alive'.

[All_Sevens]

It just does not work to "sweep it under the rug". I hope you can find a good counselor who can help you lift the rug and get this issue out into the open. Just a few observations from my point of view as a prostate cancer surgery survivor:

1) It is normal for men to not "just be satisfied with a clean PSA". In most cases, sexual function is very important to men, whether or not they or their doctors talk about it. And if the patient doesn't talk about it, it can eat him up inside.

2) Sex following protatectomy often needs to be re-developed, almost from scratch. I don't have near the function I had preceding this operation, but with my doctor and girlfriend, I've developed a program for rehabilitating this important part of my life. I use a pump for maintaining length and erectile tissue, and injections for weekly intercourse. By the way, these injections have made for some amazing experiences, with erections that last for an hour, including after an orgasm. I'm still hoping to recover more natural erectile ability.

3) By making it safe for you and your partner to communicate about what's really going on here, intimacy can return, even if it doesn't specifically involve intercourse at first.

I hope you can get a conversation going.

[andria2424]

Sherebel-
I totally agree with AllSevens. My husband and I had similar experiences. ( Starting from scratch.)
Again, let me say that I feel for you and I hope you can get your husband to reconsider his negative attitude towards counseling. Perhaps he will listen to a clergyperson to whom you could both speak.