Not worried anymore... Not anything anymore...

[Steve1]

Sometimes i feel like a battery, just here to supply others with life!
I go to work, sit all day and type on this computer, go home, watch a little tv and then sleep. I do this everyday... To me, this is not living, but anxiety has it's way with me! i don't want to go out because i worry about money... I am not myself anymore and don't want to bore others or be bored by them. I feel fake when i am around other people, but hate to be alone... I get to see my kids two days out of the week and am excited when they do come, but after they get there, the anxiety sets in and ruins my time with them. Now don't get me wrong, I want to live, but this to me is just too montonious. Life should be savioured and enjoyed, but having this disease has cause me to lose my family and friends... Some days i just want to pack it all in and leave, but where do i go?
I take xanax and luvox, now the xanax helps with anxiety, but i think it tend to depress a person. and the luvox is a upper, but i think it tends to make the anxiety worse... Is there a balance?

Blahhhhhh
Steve

[JB68711]

Hey thanks everybody for replying... ocdengineer, I think you were right about the depression aspect. Sorry, I have another long post continuing from the original one...

Wednesday, still feeling the same dulled feelings. I began dwelling throughout the day... questioning myself, who am I... what kind of person I am. Feeling empty, I couldn't come up with an answer. I just feel like I'm not the person I used to know.

Then that night I started watching this documentary on TV (on a guy named David Reimer)... and I hoped for a happy ending to a sad story, but the ending was tragic. I became to feel really sad, and then just went to bed.

Today, Thursday, I began to feel anxious and nervous about my psychologist appt. Not too bad, not very panicky. But I had in my head a lot of things from this past week I had wanted to talk about, and as I drove to the appointment I could feel all these things in my mind start to scatter. When I went in, I touched on a lot of things I wanted to... but I had a hard time elaborating. Then we started digging into the past... which didn't bother me, it was actually kind of comforting to talk about things that I haven't thought about in a while. The time was soon up... and I left in a better-than-usual mood... and went over to a friend's house (one that I hung out with on Tuesday), and everything was going fine for the first hour or so.

Then she mentioned going to hang out with more friends that I hung out with Tuesday night, and I started feeling nervous... but decided I'd get over it and be fine. As we started getting closer I got more and more nervous... and felt depersonalization setting in. I tried not to think about it, hoping it would go away, but it wouldn't. When we got there, I was even too nervous to tell her I didn't want to be there. I managed to say "Can we not stay for very long?" We only stayed for about 40 minutes, my friend saving me by telling everyone she was tired and was going home. But the whole time we were there I was just awkward, uncomfortable... couldn't think about anything to say, and spaced out with a lot on my mind.

After I dropped my friend off, I started feeling really crappy about everything... even my appointment earlier. I started thinking about the things that we had talked about in the past, which I had never had a problem with... but now I'm just thinking "we're going to have to do so much more digging, and more issues are gonna come up and how are we going to figure out which one is my problem, or are we even going to find the root of my anxiety, am I going to be in this cycle forever?"

So now I'm back to square one... feels like I'm never going to be myself again.

[jules174]

Hi JB,

I am awaiting on counciling which I have never tried before, I have been warned that counciling isn't easy as it makes you face the issues into why we have these anxiety feelings and attacks. Even though I have not yet experienced a counciling session I would expect I will feel just the same as you. Don't forget as we feel slowly better we will have bad days. I know that I can feel ok for maybe a few days and then feel my anxiety comming on and get very down thinking I'm back to square one again. I think you should try and feel positive that you have managed a good day x

[JB68711]

Hey Jules... thanks for the support. I know I should try to be positive even when the worried feelings come back... but it's hard because those few days I was managing, I was positive... and then it just broke down once I felt the anxiety again.

Today I've been able to have long periods without it... I've been able to clear my mind, and be calm and feel fine... still very tired, but fine. I am happy for this, and I think the best thing anyone can do is stay positive... don't feed into negativity, it'll only bring you down.

Thanks again for your post, and good luck for your counseling.

[808Lion]

thought i'd mention something...
some food for thought i guess...

i just had my 1st session with a psychologist that's going to focus on using CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to try and help with my anxiety / panic disorders...

he said a couple of things that i thought were interesting...
he said he believed (i guess as do other CBT therapists) that traditional "talk" therapy isn't as effective at treating anxiety / panic nor as effective in keeping it from coming back...
even suggested that sometimes it might make things worse...
also said that the CBT doesn't usually take as long as talk therapy...
that if you're not starting to see results in a reasonable amount of time, you don't have to keep trying forever, and he would suggest maybe looking into other avenues if it doesn't work...

everything i've read seems to suggest that CBT (sometimes in combination with medication) is the most effective form of therapy for treating anxiety / panic and for keeping it from returning...

just my $0.02... :-)