Been lurking for years, need advice

[Uhoh71]

Well I will try to give a "short" introduction to give all the facts so you know and understand my situation.

I am 35. I have been "happily" married to the most wonderful man in the world for 17 years. We have 4 wonderful children. A 16year old daughter, 13year old son, 8year old son, and 10 year old son(deceased, another story for maybe another time). 2 older brothers, wonderful parents, christian family. In laws (husbands family) are another story all together.

All my life I have been sort of sickly. About 6 years ago things got really "sticky" though. I have had more surgeries than any person should have to undergo in 10 lifetimes. I have enough titanium holding me together that I should be the bionic woman. I have been on extremely strong narcotics for the last 6 years. (This is where the problem is coming...) I lost down to 80lbs about a year after starting the narcotics. I'm 5'4" and small framed so 80lbs wasn't too bad in my opinion. Of course the doctors were hollering anorexia and feeding tubes and didn't even take into consideration that the narcotics might have something to do with the weight problems. I've had intestinal surgeries so they thought that could be part of the problem. (All those years of med school and you'd think they would be a little smarter, reminds me of the joke, "What do you call someone who graduated last in their class from med school, Answer: Doctor" However, with that said, I do not blame my doctors for things I have done and allowed to happen.

Fast forward 6 years to the present. I have been on 75mcg fentanyl, 40mg oxycodone every 4 hours, 15mg morphine 2xday, neurontin 300mg 4xday, coumadin 7.5mg day, promethazine 4Xday, there are about 5 others, but they don't really have anything to do with the rest of my story.

Of course, I didn't immediately start out on this strengths of these medicines. I started pain management with a specialist. He started me on narcotics after a couple years of trying every other modality they could think of. None of that worked. I discussed with him on several occassions that I was worried about the narcotics and becoming addicted because of comments made by in laws. He reassured me that the narcotics were no different than the asthma meds or other meds I needed to live. I accepted his answers but in the back of my head I knew I had an addictive personality. My family had dealt with addiction to alcohol during my childhood. (My parents) They stopped drinking cold turkey and with the amounts they were consuming it was just a miracle from God that they were able to do that, and I do mean it was from God. That is where they drew thier strength. I do believe that addictive personalities are hereditary.

Slowly over the years I started using more of my meds than were prescribed. My doctor was giving me refills up to 10 days early. (I have excellent insurance through my husbands corporation and they don't question early refills, good thing too because these meds cost about 4 grand a month). I have taken as much as 600mg of oxy a day on top of the 75mcg of fentanyl and the other meds.... oh yeah I forgot to mention the SOMA. The more I think about it, it was when they changed my muscle relaxer to Soma that I started increasing the other meds without my doctors knowledge. My physical condition is pretty bad. I can barely walk 20 feet from my recliner to the guest bathroom without almost passing out. I have no muscle mass left. The doctors explained that the anorexia caused my body to start feeding on my muscle mass and organs for protein. Funny huh. Your body will actually eat itself. I am starting to have heart problems. My blood pressure is naturally extremely low which in itself causes organ problems. 80/40 is an average reading for me. I actually began preparing my family for my death. I knew it was imminent. I am so weak. There have been nights when I was scared to go to sleep because I just knew I wouldn't wake up. Then, oh my God, my sister in law whom I loved dearly (the only person in my husbands family that I could bond with. She was married to my husbands brother. Believe it or not we both dated him at the same time, until I found out about her. She loved him and I didn't have the same feelings toward him as she did. And to top it off, I "Really" liked her. I grew to love her as a sister in law. We had a bond that was unspeakeable and unbreakeable.) Last year, on the Monday after Thanksgiving, she called me that morning to tell me she didn't feel well. She had lung problems like me but it wasn't really that advanced or bad. No where near mine. I got a phone call around 2am Tuesday morning telling me she was gone. The ambulance had picked her up from her home and when they got there her oxygen levels were in the 70s. Not too bad cuz she had been in the 40's before and pulled back. Well with the oxygen the EMT's administered, she was back in the 90's. They decided to take her to a small local hospital just in case. She had been coughing up blood. (She never told us, we found the blood in the garbage can in her bedroom and on her pillows). The hospital staff decided to intubate her. Well they have to paralyze you to do that and they have about 2 minutes to get you intubated. (I know all about this...) The OD'd her on those paralytic meds and she had a massive heart attack. 34 years old, 2 beautiful children, the most wonderful friend, sister in law, mother, person you have ever met. This should not have happened. I was so angry with God and am still dealing with those issues. Why her, why not me? that type of thing.

[Uhoh71]

I couldn't deal with her death. She was rather wealthy because she had a hard life. She was only 34 but had lost her father, her mother, her brother and other things that just should not have happened to her. Her family had left her several nice homes, cars, SUV's , and lots of money for the children. A few days after her funeral I was on my way to the doctor, driving one of her cars (I have plenty of my own, I was driving it because it smelled like her, you know what I mean if you've ever lost someone. ) I almost had an accident because it all hit me at one time. I was given all her clothes and everything and her smell and all but I couldn't "feel" her anymore. It drove me to the edge, but guess what? The narcotics help you to not "feel" anymore. I didn't have to "feel" all that pain. My son that passed away was on Oct 20th and my SIL was Nov 29th... My doc knows this and suggested upping my depression meds to get me through this. Every year at my son's date of death, I go into depression but my doc was on top of it. He just didn't realize I started medicating myself. He still doesn't know.

My 16 year old called me on the narcotic use. Told my mom she was scared I was abusing my meds and she was going to find me dead like her aunt and she just couldn't take it. Well, guess what? No amount of narcotics could make me not feel what that felt like. I got angry at first and denied the accusations. My husband stood by my side, and my mom apologized and said she was sorry because she knew how much pain I was in. Want to know something. My daughter was right and deep down I knew it. I took a hard look at myself. I was lying her in dirty pajamas and smelled like death. I knew that night (last week) that I was almost dead, I smelled it, felt it. I dragged myself to the bathroom in the middle of the night and cleaned myself up. I was shaking from withdrawals and figured I was going to go into cardiac arrest from the withdrawals because my body is so "broken". I could not have my family embarrassed by finding me filthy. That is not me. I have always been pretty much a clean freak. (My father is retired military). I am off of everything but the fentanyl patch since last week. Yes, there were days of hell coming off all that other stuff, but I am starting to "feel" a little better from the withdrawals. I want to come off the patch but I know that has to be weaned down. I have a doctors appointment next week and I plan to have a long talk with him. I don't know whats going to happen though because I do have honest chronic pain issues, and nothing else has ever worked for my pain. I'm guessing I'm either going to kill myself from chronic pain issues if I come off all narcotics. (Yes, the pain is that bad) Or end up OD'ing if I am allowed to have all these narcotics at my disposal. I thought about asking my husband to keep control of my meds but I'm scared that will cause problems. He cannot stand to see me in pain. He has stood up for me every time I have been hospitalized. (About 30 times during our marriage) He stays at the hospital, makes sure that everything that goes in an IV or is given to me is exactly what it's supposed to be and at the exact time. They better not be two minutes late doing anything for me. LOL. I love this man with all my heart and I know how much he loves me. I used to think about right after we got married, he made the joke that he married me for my daddy's money and I used to think about that and wonder, but he has proved over and over his love and commitment. If I do die, he deserves every penny. I think that's why my SIL and I got along so well. We both came from wealthy families and married into this poor family. Both of our families objected to our marriages in the beginning. My family now however knows the deep commitment of my husband and they love him like he is a son and brother. Ok, some of this you probably didn't need to know. I just wanted to tell everyone how I came to my addiction to narcotics. I didn't just start out a junkie. It took years for me to get here. I am addicted. I am dependent on narcotics. That's what my doctors have told me for years. "Dont worry you are not addicted, you are dependent"

I don't want to be in all that pain and suffer like I will, but I don't want my kids to find me dead from an overdose either. I have to make a choice and right now that choice is I love my family too damn much to have them find me dead from my own hand. It won't happen. Yes, I'm having withdrawals but in a way they feel good. Even though the pain is bad, I can "feel". Please pray for me. I need the strenght to continue trying to come off the rest of these narcotics. Please, if your situation is anything like mine, have someone you trust help keep track of your use and personality changes.

Well I just admitted and poured my soul out to strangers. Let's see if next week I can do the same with a doctor I have had for 9 years. Our relationship sort of exceeds a normal doctor patient relationship. We have crossed the lines, but kept it to ourselves. He would do anything for me and my mom and my husband know but my husband accepted it and moved on from it. (there is a reason for this, but again, another long story maybe another time). Well I'm open to all advice. Dont worry about insulting me or anything. I'm here because I need to hear some truth from people who don't have an almost supernatural devotion to me. Oh boy, here goes. :confused

[Uhoh71]

Sorry it was so long I had to make 2 posts to get it all in. I understand if you don't have time to read all.

[bkim]

Hey there. Welcome to the board. If you are looking to get off the meds, you are at a great place for support. It sounds like you have a dr that would be more than willing to help you with your issue. Its a tough call. Can you get through the day without taking narcotics? What are you looking to accomplish with your addiction? Sorry this is brief. Getting ready to run to the gym. Will check back in a few.

Tim

[Uhoh71]

Originally Posted by buckeyetim

Hey there. Welcome to the board. If you are looking to get off the meds, you are at a great place for support. It sounds like you have a dr that would be more than willing to help you with your issue. Its a tough call. Can you get through the day without taking narcotics? What are you looking to accomplish with your addiction? Sorry this is brief. Getting ready to run to the gym. Will check back in a few.

Tim

Hi Tim. First, thank you for taking the time to reply. I'll try to answer your questions as honestly and truthfully as I can. Yes I know my dr would go out of his way to support me. Frankly, I don't want to tell him about the addiction because I am embarrassed about it. Honestly, I suspect he already knows about the addiction but he doesn't want to bring it up any more than I do. I really can't explain our relationship, it is weird. It probably breaks some kind of patient doctor law. Next question, can I get through the day without narcotics. I really don't know. I am extremely weak. I have to have help to walk up the 4 steps on my deck that were specially designed for me. (I refused to have a ramp installed. Guess it was some kind of mental denial thing-subconcious) I do have honest chronic pain issues.
"What are you looking to accomplish with your addiction?" Well I think the main thing was to suppress feeling anything. Not just physical pain but the mental stuff as well. I worked for the school system for 14 years and was the office manager for a tax office. I worked two full time jobs but was always off when my children were off from school. Even though I worked two full time jobs, my first job was being a mom. My paychecks were spent for monthly vacations during the winter to the mountains and lake and beach during the summer. I loved being with my children. During the summer my tan would be so dark that my MIL (mother in law) would make comments about it. She would say things like I was too dark and people were going to think I was African American. Except she didn't say it that way. (I don't have a relationship with my in laws). Anyway, back to the question. I'm not physically able to do those things with my children. All I can do is sit here and talk to them. They have cell phones and text message me all day long. They tell me everything. I can't stand the fact that I can't do things with them. I know if I come off all the narcotics I definitely won't be able to do things with them. So I'm sort of in a catch 22 so to speak. I would love to have my old life back. I know that's not going to happen but without hope, what do I have? I guess I just need to come clean with my dr and see if we can work something out that allows me to have tolerable pain levels without being on narcotics strong enough to knock out an elephant. As small as I am if I weren't tolerant to these meds those doses would kill me within minutes. My dr kept telling me that the meds he had me on did not have a ceiling because they didn't contain tylenol and they can increase as long as they need because you build a tolerance to them. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. My husband thinks I should continue taking my pain medicines. That's why I came here. I'm confused. I love my family more than anything in the world. You see, I gave up a wonderful education, the chance to be a very powerful woman to be a wife and mother. Everyone else had all these dreams for me but my only dream was to be a wonderful wife and mother. That was my dream. I wanted to be at least half the mother that I have. I love my mom so much. She is a wonderful woman. You won't find anyone better. I could always tell her everything, except when my narcotic use got out of control. I didn't want her to be ashamed of me. I have told her now though and she isn't ashamed of me at all. She wants to do anything she can to help me. My doctors say I have been given a raw deal in life with all my ailments and things that have happened to me. Maybe so but God evened it out with a wonderful family. For example, every year my parents throw this huge shindig for our birthdays. Mine: Aug 31 Brother: Sept 5, SIL: Sept 10, Hubby:Sept 12 plus the labor day holiday. We always tease each other when we open our cards about who got more. LOL. Well, 2 years ago daddy bought me a new GMC SUV and I made my grand entrance fashionably late driving my new present. Of course I didn't say anything at the time. My other brother said wow I bet that set you back a little bit. I just smiled and said I got a good deal on it. Well when it came time to open cards, there wasn't anything in my card and my dad and brothers looked at me and were getting ready to laugh when I nodded my head toward my new SUV. Oh well. Enough said huh. Then to top himself, this year he went to the darn bank then called me and said, I have the deed to your house, I paid off your mortgage, do you want your husbands name on the deed also. He's always doing stuff like this for me. I think he is scared I'm going to die before him and this is his way of showing his love. (retired military, isn't exactly the touchy feely mushy kind) My mom said when I got down to 80 lbs and they were talking feeding tubes, one night she found him in the kitchen sitting there drinking a cup of coffee at 2 in the morning and she said he had tears in his eyes and told her "she's gonna die, we're going to lose her." Mom hollered at him "don't you even mention that again, never say it out loud." Mom is a big believer in not voicing your fears because she thinks it gives ***** ideas.

Ok, I've rambled enough now. If you can't tell, I have the gift of gab and no one to talk to during the day, except for the few text messages from my babies.

Thanks again and I hope I have answered your questions as honestly as I can.