Grandmother Part of the problem

punkindoo · 12-10-2006, 08:59 AM

I have a son who is 29. He started having a major drug problem 10 years ago. I found out recently that my mother, who has been in and out of rehab for years, has been giving him everthing from deaulaid, oxycotin, mepregan, ect. When we try and put our foot down with him, he runs to her. She of course, just makes things worse. The most recent episode is that I threatened to call the police when he put my six year old grandaughter in danger. He got mad at me and was going to put her in the car with him. I knew he was mixing pills and alcohol. He at least left her with us. THe next day he shows up and ask 4 times where she was. Like he couldn't remember.
His Dad refused to let him in the house. He ends back with his Grandmothers and in the hospital. And of course this is our fault for "making" him sleep in his truck. I go to the hospital and talk with Docs. They say he has phenomnia but may be caused by a fungas. He also has a bad blister like place on his upper arm ( where tatoos are put). It could be a spider bite or something else? They had to refuse to run a test on him because he was taking something "Dear old Granny" had given him while taking Demerol from the Doc. This statement came from the lung Doc. He had noticed that both were passing out and unable to talk. It was disgusting to see your son and mother in this state. And of course it was my fault, the Doctor's fault, Gods fault, ect. I waited untill the next morning to try and talk with him. Hoping he would be somewhat sober. It didn't do any good. It was like talking with a brick wall.
I told him he could come home but only if he was ready to get his life togather and lay the drugs down, if not for his sake then the sake of his daughter. He flatly told me to leave. To his shock, I did.
The hospital seemed to be in a real big hurry to get rid of him. So, now he is living with Granny in a drug infested pig pen. I fear so much for his life this time. I have never walked away as I did this time. He has called twice but will not leave a message. I ache for him to ask for help. Needless to say his dad has lost faith and doesn't want him back. It causes total anguish when he comes home. It's not our home anylonger. He has several unpaid tickets from open containers, reckless driving, and 2 DUI's. He has no DL or insurance now. I sometimes think Jail would be the best thing, but I feel so quilty for this. THis time I have found a part of myself NOT wanting him to come home. I feel only hate and resentment towards my mother. I went through the first part of my life dealing and trying to help her. Now, it seems I will spend the last part of my life dealing with another junkie.

Desperate

ozzybug · 12-10-2006, 10:35 AM

Punkin-
I am so, so sorry that you are dealing with this. I just don't even know what to say that might even begin to make you feel better. There are many people here who have battled addiction, many others who are spouses of an addict, and also many parents who have watched and dealt with their children's addictions. You have come to the right place.

For me, it was my husband and two separate addictions that he was able to overcome and is now sober in all aspects. I thank God for that every day.

I know you are torn by the choice you had to make, but you have to put your foot down at a certain point. As hard as it was for you to leave that hospital room, I feel you did the right thing. It sounds like your son doesn't think he has a problem, or just point blank doesn't want any help because this addiction is controlling him. You can't do it for him. He has to be at the point where he truly wants to work on beating this addiction. You can't allow your home, life and granddaughter's welfare be turned upside down and inside out because of your son. Tough love is not only tough on the person with an addiction, but it's tough on those dealing with their loved one's addiction as well.

I had to tell my husband at one point in both of his addictions that this was it, there was a choice to be made and if he made the wrong one, he would lose not only me, but our children as well. During his second addiction, we even separated for several months because I wasn't going to be an enabler for one minute longer. Fortunately, my husband decided that his health and his family were far more important than any kind of substance. He chose to get clean and we are now enjoying a strong, happy and healthy marriage. He is a wonderful dad and husband. He has been sober for many years now.

I do hope your son will realize what is truly important and come to his senses sweetie. You will get so much support here. Keep posting, be strong and know that you are not alone.

tryinghardmom · 12-10-2006, 11:43 AM

Ugh...bless your heart, dear lady! How painful to have to deal with it on both ends. I don't know which would be more painful....the 'abandoned' feeling of not having a stong parent to turn to when you're hurting, or the ache from watching a child self destruct. I don't have any wise advice, but I know there have abeen a lot of posts on here from spouses and parents who have had to use tough, tough love on their loved ones....and that seems to be the only thing that works. And I'm sure they'd recommend that YOU go to something like Al-Anon.

I'll wait for others to give their experiences and advice....and I'll be praying for your situation in the meantime. Hang in there.
Christy

punkindoo · 12-10-2006, 11:44 AM

Thank you for your kind words. Maybe there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I found out that my grandaughter had talked with her dad yesterday. The two junkies were making a big-to-do about her coming to "Grannys'" house for Christmas. Of course her mom will not allow it considering the state of them and the house. But, my grandaughter told them she would come only if Memaw (me) came with her. I have never ever put her dad down in front of her. It just amazes me how she knows these things. But, alas, I'm now the reason she doesn't want to come without me!! It never ends.

Marirose · 12-11-2006, 09:25 AM

Dear Punkin - I just went through a similiar situation with my brother - years and years of on and off drinking, drifting, abandoning his two children with me and my husband...until his drinking finally killed him almost 2 months ago. I can't imagine how I would feel if it was one of my sons. I do not have the support of our parents either. My dad is a recovering alcoholic, but he is so sick and so distant b/c he drank for most of our lives that he did not even come to my brother's funeral. My mom is mainly bitter and has just washed her hands of it all.

All I can say is...whatever you do, protect your granddaughter. Hate your mother, hate your son, feel whatever feelings come over you...but protect that little girl. My husband and I have adopted our neice and nephew, in fact we adopted them about six weeks before my brother died. I am so grateful to God that they were already a part of our home and family and we were able to shield them from a lot of the fear of being left by their father. (they don't remember their mother, she took off right after my neice was born, and as far as I know, she doesn't even know that my brother is dead or that her children now live with us. We have had no contact with her for years, and don't know where to find her). I won't lie and say that it has all been easy - there have been plenty of tears, and my nephew, particularly, has been having trouble adjusting to the loss of his father and being a permanent part of our family (we have six sons of our own, and number 7 is due in early March), but no matter how hard it gets, my husband and I just keep praying for the strength to face this, b/c all that matters is the children. You must do whatever you must do to make a life for your granddaughter. Even if it seems cruel and terrible towards your son and your mother. But those of us who have been there will understand your choices, and keep you close in thought and prayer. Best wishes, Marirose