completely lost

hopeless666 · 05-04-2007, 06:54 PM

This is my first post, so I guess I'll give the low down on my many, many problems.

i've been a heroin (smoking) addict for about 7 years, then about 2-3 years ago I added coke to the mix, not to mention my drinking...

I really do want to stop, I've quit cold turkey (using clonodine, valium & remeron) so many times I really can't remember how many. But, I always start again, I get so depressed and bored that I just run back to it. When I'm using I feel normal and can stand the boredom of life, but when I quit (which I do with the 'best intentions' every time, over and over) I find myself just thinking of how much I've lost & screwed up, and figure I might as well use again. Also, I never quit everything, if I stop the heroin, I use coke to get by, or if neither of those then I drink. I've never made it more then a couple weeks without the H, the C I've been on pretty steady, the drinking I do all the time. Plus, I smoke cigarettes and am an asmatic.

In my personal life, I don't really keep in touch with my family, and since I've been using I've really lost touch with them. I have the perfect boyfriend, who I really love and would die without. I know he loves me, we've been together for years, and I've lied, sneaked around to use and stolen thousands of dollars from him, yet he's still with me. But now he's said he'd rather break his heart and leave me then stay and watch me kill myself and keep screwing him over.

so, I'm sure there are alot of people worse off than me, but you always think you're in the worse situation when it's yours. I really find life so hopeless, useless and boring, I don't know what to do.

Right now I've been off H for about 3 weeks, I ran out of $ options so I had to quit. I'm still using C, but I will run out of that within a week, and the booze... who knows... I don't know what to do! I want to be a 'good' person, but I've forgotten how. I think back to my life before all this, and I remember being happy, I don't expect to ever be that person again and now I'm so confused I don't know what I want or what to do.

I've scheduled and appt with an addictionologist, has anyone seen one? Do they help? (I don't want to go to any group therapy, I know I'd never open up in front of others).

And if anyone has any advice or worse problems than me that they overcame, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks.

isitme · 05-04-2007, 07:10 PM

My heart goes out to you. My son is in the same position as you, an addict, says he'll stop, but goes back. And he says how bored he is, how confused, doesn't know what he wants, lost contact with family................so similar.
One thing in your favour, you have a man that is standing by you for now. I detached from my son, which broke my heart, but as your boyfriend says, it's better than watching someone you love killing themselves slowly.
You have taken the first step - knowing you do need help. I hope you go on to conquer all and find life fulfillinging without drugs. Remember, it isn't just the addict who suffers the pain - all the family do and they have to keep their distance, regardless of how much it breaks their heart. I'm sorry for the position you have found yourself in, but for me, you couldn't have posted at a better time - your post has given me hope. Hope that my son may choose to stop one day. Thank you.

reachout · 05-04-2007, 08:52 PM

Hello

I am tapering off Xanax, having recently finishes a taper from oxycodone. I am glad that you have come here for support. While the ways we become addicted/dependent on narcotics and the reasons why may differ, and the ways we choose to get off the narcotics may differ, we all struggle the same and face many of the same issues.

While I have never been a member of AA and not had a problem with alcohol, there are some AA premises that I have found to be true and valuable in my own life. I think the premise that has born the most fruit for me is that those of us struggling to come off narcotics (and alcohol) actually suffer from a "spiritual malady."

Narcotics and depression so often go hand in hand. I think you need to start with a professional doctor to help you with the withdrawal and depression and that when those things are under control, the spiritual malady begins to resolve itself naturally.

Hopeless, there is hope and lots and lots of it. Many have gone before you and are happy, productive people again. And, Honey, I know you may not be able to see this right now, but you do have hope left in you because you are reaching out and looking to resolve a huge, tormenting, overwhelming problem. Can you see this at all? I so hope you can.

Stay with us. An appointment with the addictionologist is a huge step in the right direction!

With all hope for you
reach

hopeless666 · 05-05-2007, 03:41 AM

I'm glad there are others out there who understand or can relate to what I'm going through. But I can't stop thinking about h and I am so bored and have no desire to do anything. I really hope this addictionologist can help.

doddsgirl1 · 05-05-2007, 12:16 PM

Hope!!! Not Hopeless!!! You may feel like there is no hope but there is!!! You have found it by posting here and seeing a Dr. I just got out of rehab not long ago. I went for 2 weeks because I couldn't aford to pay for 28 days. My insurance would only pay for 4 days. I thought the same thing about going to groups. My plan was to detox and get on with my life. Wrong! I love the groups. I was so ashamed of who I had become and after being in the groups with other people like me I then realized I was not alone. I am not quite a month clean but I hope to always stay clean. I am also seeing a psy. dr. to help me work on my depression. It is an out paitent recovery center for addicts like us. They drug test me randomly to make sure I am staying clean. I am not in any leagle trouble but I am doing this for me. I wish I could say I don't need to do this but I also know that I am powerless over the addiction. What I am trying to say is there is hope and you have it. The first step toward hope is what you have already done. Don't count group meetings out. Try them first and then make the choice to attend or not. Like others said they are some who have gone before you and soon you will be giving advice to someone in your shoes. You can do this if you really want it and it sounds to me like you do. God Bless and be strong.