Help!! I am still so sick! No Methadone since Sunday Night!

[skych]

Good Morning Everyone,

I actually woke up hungry this morning instead of nausea first thing. The one bad habit that I still have is my cup of coffee in the morning.

I managed to get an english muffin down and now I am working on some water before trying some coffee. Luv that stuff. I ususally don't drink more than a cup or two but we don't want coffee w/d's on top of everything else.

Mike, what is going on with you? I really hope your okay this morning. I wish I could help but I would need more details about what is going on in that head of yours. Our heads are our worst enymies (oops SP)
Anyway if you can talk a bit more about it maybe we can help. You have reached out to me so much and I feel I can reach back to you HUGS.

I had a really hard time going to sleep last night. I got to thinking and I realized that from all the throwing up none of the other meds I was given to detox were making into my system. SOme of them the doc said I would have to ween down from as well. They are Clonidine(blood pressure med) 2 x a day and Baclofen 3 x a day for spasms but I really don't think they helped. Not to mention the Premarin and my Cymbalta. So basically my poor system is freaking out.

As much as I hate to admit I think the supositories work for me way better for nausea. Hate that supository thing! Its just wrong! Hahahaha!
I feel a little better this morning but that is what happened yesturday. I felt okay and took a shower and got moving around and within about 3 hours of waking up the vomitting thing started again.

I really really really want to go to my home group meeting of Cocaine Anonymous this morning at 10 am. That is my favorite meeting of the week. It is in a detox center and it is so cool to watch the new people come in an take chips and then keep comming back after they get out. We use the Big Book with the permission of AA.

So you guys think this is it for me? It will be day 6 no Methadone. I hope it is a good day because I have 2 quizzes I need to take for my on line class and then an exam at the local campus next week. I am going to try and think positive and not sit here waiting for the w/d **** to happen.

You guys I am so blessed! I reallly do not have any pain anymore. What a miracle. The only thing that happens is the nerve in my elbow freaks out every now and then. I think that is because it is regenerating. Painful yes but doesn't last long enough for any medication. My wrist is always painful and the surgeon said it will always be that way, so I have learned to accept that one. SOme days are good with it and others bad.
The only thing that concerns me is my rotator cuff is at riisk of injury because I have such severe atrophy to my entire left arm. I have not used it for 3 years almost.. They said some may never come back. I guess it is called muscle wasting. Oh-well. It won't stop me from doing the things I love.
There won't be any wake-board trips this summer again, but I will be grateful to ride behind my friends boat in the tube. I can keep on dreaming because this workers comp stuff is going to be coming to an end soon and then I can start to do what I want and not be under there watch anymore.

I will check in later and let you know how I am doing. Thanks so much. I love you all and Mike please keep that chin up we all love you very much!!
Love Chrissy

[mk7657]

Hi Chrissy.

I am sooo proud of you! Today it should get better!

It was time for me (or so I think) for a measured relapse. Since I couldn't have my drug of choice, I cuddled up with an old friend, alcohol. Well,after a few glasses of wine, that great big hole was filled up, and I was happy as a clam, singing at the moon in a tune that only alcohol can muster up.

Now, today, I feel like S***.

Back to recovery. I hope that a relapse with alcohol didn't weaken my resolve. Pray for me.

Mike

[skych]

Oh Mike,

I don't think that you have lost anything here except the days and in all reality we all only have today!

Please do not beat yourself up over this side step that you took. When I relapsed 2 weeks before a 4 year birthday it was so hard for me not to beat myself up mentally. I now know that I have to have complete absinence from all the stuff.
To be quite honest I am so amazed that I did not abuse the pain meds. I prayed every day about it and talked about it with my sponsor. I know it wwas a God thing or I would have just withered up!

Once you can stop beating yourself up about the wine please thake a look at what was going on in with oyur thought before the drink became an option. What was the void that you were looking to fill may be a question for answering!
I myself about about 10 months ago was in so much pain and so sad and depressed that a sought to fill the void by trying to have a relationships with men that I knew all along were not for me nor was I even in a place to be having a realtionship. I was so sick with myself that I caused myself so much pain that I almost checked into a place for a nervous breakdown. It was just to much!
You can get right back on that horse Mike. He is waiting to take you on your journey! Allow yourself to mourn a mistake and feel your feelings and try please try not to get stuck there, because that is what your disease wants. Tell it to shut up with all it's negative talk in your head.
I know that the more we reach out to others when we are in our own pain it helps to remove us from our own junk.
I am here for you Mike and you are very special to me. Your hand has reached out to me when I needed you most and for that you have an eternal friend here.
So my friend why don't you go out and do something nice for yourself today. Take a long walk and soak in Gods sun. You know he put that sun up there for you and it took him all night to do it.
I have some reading to do for my online class and then go to my meeting at 10:15 and after that I will check back in.
As for me...I have managed to keep some food in and water and yes the coffee. I have a slight nausea feeling but totally doable. I still have creepy skin that the Valium helps, but those can be broken down into the smallest little pieces. I think the worst my be over.......Thank God.....
I am sending you the biggest cyber HUG ever....Love Chrissy

[mk7657]

Chrissy:

You are very wise.

What was in that hole I tried to fill with alcohol? Hmm... I need to think that through, very carefully. It is a warning sign. THAT I am sure of.

Thanks for your support.

Mike

[skych]

Mike

I tried to respond to your last post and it was all from my heart and I got booted and the message was lost! So I will try it again...

It is so very hard to look inside to see what is going on in there (our head and heart). I have to first look inside and then get with my sponsor to figure it all out. Sort it out. Try an understand and accept the way I think and act sometimes.
Looking at ourselves and seeing what we were like while using and what we are like now is not easy but necessary!
If you fell off the horse he is standing right there waiting for you to hop back on!!! he is saying ocme on we are here!!
What ever is going on upsatarirs in your mind and in your heart sounds like a little tug of war. I am not saying that taking a drink is a soulution for that but I want to tell you that it is not ok to beat yourself up. You have been presented this oppurtunity to really look inside and in that process you will see a lesson or a piece of information about who Mike is and what makes Mike tick!

Mike I make mistakes all the time and when I am acting out in ways such as self pitty, flipping off a person while driving, yelling at someone call my own self stupid...in all reality what I am doing is blocking myself from the Higher Power that is here for me! I am guilty of doing it a lot.
It takes practice for the rest of our lives to learn how to keep the power in our court! Progress not perfection.
From my own experience and from watching others in this recovery deal, when there is emotional pain we will not die from it as long as we do the right actions to not get stuck there. This means getting very honest with ourselves and another person. Then there is no more secrets.

I have a faith that you will figure this thing out and you will look back some day and understand exactly why you had to experience whatever you are experiencing at present. Maybe you are going through it just because later you will help another person make it through the same things!!!
Faith without works is dead!!! This is what the Big Book tells me. This means I have to take action. I know you are reaching inside for the right action right now as I am writing this post.
Chin up!! Pick yourself up and trust the process.....Love in spirit...Chrissy