Of all the rotten luck!

[NoFunInFL]

Hello everyone! I am newly regisered but have been lurking for a week or so. This seems like a great place for answers and support.
This is my dilema...and I just couldn't be any more frustrated or heartbroken.
I left my BF 4 months ago due to his continued abusiveness. He was telling me to leave and truly acted as if he couldn't stand me. He has been arrested for domestic violence in the past, attending batterers intervention, and on probation which includes being court ordered not to drink.
I thought he was a run of the mill typical abuser and just wasn't changing.
After 5 days he came to me saying that he wanted to see a psychiatrist. He wanted to find out why he was so filled with rage all the time. Can you believe I had no idea?? He cried and begged me to never leave again. We talked about what to do if "it" ever happened again. I don't believe at that time he even knew what "it" was, other than the "monster is his head."
He said please try to sit me down and tell me what an ******* I am being. Just don't leave me. I need you to take care of me.
As I look back I realize he was in a severe manic episode when I had left. He had self-medicated for 3 days while I was gone(regardless of the court order) and his symptoms had been relieved somewhat.
He was trying so hard to win me back and be nice but during the 3 week wait to get into the pdoc he had some very bad moments.
The doctor originally put him on Celexa and Temazepam. Within a few days this guy turned into a completely different person. He was calm, rational, and NON ABUSIVE. I finally had my boyfriend back. It had been a long while. We had a wonderful month and a half. I was incredibly happy. He was happy. Then he had a couple of mild panic attacks. Back to the doctor we went and he was prescribed Clonazepam for anxiety. By the next day he was already showing signs of rage. Out of control driving and road rage and then escalating abuse of myself and his children. I called his pdoc freaking out. His med changed to Divalproex, but the doc continued the Clonazepam. He got even worse. By now he is in denial, completely manic and saying I am the one who is crazy. I called his counselors. They forced him to go back to the doc and his script was changed to Seroquel. No change. Doc doubled it. Still no change. Sinking deeper with paranoid delusions and even hallucinations (he denies). By now I am trying to get someone, anyone to Baker Act (involuntary hospitalization) this guy. I had to call the police during a violent moment. They wouldn't do it. Said he seemed just fine to them. Sure. He was removed for the night. He called me the next morning and said I need you to go to the doc with me today. He was switched yet again, this time Zyprexa. My neighbors asked yesterday if he is on crack cocaine due to his super speed driving, lurking around in the middle of the night, and the crazed look in his eyes. He is completely emotionally detached from me. He is in violation of his probation and blaming me. pdoc doubled his script yesterday. He is running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Making jerky movements. Never seen that before. All the while...doc has continued the Clonazepam despite my repeated requests to stop it. Does anyone else think this drug could have started the mania? He has now been diagnosed cyclomythic. I am not sure I agree. Isn't that a lesser form of bipolar? Can someone tell me if there are delusions and hallucinations involved? Believe me, he is not in a mild state by any means. I would give him a Bipolar 1 rapid cycler. And I am not sure the diagnosis is done there.
In the last month he has gotten 3 speeding tickets, wrecked his car twice, and finally totaled his car from being in a rage. Then proceeded to wreck his rental twice.
pdoc says he doesn't see a need for a hospitalization. WHAT? How bad do they need to be?? He is going to kill himself! Or someone ese! Can someone tell me what is bad enough?
I was tempted to leave again, but then I remembered my promise. He did want help. He was trying to take accountability. It just didn't work in his favor. Now he is too deep. He can't see. Can that be? It does seem like such a manipulation or excuse for bad behavior sometimes. He has nobody else close. They have basically washed their hands, family included.
He can be so much calmer in the eyes of the police, his pdoc, and probation officer. They don't believe he is that unstable. They only see him for a few minutes at a time.
I would love to hear from sufferers and supporters alike. Could he really know he needed help and want help and now be in denial due to the mania? I can't believe this unfair nightmare.
As I am writing this he just called me and told me to find another place to live. This is the 3rd time we have gone through this. I just called his pdoc...AGAIN. Help! I am sooo sad.

[tsohl]

Hello NoFun,

Welcome to the board. You have boarded the roller coaster and will need to hang on tight! Sounds like the pdoc does not have a handle on your BF's symptoms yet. Sometimes people need to be hospitalized at the beginning so the meds can be monitored and administered more quickly. The problem with BP is that many pdocs do not know how to deal with it; in fact I'd be willing to go out on a limb and say, from my experience, MANY of them have only learned about it in med school and really do not know how to handle it in a clinical setting. More than any other specialty, it is really hard to find a good, compassionate, caring, knowledgable pdoc.

Your BF needs to be brought out of the mania as quickly as possible before he hurts himself or someone else. It is like a raging fire and will keep kindling and getting worse and worse until he is brought down with drugs or he crashes.

If he is using drugs and is manic, it is entirely likely that he is having psychotic episodes. Repeated use of marijuana can bring on hallucinations, hearing voices, feelings of paranoia.

Unfortunately your experience with the police is common. It seems like they either refuse to get involved and tell you the person is not a danger to himself or others, or they end up shooting the person when trying to take him into custody. Many of the police departments in Florida lack specific training in how to deal wth people in a mental health crisis.

If you want support, look at **** on the Internet ([url]www.****.org[/url]) and find a local chapter in your area. There will be a "Find a Location" tab; click on it; a map with open; click on Florida and a list of city chapters will appear. Call the office closest to you and see what they have to offer. Explain your situation. **** offers educational programs, support groups and is a wonderful referral for services in your area. If you intend to support your BF through this, you will need all the help and education that you can find, and this is a great place to start.

Please keep us posted. Be safe, too.

Tsohl

[jaybee333]

First off I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. Secondly, I can relate to all of you feelings of saddness, frustration, and helplessness. My brother acts in many of the same ways your bf does.

My question is are you sure that he's even taking the med's that he's being prescribed? His behavior sounds a lot like my brothers and he not on any meds at all ( he refuses).Everyone's different but that's a thought. Are you witnessing him take them or just believeing him?

I'm not sure about many of your questions since I am here for the same reason and usually there is no real solution until he finds the right meds and they help to stabalize him. But the bight side to that is atleast he's willing to take them many people with bp don't.

The thing that it most important is you. You should not have to live in fear for yourself or his kids. If I were you I'd leave not becasue of his bp but if a man is abusive towards be I'm out no matter what. Since it has happened before and could and likely will happen again. Sometimes no matter how hard it seems you have to use though love. My family is doing that with my brother now. It's hard. Much harder than I thought it would be and sometimes I don't think i can do it anymore. In my situation our family has to do this becasue we have no choice, HE has left us with no choice and I think that your bf has done the same to you. You may have promised to be there for him but he crossed the line and who knows what will happen next time especially with his rage. Look out for you.

As far as having him put in to the hospital against his will, I don't think it can happen. In NY it can't, I've tried. My brother is a smooth talker as well and doctors, family members, police, etc are sometimes fooled by him. Since he is over 18 nothing can be done. It's sooo frustrating! Fl may be different, I'm not sure. Is he able to keep a job? What if you told him to go into the hospital or thats it? Would that work?

Everyone's looking for answers and support. It hard being on both sides. I wish you both the best. Just know you are not alone.

Jay

[NoFunInFL]

Thank you so much for your replies. This has turned out to be a heck of a day indeed. I have just found out that my BF has been court ordered to be single. Has anyone ever heard of such a thing?? His domestic violence counselors have put in this request with his probation officer. He has not been physically abusive for almost a year. He just yells and screams a lot. And slams doors.
I can't quit crying. Our beautiful apartment, our life we have built together, everything gone because they say so. He will never get the help he needs now.
I HATE THIS DISEASE!
I'm sorry I cannot address you one on one at this time. I did call **** but I guess it doesn't matter now. I don't believe he is taking any other drugs. He has never done recreational drugs and he does get tested for probation constantly. Just the alcohol and that has been over 3 months ago. I would have smelled it on him. And I am fairly positive he has been taking his meds correctly, I have witnessed enough to make a difference. I just think they have made him worse. Most of the side effects of these meds include increased agitation. That seems to be the problem.
Your help and kind words are so appreciated. I just can't type right now. I would like more sufferers to reply please and let me know just how deep in denial he can be.
I think I am in shock.

[naturemomma816]

First let me say, I really feel for your situation. With that said, you need to leave. You are saying this person is violent verbally now and physically in the past. LEAVE.

I am BP myself and knw from experience that if he doesn't want the help - you can't make him. This is not your husband, the father of your kids. This is not a sibling or a life long friend. This is not a parent or grandparent. This is an abusive person, who since being diagnosed has decided not to follow a proper coarse of treatment. You keep saying he has done this or that, ultimately you are responsible for the decisions you make. And those decisions should have everything to do with you, and your mental health. If he has no regards for his MH and there is no legal action you can take as far as getting him help - then there is nothing left to do. Well, you could stay and be his verbal punching bag. But why would you want that for yourself?

I was once in an abusive relationship for 2 1/2 yrs. I left. I desrved better, his kids deserved better, my kid deserved better. I decided that I would not continue that cycle. I decided that I would not be the reason that my daughter called when she was 24 saying she was affraid that her boyfriend would kill her. LEAVE! Stop making excuses for this man.

Times may have been good once - well that's in the past, not the present. Sick or not, he knows right from wrong. Everyday people type on this board looking for help - we are aware of what we are doing. We are making an effort towards getting better. He knows his behavior. It sounds as though he doesn't want to change it. You cannot force someone to get help. I also live in FL and a person cannot be committed unless, a) they verbilize a plan of suicide. b) they make threats toward someone (i.e. murder). c) they are actively harming a child or the elderly. I learned this during an office visit when I told my DR. I was scared to be honest for fear of commitment.

The bottom line is this, you deserve better. He is mentally, emotionally and physically unavailable to you. You can hang on and enjoy the ride - or you can get off at the next stop. It's that simple. He will not change just because you want him to. My entire family wanted me to change. I have been in 3 seperate institutions, none of them worked. Not because they sucked, but simply because I didn't want the help. I thought they were the ones with the problems. Never me. I am just now able to reach out to people. It's been somewhere around 12 yrs. ago that I was diagnosed. I am just now realizing that I have no power over BP and I need help. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. Either way, you should get on with your life. I am not trying to be hard on you, it just sounds like you are giving more effort than he. And no relationship can be like that. BP involved or otherwise.

I have also had to let my sister go. She is bi-polar. I have not spoken to her in three years. I miss her very much. But I also know that I can't make her do anything. It sucks, but that's the way it is.

Sometimes our partners/family/friends need us to pick them up and vice versa - but the person has to be willing, and he's not. Staying will only cause you more sadness, humiliation and regret. No one is worth that. Have you talked to a counselor for yourself? You make calls to get him well, what about you? I know you have a lot of hard choices to make, just remember the board is always here. Good luck.