My story and the dreams

[mk7657]

Hello people.

I have a short story about my history and some dreams to interpret. Help me with this so I can get insight into my dreams.

History.

Drug abuse followed by addiction goes back to my late teens and early twenties. My drugs of choice at that time were Benzedrine, Crystal meth, and Cocaine. My use was purely recreational, Friday and Saturday nights, mostly, drop a $100 on some good dope. I had a beautiful and sweet girlfriend at the time. We were supposed to be married when she graduated. It didn’t happen. She got tired of the weekend drug parties, and left me cold-feet style, a week before the wedding. A deep and lasting depression set in, and my drug-abuse turned into the self-destruction of addiction.

My parents saw that I was going down fast. They didn’t know what I was on and didn’t care. They wanted me to leave the Willamette valley and come to southern Oregon to stay with them and clean up. I quit my job, came to their home, and got clean. I was clean for about four years, found a new girlfriend, rented and apartment, lifted weights, and practiced karate with my friends. Life was good. Then came the trigger: a friend from the Willamette Valley stopped by with cocaine. We partied hard. My girlfriend loved the coke, and we both had good jobs.

After she got tired of the parties and left, I crashed and burned again. I was heavy into meth and was having paranoid hallucinations. I lost my job and all of my money. I was stealing to get more drugs. It was bad. When the hallucinations turned into a form of schizophrenia, I got off of stimulants for the last time. I landed a good job in the nick of time and was clean and sober for 15 years. My hobbies of childhood came back, and I had the money to buy a home and play my hobbies. I got married, went to college, and life was good one more time.

I was still lifting weights when I hurt my back. Complaining about the pain got me introduced to the opiate family of drugs. I tried all of them—codeine,…, and heroin, at least once. Hydro and Soma were easy to get, and they became my new drugs of choice. At the peak of my usage, I had 4 bottles of 90ct hydro 10/325 in my safe and more on the way. Additionally, the schizophrenic behaviors came back. I crashed hard, again, and detoxed about six months ago. I have had three short relapses since then and *mbien became my new doc.

I started a taper and detoxed from *mbien about six days ago. I have three days of clean time behind me now (I am lucky that my wife was compassionate enough to stick around and help me get clean). I am 51 and feel good.

This time, after the last detox Hell was over, my resolve changed. My life has been playing this drug-addict, sorry-*ss record for too long. Today is different. I have been reflecting on life and feel more grounded. I believe that I am READY for recovery. My job, hobbies and hopes for recovery are in my thoughts-- not the pills. I am equipped with the tools needed for recovery from this board. The people who are significant for my recovery are helping me. Are you bored yet? Now for the dreams, next post:

Mk

[mk7657]

Dreams:

When I have a dream and wake up, I roll it over in my mind to remember the taste and feel of the dream. I believe they have a story to tell me about my hopes and fears in recovery. All three of the following dreams occurred last night.

Dream #1: “My wife and I are planning a vacation to Europe for two weeks. She wants me to meet the people that she works with today. I drive her to work, and meet all of the office staff. We tell jokes, smile and laugh.
[The dream gets sexy...]
We are driving up the mountain into the Pacific ring of fire, not far from here. Mt Shasta, a magnificent snow-covered volcano, moves with the car. I turn off the exit.
‘What are you doing,’ asks my wife.
‘Look’, I say and point. ‘The volcano is erupting.’
A large portion of the mountain slides into the valley, gray smoke and ash shoot into the sky, and gray-brown arcs of smoke follow lava bombs that fall into clusters of sweet green pine and gray oak trees as far as the eye can see. The car accelerates.
I am in the car, alone. My wife has asked me to go barter for some goods. The eruption is over, and we are using gold and silver coin for trade. I go to a rock shop (one of my favorite hobbies). Hexagon shaped crystal that has been cleaned and refined is for sell. I ask the rock shop guy about the crystal. It is ruby. The deep red seems luminescent, as if the light comes from inside. I am interested in the crystal and buy it.
‘You can refine it more,’ he says. He shows me how, and I get better color and smaller crystals. It is a form of chemical cleansing that leaves behind a white residue. He is showing me how to wash and care for it.�
I wake up.

Dream #2: “I see magazines and miscellaneous articles of clothing in a heap on the ground near a friend’s house. I open the magazine to see the picture of an old friend who had suffered with a heart attack years ago. The picture shows him on a Harley motorcycle (I like those) that is speeding down the mountain into Grants Pass. The picture has a blur to it, but it is, unmistakably, him. He pulls up to the house on his Harley. I wave at him. His countenance seems, well, not happy to see me. I am happy to see him. I brag about seeing his picture in the magazine.
He looks at me funny, ‘What picture?’
‘Here,’ I look through the magazine. I shuffle through the pages, and it is nowhere to be found.
‘Well,’ I say, ‘I could be hallucinating.’
‘I think you are,’ he replies.
We are at the top of the mountain going into Grants Pass. Blue sky permeates the air. Fluffy patches of white cloud etch fine-lined shadows on the valley floor. A light, pine scented breeze is blowing. I watch as he rides away on the Harley. ‘It is nice here,’ I think.
‘What am I doing up here?’ I start down the mountain on a paved road. I am young and strong again and start running at great speed. I feel good.
I hear the roar and growl of a mountain lion in the bush. I think that he is following me. I run hard and fast, but I think that he is quicker. I hear the brush rustle and see the limbs sway at the side of the road. A sheep is running, and the lion catches it. The growl of the lion and the death cry of the sheep fill the air. I am still running. There are more sheep running, all around. I think that the lion is rounding us up! Another sheep goes down with a growl and cry! I see a house around the corner and sprint straight for it!!�
I wake up, and am a little shook up as well. A storm moved in last night. The melancholy wind rustles the bushes against the walls of the house. Rain spatters against the glass. I fall back to sleep fairly quickly.

Dream #3: I am on the same mountain above Grants Pass. I am with a hunting party. They have rifles and I do not. We are looking for a mountain lion that killed some sheep the other day. The truck that brought the hunters is up the hill on a windy road. The hunters are spread out in a meadow-like clearing, rifles in the ready position. I hear the roar of the lion. I hear the rustle in the bush and see the swaying limbs of the brush. A man goes down with a growl and a cry. The other men raise their weapons. I am afraid. Another man goes down! The other men start backing up!!
‘Oh my God,’ I think. ‘He is rounding us up!’
I am terrified. I sprint for the truck, but the ground is wet and slippery under foot.�
I wake up, my heart racing with fear. It sounds like there is an animal afoot outside. It takes a little while for the fear to dissipate.

Today, I feel good. My anxiety levels are low. I am clean and sober and have no desire to seek after pills. I am starting to write my dreams down. It is good to have them on paper. I haven’t had any dreams about pills, yet. I have had a lot of dreams about snorting meth and coke that no longer occur.

Mk