At a Crossroad....

[Lou1]

Hi Everyone,
Those who have been visiting this forum for the greater part of the past year may remember me and my story. Back then, I used the name "Coder" and went through a detox off hydrocodone, darvocet and Soma.

Well, that was in the period from March through May. It is now the end of December and I am at a crucial crossroads. As is the case with so many others, my 2 year addiction started as the result of Pain Management gone wrong. I had a cervical spinal surgery in February of 2005 and though the surgeon claims that "structurally speaking" things look good, I never did receiv any pain relief. Eventually, I was referred on to a pain management doctor who did all sorts of things ranging from epidural injections to radiofrequency. Still, I was in continuous agonizing pain if I did not take narcotic pain medicine.
In the spring of this year, I knew that I had crossed the line from physical dependency to addiction, finding myself getting up in the middle of the night to take a pill not for pain, but to hold withdrawals at bay. So I quit my pain doctor and had my primary care doc get me off of everything.

I know the body will do all sorts of trickery to get you to take another dose of opiate. So, I knew that I would have to stay clean for a considerable length of time in order to see what level of "real" pain my body was experiencing.
Here it is December and my life is one of constant misery. My thoracic spinal area throbs continuosly. I find myself lying on the hard floor several times throughout the day to get a small measure of relief (even at work). I pop advil and other OTC pain meds (always being sure to keep that tylenol mgs under 4,000 a day) but get minimal relief.

I have an appointment for tomorrow to see my primary care doctor and I am truly tempted to ask her to put me back on the narcotic pain meds. The quality of life I am experiencing with such severe pain is horrible. So I am stuck in a terrible quandry....ie..do I remain relatively pain-free but hopelessly addicted....or do I remain opiate-free, but in a state of miserable pain? I feel like I am in a no-win scenario, and am getting severely depressed over this.

A week ago, a co-worker saw I was in terrible pain and she gave me two hydros. This was the first afternoon in months that I felt a sense of relief from the severe pain. But, I have been paying the consequenxes of just that single dose for the past several days. I have felt that old familiar withdrawal sensations of chills and simultaneous sweats, impaired ability to sleep and slight agitation. So, I know the addiction is right there under the surface.

What do I do? I feel so hopeless right now.....

Lou

[captnanny]

Just a few questions, I too have had cervical surgery.
ACDF two level fusion. It was in April or this year. I became addicted to pain pills, had been prior to this because of numerous "injuries" who knows the mind does play tricks on you.
Right now i am in the middle of a taper, off the fentanyl 50mg--norco.
The questions, How long have you been totally off of them?
Is it the pain that started in December or has it always been there and December is when you starting rethinking your decision?
I ask this because I don't know how much time our brain needs to heal, and correctly give us true pain receptors. It seems like if it has been 6 months and the pain is excruciating, I would definately talk to your doc. If it has only been a few weeks, and I know what a few weeks can feel like when your in pain, your brain is yelling for drugs. It is so hard to tell the difference. I think the way you can determine is with the help of your doc,
the time you have had clean and quality of life.
For me, it's a tough question. I had a "successful" surgery. I am done weaning off of the norco, but my brain really really wants me to feel like I am in PAIN. At times I can take it but other times I play the game and wonder if the screws came out, if I'm not healing, etc.
That is just me.
There is, and has been a wonderful person on this board who is in a similar situation as you. I hope that person can respond to you. I don't know if I've been of any help, but can understand the position you are in. I think a lot of us can.
Keep us posted, Please talk to your regular doc.
Capt

[Lou1]

Hi,
Thanks for your reply. The pain has pretty much been never-relenting since before my surgery in Feb, 2005. I had a triple fusion (C4-C7). Pain-wise, I was never able to get off the opiates following surgery until March of this year when I personally asked my doctor to get me off the drugs. I knew I was at the very least seriously physically dependent and found myself having to take a dose not for pain, but to hold off withdrawals.
I have been opiate-free since March. The pain has been unbearable since. As you said, I knew the brain would try to trick me into taking the drugs again, so I wanted to be sure to give my body enough time before I re-evaluated what my actual pain levels were.
I have come to the point where I simply cannot stand it any longer. I did go to my primary care physician and had a long talk with her. We ended up making the decision to put me back on the darvocet and a muscle relaxer (not Soma which is addictive also). This is a compromise between being pain-killer free and what I was taking before (12 hydros a day plus 4 soma).
Like *tat*, I had to make the choice of having some sort of quality to my life vs maintaining a strict opiate-free regimen and being so miserable in pain that I just wanted to die.

I do feel like a failure of sorts. Hopefully those on this forum that remember me from earlier in the year can share their feelings on this latest development.

Take care,
Lou

[FullCircle08]

Lou -merry x-mas and glad to hear you have done so well. Here is the real scoop. I understand that you have battled with the same addiction as I and its gets very tricky and confusing when you REALLY need the drugs. Its not hard for a heroin addict or cocaine addict in these situations, b/c they dont have a DR. saying " I think you should do 4 lines a day for pain" LOL. There is a place for Opiates in our lives. Being long term on HYDRO for you i agree is not the best option, and I pray that you feel relief from darvocet, because I KNOW that you wont get the same HIGH at all from that crud, believe me, I have tried in the past! This is a GOOD thing bud. You could have just gone in there and demanded some hydro and prob would have gotten it, but you WON, you beat the urge. Take the darvocet for PAIN ONLY, not as prescribed. Use advil and benedryl to sleep. No problems there, they work like a charm.

lets chat some more

O

[Yossarian22]

hey lou, pleased to meet you.

being a heroin addict - i totlly agree with med - a big part of the struggle is having you Dr push these drugs on you!!! as ive said numerous times - you guys with legitimate reason to be using pain meds have my full sympathy - as you never really asked for this addiction. its a means to an end.at first.
i wish i had some words of wisdom for you but as a junkie - pain management is a totally alien subject to me. meds and capts advice is as great as i could ever think. try and figure out - what you are actually taking for PM and waht you are taking to feed the monkey.

i wish you all the very best

keep on keepin on

yoss22