Opinins please before I tell my psych all of this information. Am I Crazy?

[nina1915]

I haven't ever spoken a word of any of my past before so just admitting it all is a big step for me. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the past year to help with anxiety and OCD (both definitely confirmed dxs). I have always suspected that I may be bipolar, too, though. I'm scared to admit all that has happened to me and maybe it's not as bad as I remember. Maybe if I type it all here it will be easier to tell my dr.

When I was 18 I left home. Just packed up my car, emptied my bank account (about $2000 at the time) drove to Niagara Falls (13 hour drive) and took a plane to Los Angeles, leaving my car at the airport with no intention of ever coming back. I was in Hollywood for about 6 weeks just walking around going from hotel to hotel. When I ran out of money I came home. I don't know what I was looking for when I went there, but I never found it.

When I was 20 I moved into an apartment with two friends to get away from my parents. That didn't work out and all I did was yell all the time. They were my best friends and I don't know why I yelled. We lasted 2 months together and I haven't seen them since. Again, I went back home.

A year later I got my own place and had the same job for about 5 years. I got into tattoos (I have 5) and met a guy who owned a tattoo shop down south and I went to live with him. Just packed up again, quit my job and moved in with him after only meeting him once and talking on the phone for about a month.

He beat the crap out of me and I stayed with him for 2 months. Then I got a large settlement from unemployment (about 4000 back pay) and I left him. I moved about 2 hours away and rented a home from his cousin. After sleeping my way through that town I left there about 2 months later. I don't know why I felt better sleeping around, but the thrill of being wanted made me feel better.

When I left there I took what money I had left, sold what belongings I could and lived out of my car for the next year. I met so many people along the way and travelled the whole country with my cat and dog in my car. I met the father of my son and lived with him for a year. I left when my son was one month old because his father did drugs and was an alcoholic. (I've never done drugs and only drink very occasionally). When I was pregnant with my son I was so depressed I tried to kill myself twice. The last time I was put in the psychiatric ward of a hospital for 2 weeks. I will never go back there again. I also suffered from severe postpartum depression. Not that would hurt my son, I just wanted to die all the time. I moved in AGAIN with my parents.

That went bad, AGAIN, and I moved out on my own, filed bankruptcy, and met my now husband. We have been together for the last 8 years. He takes care of my now 9 year old son and our 6 year old daughter and me. We have a pretty decent life together. He let me stay home with our kids until they were both in school full time. Now I have a job in the school system so that they don't have to be in daycare.

I should be so happy, but I'm getting antsy. I want to go somewhere. Move somewhere. I, of course, want to be with my family, but my husband will never move away while his elderly parents are still alive. He can't understand my need to get away. I would NEVER leave my kids. EVER! I just don't understand why I always feel the need to go and run away from my life. My son has Asperger's and my daughter had 5 febrile seizures when she was a baby and I'm still worried that something may happen to her. I worry constantly about my son's future and if he will be okay.

I take 1mg Xanax xr twice a day and after several attempts with different antidepressants, I now take 175 mf of Anafranil at night. (I was allergic to Lexapro, Prozac, and Zoloft).

I haven't told ANY of this to my psychiatrist and don't know what she would think. I have told her I thought I may be bipolar and she doesn't think so based on our conversations.

Can anyone help me? Am I bipolar or just crazy? I can't take feeling like this anymore. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I just feel better getting it all off my chest. Should I tell the psychiatrist my history?

[diannes]

I think definitely you should tell your psychiatrist your history. She may be able to see something that you are not.

Whatever you do, don't be ashamed of your past! It sounds like you made a lot of moves, and that is what you are accustomed to. You have 2 beautiful children and a wonderful, loving husband. Cherish that.

If you feel that you still need to get help, then get help. Don't make a decision without considering ALL your options.

Take care.

[katiemarie87]

to me it sounds like you have borderline personality disorder. that might explain your promiscuousness when you were younger and your need to get away all the time. but thats just what i think, you might want to talk to your doctor more about it. i hope things get better for you, you sound like youve had a rough life.

[seaturtle]

Hello,

What you did at 18 sounds like something 18-year-olds do. The rest of it - yes, you should tell your doc everything so he can help you and give an accurate diagnosis.

I couldn't agree more with the advice not to feel ashamed. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It may have been self-destructive and impulsive, but people have done far worse things in their lives.

Congratulations for having the relationship you have now and the family. You've come a long way already.

Let us know what happens with your doc!

[Picali]

Sweetie, I think part of the problem is that we're all raised thinking we 'ought' to live a certain way - that we shouldn't move around a lot, have lots of sex with lots of different people or generally live in a way that doesn't involve a steady job, a reliable car and being the same as everyone else.

You haven't done anything wrong! You've not been violent to people, you sound as if you've done a fab job with your kids, you seem to have a lovely husband and you appear to have held down a good job for a long time. By all means tell your psych your entire history (I think this is always a good thing, in any instance), but stop beating yourself up about this. Try to look at all the positive things in your life - your kids, your hubby, your job etc, and try and look for positives in what's happened before - you're obviously very adaptable, very capable and very self-aware. You must be kind of fearless (some people never do anything because they're too scared to leave their safety zone) and you're also able to hold your hands up when something isn't working and walk away (leaving your partner with a tiny baby was an incredibly brave thing to do, as was leaving your abusive partner before that). These all sound like really good personality traits to me! I'm not trying to suggest whether or not you have some kind of disorder, but just trying to say try not to give yourself a hard time about this.

Maybe there's a way you can satisfy your wanderlust without moving around? Can you get away as often as possible? Camping's pretty cheap and family friendly. If not, maybe days out as often as you can, I find outdoor stuff 'satisfys' me better than indoor - I'd rather tramp through the woods for two hours than sit in a cinema. I've moved a lot over the years and, like you, I've been running from my problems. The fact that you know that is a really good sign - you're getting some help from your psych, is it enough help, do you think, or do you feel you need more?