I was wrong; I can't do this.... - Page 5

iWillDoThis · 07-12-2008, 05:10 AM

Hey A,

I'm about to go thru my taper off of morphine & percocet. I don't think there has ever been anything, in my life, that has been so overwhelming. You need to stop looking at the whole taper process and do it hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to. There definitely have been MANY days that I've had to do it minute by minute. It sounds stupid to say that out loud but on really bad days you just have to do it like that, otherwise you won't get thru it. And besides the way you were talking it sounded like you had done something awful and unforgivable. You haven't done anything like that AT ALL. There is nothing here that is unforgivable. You need to stop thinking so far into the future. Stop wondering if you are going to refill your prescription when this one runs out. Unless it's running out today STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. You are overwhelming yourself for no reason. Take it one step at a time instead of trying to plan the whole thing out. If you really want/need it planned out then have your doctor plan it out and you just follow it step by step.

In regards to the surgery Bella was 100% correct. You MUST tell your doctor and anesthesiologist EXACTLY how much you take and how often. Don't worry about them judging you. That's not why you're telling them. But you could easily die if they give you the wrong dose of medicine because they didn't know about your "little habbit" (so to speak).

Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself strong. Eliminate people and things in your life that might be bringing you down & surround yourself with only people and things that lift you up. One thing I've done to help lift myself up when I'm feeling low is I made a poster board and put a bunch of pictures on it of my best friends (or family members) that help me to stay strong or just pictures of things that help lift me up, whatever that may be. And then I bring it out on really bad days and it helps me feel so much better. It doesn't sound like it would help much but it really does. It helps you to know that you will be able to have that happy, healthly life again one day when you're not on the pills.

In regards to the LDS comment, it doesn't matter your religion. Pills don't discriminate. Just because you are a religious person doesn't make being hooked on pills any worse than if you weren't religious. I grew up LDS and I swear to you I've probably known just as many LDS people that are hooked on pills than LDS people that aren't. Pills don't care what your religion is. And you shouldn't get off the pills because you belong to a certain religion that judges you for being on them. You should get off the pills for you. To be healthier and happier.

Sorry if I've rambled. I hope at least one thing I said has helped. I hope you get back on your taper and succeed! We'll all be here to help with those nasty "speed bumps" along the long road to recovery.

Big hugs,
M

P.S. Stop using the word "fraud". You are NOT a fraud just because you messed up on your tapering. You fell off the horse. All you have to do is get right back on and keep going. You CAN do this!

adventurer · 07-12-2008, 02:22 PM

M, Mecan, Izzysmom, Bella, Rosebuddy, and to everyone else who has said all those kind words of encouragement. You have all really helped! I never even thought of telling the anesthesiologist, you may have just saved my life!! I swear I will tell him when I go in for surgery. I'm not sure yet when the surgery will be but I should find out on Thursday when I see the surgeon at 4:30. You are all so wonderful!

Did you happen to read my other post where I said I realized I'm a binger? Does that change anything? Am I still an addict? I actually thought a lot about it and I binge on everything! I binge on food, pills, alcohol, whatever! But all occassionally, and when I binge, I binge! My post was the "Aha" post if you want to go back and read it. I just wonder if it changes anything.

I have much more to say and ask but can't right now. I will post again later today. Thanks again SO much to all of you. I really appreciate your kind words and support. I don't know what I would do without you!

HUGS!!

A~

Mecan · 07-12-2008, 04:32 PM

when you say binge does that mean like 3 days in a row or you taking it 3months in a row not missing a day? and when you say you go x number of months without do you have withdrawal?

adventurer · 07-12-2008, 08:37 PM

When I say "binge" I mean I take the pills 4, 5, or 6 at a time for as long as they last. This may be for as little as two weeks or for as long as several months and yes, I take them every single day. When I run out and they don't give me anymore, I'm done. I go through withdrawal but it has only been really severe one time and that was when I had my hysterectomy. I was misdiagnosed with severe diverticulitis for 6 months and given Lortab 10 the whole time, which I abused not for the high but because I had NO pain relieve. Then it turns out that I had a tumor in my uterus and had an emergency hysterectomy. That time I had very serious withdrawals but I went cold turkey and didn't tell the doctors. My husband was aware of that. Ever since then I seem to have an "addiction" and I binge any time I get my hands on pain meds which is often due to my medical problems.

Like I said in my previous posts, I have severe and chronic back problems and I'm about to have my entire colon removed. I had 18 inches of it removed already in April of 07. Anyway, when I do run out of pills I suffer withdrawals for a few days to a week and then I'm completely and totally fine until the next time I get pain meds for something. I literally go for several months without them and without anything and I'm perfectly fine, I don't even think about pills. That's why I wondered after I realized that I'm a "binger" if I'm really an addict? Does it make a difference?

I do not smoke ever. I do not drink on a regular basis, however, I used to drink before I converted to lds. And since I'm being totally honest I still drink but maybe only twice a year and when I do, I binge on that too. Whatever it is I do, I seem to binge. I'm not overweight, but I binge on food as well. I have a history of bulimia. Not surprised are you? I don't know what it is about me that makes me do this....

Like I was saying in my previous post, thank you again to everyone for the advice. I want to tell my surgeon about my addiction and how much I've been taking so they can monitor my pain levels correctly. I really don't want my husband to know though. How can I tell the anesthesiologist without telling my husband? He will be in there with me when they are prepping me for surgery, I know he will because he always is. He will think it's strange if I ask him not to and he will respect it if I ask him to step out for a second but I know he will wonder what's up. And with the surgeon, he's been worried about this surgery and he's going to the appt. with me on thursday, how do I tell the dr. when he's there? I will NOT let him find out; I don't want to disappoint him. I refuse to, but I also HAVE to tell the surgeon and the anesthesiologist. I will find a way to do both. Any suggestions?? Please don't tell me to tell my husband, I already know that is the right thing to do and I know he will forgive me support me and all that, but I'm not ready to. So please help me find a way around it. That's all I ask...I will deal with any repercussions later. Thanks in advance!!!

A~

Mecan · 07-12-2008, 11:13 PM

lol i will tell you what you dont want me to. tell your husband. i respect my parents more than anything and i thought it would crush them but when i was in the middle of wd i told them and and few other close friends and my wife was aware the entire time and the support is priceless. maybe there is a way around it but i dont know what to tell you for that. these boards are great, sort of a start, but real life people especially a husband or wife is obviously a mega boost. hope that helps. i know its tough to do and im not saying thats the only way but it got me through im on day 5 and feeling great from ah cold(frozen) turkey. also i was an abuser i had no llegit pain other than an acl surgery and was abusing pills before that, so take that into consideration with my advice