my own story

[phoenix101]

Hi all-

I've been reading here for years, ever since I first suspected I had a problem. Registered a LONG time ago, too, so that I could search more efficiently. I cannot believe I'm posting now. Hopefully I'll find a few new answers as well as much needed support.

I abused alcohol in college. Sometimes I lost out on love because of it. But I was having fun. I thought I deserved the extra 'kid' time of alcohol and recreational drugs. I'd been way too much of a perfectionist as a real teen.

I started taking Zoloft in my mid-twenties. It turned me off to alcohol. Another contributing factor to sobriety was an ultimatum from the Big Love of My Life. I quit drinking and started counselling as well, but he still left. Heartbreak, abstinence (from drink, drugs, and sex), and getting my life together alone followed. For five long years.

I gained 75 pounds. I became socially anxious. I was numbed out and decided to quit the Zoloft. It was a long and surprisingly hard process (learned a lot on HB) but I quit it.

Lost 20 pounds in 6 months and that (among other things) motivated me to get my hands on phentermine for further weight loss. Phentermine made me look great quick. I was popping them like M&Ms for 2 years. Resulted in the loss of real work. Real relationships. Real etc. I was nuts on it and in denial big time.

Then I started feeling back and neck and hip and shoulder pain. I struggled for months, thinking that something was physically wrong with me and suspecting that I was doing it to myself with the speed.

I did online research. I saw a masseuse. I saw a chiro. I went to a doc. I got self-insured through an HMO.

I was honest. The docs all said they didn't think it was the speed. I weened myself from it. The PM doc gave me flexeril and low-dose hydro. After the low low low I'd felt from coming off the speed, as well as the lethargy I'd been feeling from frequent pain, I felt okay on the meds and THUS VALIDATED in my prescription use.

The pain started to escalate. That was more than 2 years ago. I saw a Neuro. She said I had Scoliosis, TMJ, and Myofascial Pain Syndrome. I had a battery of tests and specialists. MRIs showed bone spurs in my neck and bulging disks in my cervical spine. Pain Specialists and other Neuro's said I probably have Fibromyalgia.

I am in constant physical as well as psychological pain. I lost my HMO insurance (such as it was). I have been off of Norco 10/325 for 12 days. For good.

The Norco hadn't helped in so long anyway. I was always chasing it and hiding it and misusing it. It became clear a long time ago that I should give it up. Now I have to. No insurance. I am so f'ing frightened that I may be really sick or get really sick, but that's another story.

I'm done with the pain pills. Pain killers. What an evocative term. I have pain, but I am committed to finding out what my real level of pain is- sans meds. And I'm devoted to relieving it without narcotic medications.

I've voraciously read each of your "DAY 2" through "DAY 12" and beyond posts and suffered with you through your sleeplessness, your lethargy, your memory loss, your apathy, your conflict and resolve. Thank you for expressing your experiences. How could I have gotten through my day without knowing that at the very same time, someone else was having to get through the same obstacles to survival that I was?

Problem is: I'm drinking to ease the "transition." Every day, I wake up and look at the evidence. Empty wine bottles. Wine glass next to the bed. I go to work. And count the hours to "relief." I believe the wine eventually helps the pain.

Substituting. I know my problems. I just can't solve them.

PS my screen name is phoenix101. I know a well-known poster named Phoenix posts here often, and I tried to change my name, but couldn't. Nothing but respect, Phoenix. I initially wanted to call myself Phoenix From The Lame...

[jerry111165a]

Phoenix101, nice to meet you and welcome! after 3 long years to the board. *smile*
Soundls like a tough pickle, I guess the only advice I can give you, which always works for me, is to follow what your body and your heart tells you. they know best, better, more often than our brains. Our brains so often like to make any excuse in the world to use whatever drugs are available, for whatever reason we make up to do so.
It sounds like you are on a good path and at least roughly know what you need to do` hang in there, and remember, like our other friend Phoenix says, " When in doubt, post it out."
Keep posting. Its very nice to meet you.

jerry.

[Secrets1983]

Phoenix101,

That is quite the story! Sounds like you have been thru a lot! Good for you for fighting this! What a struggle it has been and will continue to become but it sounds like you are very strong.

I have found this board to helpful after just posting for 2 days! Stay and make yourself at home.. The more people we can relate to the better in my opinion.

May this transition be freeing and may God bless you!

[Phoenix]

Hello P,

Re-read your post and realize that you have stated what many have yet to realize: Rome actually wasn't built in a day.

We go through experiences and situations and hope to come out of them unscathed.

You have jumped some of life's proverbial hurdles and have yet to approach others(aren't we all) in this complex existence we call life.

Pain remains a culprit for many individuals here and the solution falls inn the discretion of each individual.

At this point, do you feel that your drinking is getting out of hand; disrupting your evening routines or preventing you from doing much needed chores?

Phoenix

[phoenix101]

HI. Jerry, love the body and heart sentiment. My body and heart know that the drinking may be worse for me than the drugs. Wine is available. I've have a problem with it. The more I drink, the more probable it becomes for me to drug. Thank you for the reality check.

Hey Secret- I read your reply on my way out the door between meetings today and I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to read your words of encouragement. Thank you. Thank thank thank you. Your words put some air under my feet.

Phoenix, Yes. My drinking is getting out of hand, in the sense that it is nightly and expected and needed. My evening routine is dependent upon it. I need it to do my chores. I am not getting drunk. But buzzed.

The worst thing I think is that I am starting to think about doing whatever I can to get a refill on my meds. I think my pain level is ramped up because my body is accustomed to getting over these withdrawal symptoms around now (10-14 days). I'd have meds due now, (were I insured) and I am finding myself preoccupied with getting. I know I could go down a dark and disgusting and deeply expensive road and probably get some Norco. I don't want to do what I'd have to do for them. I know I know I don't need them or want them. But my muscles are screaming and I am so tired and have already lost work from feeling pained and fatigued. Lost money because I cannot work full-time since I quit using. I am so miserable.

My drinking alleviates the misery. For a brief bit of time. But I'm afraid that by drinking again, I'm opening the door to something worse. The power of self-suggestion on wine. I want to quit everything toxic and mind-altering and addictive. Mostly because of the disgust I feel with myself for knowing better but for not being stronger.

Thank you all for reading and for caring enough to respond. I hope I can summon the inner-strength to have better resolve tomorrow.