Hi Nicolette
Welcome to the board.
I was really taken with your question about how we get to the mindset that we need to feel numbed. I know how it happened with me, and gently, I think it is starting for you also.
that little hit at the end of the night is a nice break from lifes problems,
That is how it starts... we cross a line from using the drug from its intended purpose to using it to block out life issues. Tramadol is not meant to block out life issues. What starts as a sleep aid can so easily lead to using a bit during the day when we are stressed out and want to escape the stress a bit. Then it can escalate so quickly that we become more worried about escaping life than living it. It is a very fine line between dependence on drugs for true medical issues and addiction to drugs.
Mecan had some wise words for you... the effects of the Tramadol and the worry about withdrawal will make the problems in your life grow expotentially. When we have 'too much stuff going on' to begin to withdraw from the drugs, then the drugs have become a bigger problem in our life than any other issue.
I initially used pain killers for very legitimate reasons. I was suffering with a lot of pain from multiple surgeries. After many months of recovery from the surgeries, I went back to work. Then my use increased to help deal with added pain from working. I hid from the pain signals my brain gave me with the drugs. Hiding from them allowed me to work. Work caused more injury to the initial pain sites so when I got home from work, I took more pills to ease the pain and to sleep. It became an ever-increasing cycle until I finally broke down mentally, physically and spiritually. And as the break down progressed, I took even more pills to hide from it. Finally, finaly, I reached a do or die point and began the process of withdrawal.
My story was a drastic one, but it does not have to be yours.
When we use someone else's presciptions, when we buy drugs online, when we start increasing the mgs of our dose,there is certainly something amiss. What starts off in a way we think is innocent begins to turn us around in our thinking. We begin self-medicating, prescibing for ourselves and addiction begins to get us in its grasp.
Ideally, I would suggest to you to see a doctor and just tell the truth. It is so not a new story. Being totally upfront with a doctor allows the best treatment for us. Doctors can only work best for us with ful disclosure. For me, I have learned that sucking up the embarrassment of telling our story to a doctor is so much less stuffing down all the emotion and worry from a secret addiction problem. When we get past that embarrassing moment, we can begin to move on and actively get off the drug.
Wishing you all the best
reach
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