Where do I go now??

[Mandie]

Hi well I am back from the mall and I did buy things that I really did not need, but I just felt that I deserved them. When I am in the deepest mood, I go shopping and this really helps me escape for a while. I went by myself today, even though my mother begged to go with me. I just need to be alone most of the time because I just can't put on any acts anymore and if I feel like crying or being upset, I can be in my car with no one watching me. THis is where I am right now. I have given up all of my social life for that reason and I feel so bad for my husband, He says that he does not care as long as we are together and I feel better. He is truly my best friend and in this, I am blessed. I have a wonderful daughter too, and in this I am blessed. But, other than this, I really am in the "bad Place" all the time. I did wear an elastic bandage on my knee and I guess it might have helped some what. But, the main problem is not the discomfort, the problem is the fear obesessing my mind as to what is wrong with me now??? I just can't stop thinking about it along with my other physical discomforts as well. I am going to see my internist tomorrow, again, and I hope and pray that he might be tolerant and compassionate of my new problem. I just need a professional to help me understand what might be happenning to me and maybe direct me as to what to do. I am embarrassed in calling him for every little thing, but, I just can't help myself. So, that is my day tomorrow- seeing the doctor. On friday I have to see a colon rectal specialist for the problems I am having in the dept. I also have to discuss what I have to do about my cholesterol problem, which is also making me crazy and upset. I know with out zocor, my numbers go sky high no matter what I eat, but I also get leg pains while on it. So , now I am off of it and trying other alternatives. My next step is niacin, I hope I can take this and it helps me. I just can't think of anything any time of the day except all the problems that i am having. It helps me greatly to be able to write to you and vent them. M

[kate_wv]

Hi Mandie....Glad you got to go shopping...It sure beats baking cookies!..Shopping is one of my favorite things too...doesnt matter if you need it or not!!.. ...I rarely shop at the Mall these days...Several years ago I "discovered" **** and it's been great fun buying and selling as well. I've had to stop the last few months, though, because my husband quit his job and is starting his own business, so I have to be careful for awhile..This has caused most of my recent anxiety troubles....it's scary being in business for yourself for the first time.

I was remembering this morning an old distraction of mine that used to take my mind temporarily off my "symptoms"...It was crossword puzzles. I have never really liked crosswords, but got to doing them one day when I was at my sickest and I noticed while I was doing the puzzle I wasnt thinking about "me"..After I got better I didnt want the puzzles anymore..Strange, but it worked.

Best of luck at the Dr's tomorrow..Hope you can get some answers for yourself. Going to the Dr's causes me more stress than my sypmtoms, though. Worst time of my year is in the late summer when my annual check-up looms and I have to go...I'm literally ill till I get through that visit that day...I do it with Xanax these days, but for years I just lived through the fear...ugh..

Do you have any idea what triggered your first anxiety?...Maybe the psychiatrist can help you figure that one out. If you knew what started it, maybe it could help break the pattern...Hang in there!..Kathy

[Mandie]

Kathy, yes I do remember very well what started all of this horror. It was in 1983 and we had a great business, and our life was just great in every way. But, something happen that caused us to lose our business and everything that went along with it. Needless to say, we had to move to a smaller house and change our way of livimng. Thru out this ordeal, ,my poor husband was constantly getting heart palpitations and asthma attacks and I had to be strong for him. Right after all of this, i started to have bladder pain and thought that I had an infection. However, this is when I found out that drs. cannot be trusted with their answers, because, it took over 3 years of suffering until I found out that I did not have an infection, but had a bladder condition called INterstitial cystitis. I had really never heard of this, but after doing so much searching about bladder pains, and seeing about 15 urologists, I finally came upon one who could help me. They all had told me that I would have to live with the pain and suffering, but I would not accept it. THis is when the merry-go-round began with doctors. I still have this conditon now, but I take meds that keep it bearable, but I never know when this will flare up again. Just another wonderful problem that I have. Anyway, it was this incident that led me to lack trust in doctrs and fear every symtom that I had thinking that I never would be able to get rid of it. I then developed IBS, and levator spasm of the rectal muscles Both of which I still suffer with. I know that a lot of my illnesses are stress induced, but my problem is worrying about the time when they say it is stress related and it is not and the symptoms turn out to be something bad. I have been conditioned to think this way for 20 years and it is really taking a toll on me. I used to be able to cope when I was in my 30's when this all happenned , but now that I am in my 50's and realized that over 20 years of my life has been ruined, I am deep in a depression and can not cope well at all. I hope that you can see why i am the way I am- most people just do not understand. I keep telling myself not to give up- keep on trying for the family and this is what is helping me to survive every day.

[kate_wv]

Mandie...Yes, I understand...As you tell me more about yourself I can see why you're in the place you're in. We have a bit in common...I had my first nervous breakdown right after my husband suffered a depression. He was suicidal and I had a 2 year old, too. I, too, had to "be strong". Being strong for them, though, led to my breakdown and my diagnsis with GAD. I havent had the health problems you've had, though. I can see how the combination of real and fear induced illness could get frustrating and confusing. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to help you sort it out. I can just be here to talk to....

I can really understand the suffering in the loss of your larger home and business as well. I mentioned how scary it is with my husband starting his up now. Before we moved to out home here, I had lived in my home town. We had a big, three story post Victorian home...it was cheaper to live there and we could have that kind of house. It was MY house. It's a long story, but we moved here to a much smaller home, even though its more expensive...and I have never learned to like it. I was so homesick I suffered my second breakdown, this time with depression...about 7 years ago...I climbed out of that one with the help of a wonderful physician's assitant and Serzone. So you see why I can understand you, really frustrating not to know how to help more...And IBS..I suffered with that most of my life....I seem to have cleared that up taking flax seed oil capsules...not sure how that helped, but it seems to have. But I know what it's like to live with that as well.

You seem to have gotten to a point close to a breakdown here...Seems to me you're going to have to find some Dr someplace that can understand this "anxiety thing" you're trapped in. You need to get your mind calm, so you can think rationally...and I know how hard that can be...I'm hoping really hard your new psychiatrist will be that Dr...Kathy

[Mandie]

Kathy we sure have a lot in common, unfortunatlely for both of us. I know that you do understand what I am going thru and I feel so happy to be able to talk to you. I do feel kinda awkward crying my eyes out to you on a this webcite, due to the many problems of others as well and the need for them to talk as well. I wish that there was a way to communicate more privately, but that is not permitted here. I feel lucky that I have you and others as well that feel compasssionate enough to answer my crys of help. I am nt sure if what I am going thru is a nervous breakdown or not- I just don't know the true signs even thou it sure feels like a I am breaking down all the time. I try to wear a mask for my children and family so that they don't worry too much. It is getting so hard for me to do this, and this is why I am so isolated, so that I don't get exhausted trying to be something I am not right now. We have many family functions that we enjoy, and I can not ruin this for them- so I go to them and put on a happy face for their sake. Again, it is so hard for me to do this because I am crying inside the whole time, but they can not know this or it will devestate their world. THe new dr. that I am seeing is a woman that basically dispenses drugs and does not do talk therapy. I have yet to find a phychiatrist that does this. I have a hard time with any of the meds- what is serzone? Is it an antidepressant. Is this what brought you out of the depression? Please tell me how you were when you had your nervous breakdown in order to give me some indication as to how far into it I am. Maybe I am having one and I am just too strong willed to let it disable me/ I guess that this might be a good thing. I don't know. Well, I am going to attempt to go to bed for the night ( and yes, I do crosswords too) and wake up to another day to get thru. I will look forward to talking to you tomorrow and anyone else as well. M