Scared.... need some advice........

[sweet little sister]

Hi!! I'm new here.... I tried to register before but it wouldn't let me. Anyway, I'm finally here.

I have a little over a year clean. My main problem towards the end was muscle relaxers.... I couldn't function without at least 30 a day. I go to a wonderful fellowship and if it wasn't for them, I'd most likely be dead by now.

When I withdrew from the muscle relaxers, I didn't sleep for about 3 months. It was a horrible experience and I never want to do that again.

I get horrible migraines and have tried every pill my doctor could recommend, but none of them helped. None of them that is, until Fioricet (sp??). The nurse warned me that this pill has a narcotic in it. She has no clue that I am an addict but she told me anyway. Later she said it has Codiene (sp again??) in it. Is that a narcotic?? At first I only took them when I had a definite headache. I hated but LOVED the feeling, if that makes ANY sense!!

I have some pretty bad foot problems.... I was out of work for OVER two years. One day I was in a lot of pain at work and got the brilliant idea that since Fioricet is a pain pill, it would be okay to take it for my foot!! I later asked my foot doctor if this was okay (it DID help a bit). He knows I'm an addict.... my family doctor is clueless. Anyway, my foot doctor told me to be very careful. He says they can be like Percocets and that they are highly addictive. Unfortunately they are the only things that have worked on my migraines.

I originally spoke to my sponsor about it after I took it the first time because I was paranoid that I had relapsed since I was high from the pills. She says I did not relapse. I used them what I was supposed to use them for, and that was okay.

Well I suddenly find myself getting LOTS of headaches!! At the very first sign of one, I run for my pills. So far I haven't taken more than 4 a day, and mostly I will only take the 2 I'm supposed to take, but I'm scared anyway. Am I going down that road again? Sometimes I think I am. I am so afraid to tell anybody.... I mean, I just got one year clean!! I don't want to throw that away!! At this point, I'm not even sure if this is considered a relapse or not.... I really hope not. I'm worried and scared because my head is only BEGINNING to hurt when I reach for the pills now. Part of me says I am trying to ward off the headaches before they really start, but the other part of me is wondering why I keep reaching for those pills so quickly. I don't THINK I'm relapsing, am I?? And what should I do? Is it wrong to reach for the pills when I think I'm getting a headache or should I wait till the pain gets worse? I love, love, love the people in my home group, but I don't open up to them enough and I know I should. I thought I'd run this by you guys to see if you had any advice and opinions for me.

I hope this makes at least a little bit of sense!! Thanks so much for any help!!

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~ You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same ~

[This message has been edited by sweet little sister (edited 05-18-2003).]

[#1Texan]

Sweet
Yes Codeine is a narcotic. What I have read about it in a drug book is that 30 to 60 mg's of codeine is approximately equal to that of 2 asprins 650mg's
Codeine also has a depressant effect.

It sounds like you are wanting that high that can be found.

Why don't you talk to your home group? They certainly can't judge you as they have all done this.

I wish you the best.

Take care
#1Texan

[sweet little sister]

Thanks #1Texan!! You're right.... as much as a part of me really hates that high I'm getting.... another part of me loves it a little too much.

I guess I'm afraid to talk to my home group for a couple of reasons. Number one being that when I first mentioned I was taking Fioricet and was afraid I had relapsed (this was when I first started taking it), one of the girls kind of acted like she thought I HAD relapsed!! I didn't though!!

I think the other reason I'm afraid to tell them is that they'll either think I've relapsed, or they will try to make me throw the pills out. I really DO need them for my headaches. I'm just afraid of getting hooked on them.

I had mentioned to them once that I had a prescription at home for my muscle relaxers and they made sure I ripped that thing up when I went home that night. They are my only friends.... they're a great group of people and I don't know what I'd do without them. I know I won't lose them if I tell them about this, but for some reason, I'm too afraid to talk to them about it. I don't even want to talk to my sponsor about it!!

I know I DO need to try to cut back.... maybe wait till the pain gets more severe before I pop a pill or 2??

I'm pretty pathetic, aren't I??

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~ You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same ~

[#1Texan]

No Sweet Your not pathetic, you are well aware of the danger you could be in.
Take the pills when you know you are getting a migraine.

If you get a tension headache take a tylenol or something over the counter.

Please remember one thing, you make your own choices, not anybody in this group you are in. I think sometimes some things are better left unsaid, you knew you had the script at home, you knew you would not get it filled, you tore that up because you made that choice, not them.

Don't mean to be harsh, but you sound like a pretty smart individual, you are seeing what is happening and you are making an effort.

I give you a GREAT BIG PAT on the back for that, that says a he** of a lot about you.

Let me know, how you are doing OK?

Take care Sweet

Tex

[barelysane]

Hi, sweet. this is my first post for these boards. I will make a couple of suggestions. Talk to your sponser first, there are people in those rooms looking for any excuse to use again, if in fact they did stop. 2nd do you have anybody that can keep the pills and give ever how many it takes for say a 3 day period.
You know the definition of addiction is obsessive-compulsive behavior. which is thinking constantly about your drug of choice and when you use it you can't stop. NA can be like an old lady's quilting gathering or party. (ther's a lot of gossip). KSome of the old timers may say that you've relapsed. But the program stresses "unto thine own self be true" so only you know whether or not you relapsed.
Addicts in pain or chronic pain are(in my opinion) stuck in no man's land. It is not fun.
thanks for your post. Keep talking, writing and praying.

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"PA"