Boy, the things I've done...

[LiLa's Mom]

Stella I feel your anxiety regarding school. My 22 year old daugher attends a Boston college and she had to withdraw last semester and this current fall semester, due to her oxycontin addiction. She is so afraid of withdrawals from these horrible pills, that she goes into a methodone program as an in patient at a hospital and misses too much shcool and has to withdraw. Once she tried a detox that wasn't methodone based and she said it was the worst thing that she has ever lived through. She has now tried to go the subotone route, and unfortunately in the Boston area, she could not find one suoxtone MD who could take on another patient. Her hope is that more MD's in our area will get certififed in subotone and she will someday be able to go that route. I find it unbelieveable that in this day and age, addicts can't get the help they need to live a normal life, especially in Boston where we are supposed to have such good hospitals. So Stella, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive fiance.

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[OCPercOS]

I know what you mean, OBXBoy, about feeling so tired, so drained with all of the time and energy spent into worrying about whether your dr. will write another script, if insurance will cover it, what people will think, how long the pills will last you, if you can stretch the amount until you can get another script, what excuse you'll use this time, etc., etc. I find it just drains more and more of myself down the tube. And thank you for acknowledging that I truly DO want to get off of these pills, because I honestly do, even though it may not seem like it from my actions. I feel almost like I have multiple personalities, because some of the things I have said & done to get pills does not sound like me at all. I know I haven't reached bottom yet, but at the rate I am going, it is not far off! I just could not let myself try to "treat" patients when I am buzzed on the pills. That is such an enormous disservice to my patients and the medical profession. Yet, I feel as if I cannot function 'properly' without them. A lot of research would have to go into finding a Suboxone doctor, and I barely have time to sleep. But I will make time. I am just concerned that the Suboxone won't work on my real pain, which is definitely there. My signature explains my case history, albeit short, pretty well. I will, for sure, need a total knee arthroplasty in less than ten years. Then I will be given pills again...and I can see what will happen already. The pills help greatly with my knee pain, but I also foolishly joked that "they didn't specify exactly what pain to take it for: physical, mental, or emotional". Before, I used to shun addicts as 'lowly' people who had no respect for themselves. I do have pride and respect for myself and my accomplishments; I also relate now to 'those addicts', because I am one of them. I always was fed the image of an addict being a "shady, wild, and unethical person". Not true. Everyone on this board comes from different classes, nationalities, families, religions, genders, and all sorts of other various classifications. I know quite a few other addicts who are also doctors that I respect enormously. I am also seeing a lot more smart kids trying drugs to help them in school. I feel if I do indeed beat this addiction, somehow in some way, I will have a lot of insight into things of this nature as an orthopaedic surgeon that I wouldn't have had before. First hand experinces of things are the only way to truly gain a perspective and understanding of how and why someone may act or think a certain way.

Lila's Mom ~ I am praying for you, honey! I know how incredibly hard it is to get access to a Suboxone doctor, and I just pray more will pop up here. I love this city with all of my heart. Of course, I'd love it more if the Red Sox made it to the World Series, but hey, we'll take the Yankees' butts getting whipped, huh? I had to throw some humour in there just to break such a serious topic. I am buzzed right now as I type this. I, too, have gone through withdrawls on serveral occasions, one of which was about 2+ weeks ago, and the longest span of time I have ever gone without narcotics, being 10 days. During that time, I have never felt less lethargic, less crappy physically & mentally, and just less, if you get my meaning of that. However, at the end of that span of time, I did feel my mental cloudiness and lethargy finally drifting away. Although I did have my severe knee pain at full roar, it was nice to be able to function, normally, without any pills as a prerequisite in doing so. I, too, have thought about methadone, but I'm not sure; I need to do a lot of research into these things. I absolutely adore medical school, and applying for residencies in orthopaedic surgery is just getting me more and more excited. I am finally beginning to start where I have wanted to be for over 10 years, but an addiction is testing that track. My fiancé has been my rock ever since I met him. He is so concerned and caring about this, and he recognizes that addiction is a disease. He has yet to come home tonight, and I do intend to talk with him, yet again, about my malevolent actions. I won't be able to see the pain in his eyes when I tell him about this. But I need to, for my own sake and sanity.
LiLa's Mom, please keep me updated about your daughter. I really pray she can come through this a stronger woman. How do you feel, yourself, about what is happening with your daughter? Please, feel free to post here with any concerns or questions. I, as well as others, will always be here to help you. This is a very destructive disease, and very rarely is it seen as one. My blessings are to you.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop

[OBXboy]

Stella-

It won't be an easy decision, whatever choice you make.

I am 47 and need a total knee replacement. I am paying for running marathons with a joint that has had the meniscus scraped out. I have had horrible stomach problems with NSAIDs. This stems from my running days. It was common practice to gulp 5-6 Advils just prior to a race. In fact, many races gave away various NSAIDs in the raceday goodie bags!! I moved through Feldene, Rx ibuprofen, celebrex, and the worst of the lot, DayPro. Now getting some relief from Vioxx but paying with elevated BP (am on Atacand for that).

I thought the answer would be supplementing the vioxx with a low dose narcotic. One problem--I LOVE DOPE!!! I will never have a sane and rational relationship with the stuff. Thankfully, I used my last refill go-round to taper down, not the Philster way, but rather quickly. My metabolism helps me there. So the dreaded w/ds virtually passed me by this time. Now, I want clean time. That's the difference. When I quit before, it was just abstinence. I will always love dope. Have to accept that. It will take away all I hold dear and will kill me. Have to accept that, too.

The really dumb thing is--I KNEW all this. In 1989, I quit alcohol & coke. Did a long stretch with NA and 4 years with a private therapist. But, because the pills are the result of a MD's signature on that little blue pad, it had to be OK, right? I realize now that, in many ways, it's worse than street drugs. It's refined and purified.

Last semester, for a class, we had a speaker from the Carrier Clinic here in NJ. She is a treatment RN for their in-patient detox/rehab. She called morphine the second most dangerous drug. What's first: OxyContin. It's pure, it's way too easy to get and hard to come off of. She told us the most difficult patients to treat were lawyers and MDs. These are people who are accustomed to being the decision makers and the smarts that got them to their successful positions in their professions work against them. They are certain they are controlling the drug. Don't want to bring you down with this. Look at it as a warning, better yet, as help from somebody who understands.

You didn't make a mistake when you joined this group. You were meant to be here.

OBX aka Ed

[OCPercOS]

Ed,

I know a decision for my problem won't be easy to make. It will probably be the hardest one I will ever have to make. I see life without the pills as so wonderful and heavenly; but at the same time, I am so afraid to go even a day without them.

I have very severe damage to my articular cartilage in my patello-femoral joint in the knee. So much so, that in less than ten years I will, for certain, have no cartilage left, and hence, need a knee arthoplasty(Total Knee Replacement). I also have what is called Patello-Femoral Malaignment, which is medical lingo for a malaligned kneecap. AND I also have something called Patella Alta, which is where the kneecap is set very high in the knee. It is so high, in fact, that in my MRIs you can see the patella in the quadricep area.

I know what you mean about loving the pain meds. Like I posted before, I jokingly 'justified' my use by saying, "Hey, they didn't specify what pain exactly to take the pills for." I know that whenever I may see a pill bottle for narcotics of anyone else around, I will be very, very tempted. You are right - that little rectangle for a doctor's signature to get the pills makes it "justified" in some way, like someone else agrees to your use, someone important. I am unsure of what route I will take exactly as of this moment for treatment, but I will leave the most radical ones for last, which hopefully will not need to be utilized. OxyContin is way too easy to get. I have heard so many stories floating around in school and in the hospital about people and their OC use. I hate being "bossed around" or having someone else try to control me. Doctors are very self-reliant people, and it is hard for people of a nature like that to be out of control of themselves. I feel like I am in more control of myself when I am on the meds, but I know honestly that just isn't true.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop

[This message has been edited by OCPercOS (edited 10-27-2003).]

[OBXboy]

Stella-

I know what you mean about the control. I have been working on apaper today (took a sick day) and it has been rough going. My head keeps telling me that a few Norcos will right the shhip, just call the MD. Not going for that line, though. I'll get through the paper. Each day gets a bit better. Self-control is the most important control right now.
Ed