Who's awake on this Graveyard Shift???

[kindaunwell]

Originally Posted by BadAttitude

Hi, Kindaunwell

I see that you are still not getting any sleep.
Did you call the doctor today about getting something to help you sleep?
Well I am online and will be for a while if you want to talk, I am working on some school work and will check back in a little while to see if you want to talk.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~

Hey, BadAttitude

How did you feel in school today ??? Or are you use to it (???) I hate the feeling of tiredness when I have to make my personal rounds, go see Doctors,or actually if I have to do anything. Especially if I have to travel long distances by train or bus. With me earphones on, easy-sounding songs on, my hat pulled down over my eyes and my head leaned back, THATS when I can go to sleep easily!!! I've traveled the city trains afew times, where I go from point A to point B and back to pointA again, before I wake up, and then I got to do the trip all over again!! And once or twice I've done it twice in a row. LOL!!! A two hour round trip has taken me 6 hours to finally complete.... My wifes says sometimes to put on my warm clothes, take my mp3 player, and just go ride the "E" train (Cause its a long ride,and stays underground all the time keeping it warmer than some of the other Lines) !!! LOL!!! Now I feel wide awake and feeling silly too.....
So, let me know how it went for you today, AUTUMN, and what kind of mood you are in ????

Kinda-unwell

[kindaunwell]

Originally Posted by rosietee

OK, is anyone just a little bit annoyed at Ddana for not knowing what insomnia is like? Just wondering. I'm lucky, though, today I had a 3 hour nap with my girls. I"m like you, kinda, my body just doesn't want to sleep at night, whether I nap or not. I just took a klonopin, so I"m hoping I'll be asleep soon. My computer is making this horribly loud noise, which just came on, so I got up to turn it off and thought I would check in with you guys. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and I have done nothing--was going to do a card with the girls tonight, but he came home earlier than expected. Oh, also, my almost-3-year-old locked me out today, so it was a day of high drama. (A neighbor was able to talk her through unlocking a side door.) Taper is going so-so, still taking less than before but didn't make much of a move down today as I should have. I"m going to try to make up for it tonight, but I have to be careful that I don't wake up with bad withdrawals because then I always, but always take at least one extra. Good luck with the sleep, kinda. and to me too, for that matter. I might come back on later, but darn it this computer is so loud now, like a lawnmower. Oh, and stay warm (just saw the news and heard you guys are having a cold snap in New York?) Don't miss that. It's been in the 70's here.

over and out,
rosie

HI Ya, Rosie,

You always have funny things happening to you, or at least you MAKE them sound funny. You must keep your husband laughing alot with your sense of humor....... And you are right about the cold weather here!!! And a couple inches of snow. The University, ( ST. JOHN's, if you can still remember your old New York City) was closed for today, and so my wife had off. After sleeping in late, she walks out into the living room and what does she see ??? Me, still wide awake doing some Web research. Just like she last saw me in the same spot on the Web, last night.!!! She just can't understand Insomnia...... Thinks I am taking Coke or have just lost my mind ,cause I am so wide awake all the time and usually doing something. ( Out of all the drugs I have done ,I tried it, but Coke or any kind of Speed just never appealed to me much...). Thats cause my drugs either allowed me to sleep, or actually put me to sleep. So, she has never seen me wired before! She is so straight and naive when it comes to drugs and street stuff. She was born into a wealthy family, traveled alot, and went to all girl Boarding schools overseas. She is Philipinno/French, and I am just a third generation NYC Irishman, grown up in an alcholic and bigoted household, with alot of profannity. All of her's or my friends never dreamed we would ever last when I first met her and asked her out. Although I rejected my Father's lifestyle ( just like my sister and brothers did!) I was still kinda wild when we met, though. Alot of drugs usuage that I was able to hide from her. Without knowing it, she probablly saved my life after I realized I loved her and wanted to marry her.

Ahhhh, what am I doing ,going on with these boring details with you. Now, I bet, You are probablly the one with your head down in front of your "noisy" computer fast asleep after reading half my post!!! LOL!! .The way you said that yesterday made us "nightowls" really have a good laugh....

When you can ,post to me and tell me more about "The Meetings".......
You know, I spent 2 years in Fort Ord,--- right next to Monterey, before going overseas. When I got out of the service, I bounced around Anaheim, Garden Grove, and Newport Beach for a couple of years. Then some other states, before, this ole bird, finally came back to his Roost. I'm a little older than what my file says.... So, don't think This NYC'er doesn't know how beautiful life can be In Southern Cal.....

Take Good Care, ROSIE.....


("California Dreaming")

Kinda-unwell

[yinksy]

Originally Posted by kindaunwell

Hi Ya, yinksy

I understand what you are saying, and why you are saying it.......
And I still remember how good I felt (Not that long ago) when I was totally drug-free, except for the Celexa. And sometimes I know I can be very stubborn (Irish!!) and stupid (Irish,again!!!). Believe me, I hear it almost everyday, from my wife too, about taking the Ativan! But she just says for me to lie down next to her, close my eyes, and sleep will come to me. That was the way it use to be...... Even when I was on the opiates and other things, that was the way I could fall asleep. She just doesn't understand (Do You ???) that this time its just different than before. I just can't stand it (Mentally) when I have to wait 30 something hours, before I can get just a few hours sleep, and then it begins all over again!!! I really do hate this cycle----- and I really do hate having to take pills, that sometimes still can't defeat this insomnia. Thats when I rebert back to my old self and just start over-medicating until I finally do defeat it. Then I feel guilty and ashamed whenever I wake up....

Its not like I am doubting what you say. I agree with you. But it feels like I am back on drugs again, and I have to 'cold-turkey" again. I am soo sick of it all, and I just want to sleep, and get my mind together again... I "napped" earlier (without) any pills, when my wife and I were sitting on the couch, watching T.V., I slowly laid my head in her lap, and she started to run her fingers through my hair. Just like a shaggy dog, it felt soo pleasant, I drifted off to sleep. But when she had to get up to get ready for bed, and I was disturbed, my brain just clicked on again, and now I am wide awake, and its going on 1:00 AM!!! Theres no way I am going back to sleep again, unless I take 2 or 3 Ativan... The cycle begins again!!! So you see, I understand what you say to me, But I just can't seem to stop it, or get control of it. Do you understand what I am triing to tell ya, yinksy. And I get so mad at myself because its soo frustrating.....

Boy, I guess I lost my sense of humor this morning. Sorry!!! But I still talk alot, don't I (???).
But I do so much appreciate your posts to me. Sometimes they make me smile, and makes me think about some fun times from my past.... But sometimes I know I need A good "Hollering-at". Although I'll only take it from someone who understands what I feel like (Like You). and maybe some other people I've come to respect on this Board....
Anyway, you are probably sleeping now, so I'll go for now, and see if I can find anyone else to talk to.

Sweet Dreams,me Lass

(Just Me) Kinda-unwell

OK, just me kinda unwell!

I reckoned it was worth having a pot shot at you! Was pretty sure it wouldnt work - cos it wouldnt work on me either!
Well, Thomas - are you ever going to believe me?
Mmmmmmmm? - probably not!
Och - of course I understand your position - maybe even more than you might imagine. I suspect too that we might be ages with one another! So - that's two mouldies, then?
What you describe to me - was exactly as I felt (especially this time around) - and not very long ago either! Its a real brute? This "insomnia". My husband cannot understand at all -he says its "murder polis" being in bed with a fidget! Why cant I just lie still - and I am sure to fall asleep. Nope - you just cannot explain it to a normal person! And yes - like you - I too would just take a handful of ativan - why take one when you can take 6? That's me to a t!
And yes - it is a dark place to be and deeply distressing? Depressing too - there just never seems to be a way to break the cycle?
I think I just got lucky. At some point I had just had enough and was willing just to throw in the towel. I simply couldnt take it any longer. I felt utterly hopeless and desperate. So - there I was - stuck on opiates and benzos - what a mess!
My doc advised I just chuck the pain killers and start on a benzo taper. Ha ha ha? If only it were that easy? So - believe it or not - I tapered off benzos over 7/8 months - feeling pretty bad the whole time - and yet clung onto my pain killers. Irish really? Benzos are highly highly addictive and yet I could give them up before I was willing to part with my codeine? Doesnt make any logical sense at all! So - having got off benzos - last autumn - I continued on my merry way with pills! No sweat - I could chuck it any time! Huh! Well - led me to the place where I started to take ativan again - and that was so unnacceptable to my frazzled wee brain that I decided - enough. So - here I am - not very long off all the chemicals - daring to tell you what to do? If I were you I would tell me to take a running jump!
All I can say is that I had to take an almighty leap of faith (should be easy enough for a born and bred Irishman! LOL) - and just believe that my body would cope. And - I think that is what I have done. Day after bloomin relentless day I suffered the horrors of opiate withdrawal and then all the garbage that follows on - the worst being the insomnia. So many people (including doctors) said to me to get along to the surgery and get something for sleep - OK - if I didnt want to go the way of benzos etc then I could get trazodone or remeron or god alone knows what else - to let me sleep. Oooo - I was so so so tempted. Indeed one afternoon - in sheer desperation - I phoned the surgery - but couldnt speak to the doctor at that precise moment. I hung up the phone and just collapsed! But - thank goodness! A few minutes later my resolve kicked back in (some people might suggest a spitirual moment?) - and I knew that way led down that deep dark tunnel again. I was done for if I did that - I was so sure - just the end of the road - I couldnt take it psychologically any more. Mentally - I was kicked into touch! Just the end. Chemicals cannot be the answer?
So - kinda - I stuck it out for another couple of weeks (was truly hellish - really really hellish - I aint pretending! just like you - totally unable to switch off) - but eventually sleep came - slowly - not in an "awakening" - scuse the pun - OUCH! But one night I slept for 3 hours - and then 5 etc. So - now back to 6 or 7 - which is just fine. I no longer worry about sleep - if it doesnt happen - it doesnt happen - big deal - I know now for a fact it will come again.
So - I am sorry for being so pedantic - didnt mean to be - but I so know where you are just now - and I so know where you could easily be in a week or two if you just believed in yourself and your ability to heal.
After all what is there to lose? You feel dreadful just now while taking ativan - you know you are back into a "drugs cycle" - you dont even sleep - you have really had enough? So - you have nothing to lose by trying? Chuck away all the pills and just get thro it on a daily basis? Dont look further ahead than a few hours. Just cope. Some things just have to be bourne?
I was fortunate too in that I realised how bad ativan made me feel - the morning after taking ativan I always felt rotten. OK - mug of coffee and I was up and away ......... but not really feeling that wonderful natural well-slept kind of thing at all. I see people in here saying how well they feel in the mornings after taking xanax, klonopin, ativan and the rest - and frankly, my dear, I dont believe it for a second. Perhaps they have convinced themselves that they feel fine - but they must really have forgotten what it genuinely feels like to be drug free and well slept!!
I dont suppose I am conveying this very well - just wish I could wire you up to my skull so that you could see it all in 3D! Then, Thomas, you might well believe?
Hey - your wife sounds fab! What does she do at the university? Does she lecture? Subject?
Yep - I know - I am dead nosey!
We are 5 hours ahead of NY I think? So - when I come on of a morning at 9 or 10.00 - that will be 4 or 5.00 am for you - I will come and see if you are about? Hopefully though - it will all become for you a thing of the past. Already I feel I have lived through some sort of horrific dream! Bit - it wasnt a dream - was reality. Sheer hell. Unbelievable really.
Och - for sure - we must be stronger and better people for coming out the other end? Dont u think?
Sweet dreams!!!!!!!
yer lass!
X

[kindaunwell]

Originally Posted by yinksy

OK, just me kinda unwell!

I reckoned it was worth having a pot shot at you! Was pretty sure it wouldnt work - cos it wouldnt work on me either!
Well, Thomas - are you ever going to believe me?
Mmmmmmmm? - probably not!
Och - of course I understand your position - maybe even more than you might imagine. I suspect too that we might be ages with one another! So - that's two mouldies, then?
What you describe to me - was exactly as I felt (especially this time around) - and not very long ago either! Its a real brute? This "insomnia". My husband cannot understand at all -he says its "murder polis" being in bed with a fidget! Why cant I just lie still - and I am sure to fall asleep. Nope - you just cannot explain it to a normal person! And yes - like you - I too would just take a handful of ativan - why take one when you can take 6? That's me to a t!
And yes - it is a dark place to be and deeply distressing? Depressing too - there just never seems to be a way to break the cycle?
I think I just got lucky. At some point I had just had enough and was willing just to throw in the towel. I simply couldnt take it any longer. I felt utterly hopeless and desperate. So - there I was - stuck on opiates and benzos - what a mess!
My doc advised I just chuck the pain killers and start on a benzo taper. Ha ha ha? If only it were that easy? So - believe it or not - I tapered off benzos over 7/8 months - feeling pretty bad the whole time - and yet clung onto my pain killers. Irish really? Benzos are highly highly addictive and yet I could give them up before I was willing to part with my codeine? Doesnt make any logical sense at all! So - having got off benzos - last autumn - I continued on my merry way with pills! No sweat - I could chuck it any time! Huh! Well - led me to the place where I started to take ativan again - and that was so unnacceptable to my frazzled wee brain that I decided - enough. So - here I am - not very long off all the chemicals - daring to tell you what to do? If I were you I would tell me to take a running jump!
All I can say is that I had to take an almighty leap of faith (should be easy enough for a born and bred Irishman! LOL) - and just believe that my body would cope. And - I think that is what I have done. Day after bloomin relentless day I suffered the horrors of opiate withdrawal and then all the garbage that follows on - the worst being the insomnia. So many people (including doctors) said to me to get along to the surgery and get something for sleep - OK - if I didnt want to go the way of benzos etc then I could get trazodone or remeron or god alone knows what else - to let me sleep. Oooo - I was so so so tempted. Indeed one afternoon - in sheer desperation - I phoned the surgery - but couldnt speak to the doctor at that precise moment. I hung up the phone and just collapsed! But - thank goodness! A few minutes later my resolve kicked back in (some people might suggest a spitirual moment?) - and I knew that way led down that deep dark tunnel again. I was done for if I did that - I was so sure - just the end of the road - I couldnt take it psychologically any more. Mentally - I was kicked into touch! Just the end. Chemicals cannot be the answer?
So - kinda - I stuck it out for another couple of weeks (was truly hellish - really really hellish - I aint pretending! just like you - totally unable to switch off) - but eventually sleep came - slowly - not in an "awakening" - scuse the pun - OUCH! But one night I slept for 3 hours - and then 5 etc. So - now back to 6 or 7 - which is just fine. I no longer worry about sleep - if it doesnt happen - it doesnt happen - big deal - I know now for a fact it will come again.
So - I am sorry for being so pedantic - didnt mean to be - but I so know where you are just now - and I so know where you could easily be in a week or two if you just believed in yourself and your ability to heal.
After all what is there to lose? You feel dreadful just now while taking ativan - you know you are back into a "drugs cycle" - you dont even sleep - you have really had enough? So - you have nothing to lose by trying? Chuck away all the pills and just get thro it on a daily basis? Dont look further ahead than a few hours. Just cope. Some things just have to be bourne?
I was fortunate too in that I realised how bad ativan made me feel - the morning after taking ativan I always felt rotten. OK - mug of coffee and I was up and away ......... but not really feeling that wonderful natural well-slept kind of thing at all. I see people in here saying how well they feel in the mornings after taking xanax, klonopin, ativan and the rest - and frankly, my dear, I dont believe it for a second. Perhaps they have convinced themselves that they feel fine - but they must really have forgotten what it genuinely feels like to be drug free and well slept!!
I dont suppose I am conveying this very well - just wish I could wire you up to my skull so that you could see it all in 3D! Then, Thomas, you might well believe?
Hey - your wife sounds fab! What does she do at the university? Does she lecture? Subject?
Yep - I know - I am dead nosey!
We are 5 hours ahead of NY I think? So - when I come on of a morning at 9 or 10.00 - that will be 4 or 5.00 am for you - I will come and see if you are about? Hopefully though - it will all become for you a thing of the past. Already I feel I have lived through some sort of horrific dream! Bit - it wasnt a dream - was reality. Sheer hell. Unbelievable really.
Och - for sure - we must be stronger and better people for coming out the other end? Dont u think?
Sweet dreams!!!!!!!
yer lass!
X

Hi Ya, Yinksy

That last line of yours, "Sweet Dreams" Awwww Thats a knife in me back.!!! Its been along time sinse I had Sweet Dreams....

Please don"t think of my posts as something I do just to antagonise you! <<<< Well, there are times when I might like to do that to you alittle!!LOL!! But when either you or I get serious about something (like this Insomnia thing), then I get real serious and listen to you (with no doubt in my mind!). Because I know you are speaking from expierence and offering it to me with compassion...... I know (FEEL) what I am doing with the sleeping pills is wrong. At least for me. They are just another hole that I am begining to fall into, a hole in which you say is even deeper than opiates. I do believe what you have told me to be true.... Although, at times, you must think you are talking to the south end of a northern facing Mule. Sometimes, for no particular reason, I continue to do stupid things, even when I know I can get hurt by it. I usually have to depend on luck or friends to snap me out of it. Sometimes, neither one is there, and I get all screwed-up!!! But this time you are here. And you got me to thinking. I can still stop this from happening ......

Thanks for being there, through your posts, yinksy..... I am gonna think this stuff out a little bit more.
Ya know, once apon a time , doing drugs and getting off them use to dominate my life. Now, all I seem to talk about is Insomnia. <<<<<< I must be a boring guy .......

I deserve that "hollering at" and I'm glad you are just "sassy enough" to give it to me...... Maybe in our next post I'll try to be funny again..

Take Good Care, me Lass in shinning armor.......

( Just A Thinking) Kinda-unwell

[ddanna]

Hi Kindaunwell ~

Thanks for talking with me about insomnia! I hope my late nights don't become a habit and cause me to become an insomniac. I promised my husband that starting Mon. nite I will be in bed by 10:00 pm. I usually don't drink coffee but I have been drinking it lately. I also started taking a good multi-vitamin & I just saw that it said "high energy" on the label...I think there's extra B vitamins in it...I hope that's not bad. I also am taking NAC. Then add the cutting down of the hydro and I really don't know what is causing me to not be tired til midnight or 1:00 am. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I was being productive but I'm not! I just watch tv and eat ice cream (naughty!). Back in the old days when I did an illegal drug, the one thing that got me to stop taking it was the fact that I HATED that I couldn't get to sleep at night. I'd lay there all night, tossing & turning, and having those dreams where you're not sure if you are awake or asleep. Yuk, I couldn't stand knowing that everyone else but me was sleeping nicely.

I agree with you that Rosie has a lot of "fun" things happening to her. And I like the way she describes them too. You write some funny things as well. It sounds exciting to live in NY...only thing I wouldn't be able to handle would be the weather. Can't stand to be cold...I love heat. During the summer we vacation at a lake in Arizona and it can get up to 120 degrees there. That's actually too hot for me but 110 is okay if it's a dry heat. Just don't add any humidity!! That train riding you do sounds fun. We have Amtrak and Metrorail here but they don't sound as exciting as riding underground and probably not as cheap!

You seem like you may know a bit so I want to ask you something. You've heard of NAC, right? Have you ever taken it? Like I said earlier, I recently started taking it and I've noticed that now when I take my pain pills they don't give me the same feeling as they did before I was taking the NAC. You know what feeling I mean, right...the feeling that let's you know you took a pill? Do you know why this would be happening? Could it be the NAC or the multi-vitamin? Maybe I was lacking something? I have had a let up of my pain since I've been taking these things but I just want to know why???? I've searched the internet but can't find anything that makes sense of it...but maybe there is no sense to be made. I really don't mind not having that feeling as long as I don't have any pain and I'm not hurting myself with the NAC.

I have dropped my pill total to 14. I was at about 15-18, I guess. A lot of times, I never kept track. Now I'm writing down every time I take them and at what times. Having this stuff on paper makes it seem more important for me and it makes me stick to a schedule...well, closer to one than before anyway. Also, since the pain was letting up and I think I'm getting the vitamins I lacked, I mentally FEEL like I can do it. Whereas before, I didn't think I ever could. Of course, now I'll probably get a bladder infection or something that will mess me up but I think negative that way since becoming ill!

Anyway, I hope you are relaxing and maybe getting ready to think about going to sleep. Has it been 30 hrs yet? By the way, do you know what happened to Philster? I know he had been sick but I'm not sure who knows who (personally) on this board and I was hoping someone knew an update on him. Take care of yourself and hope you get the sleep you need & deserve!

Ddanna