Situation with sister-in-law

[PBABY]

Hi everybody! This may be kinda long, but here it goes.

This is, obviously, about my SIL and my brother, her husband. Just a quick background on them. She is one year older than my bro. She got pregnant her senior year in high school and my bro was a junior. She had the baby 2 months after graduating, and they got married the following year while he was still in high school. The day after he graduated he started working fulltime plus some to support her and their child. Sorry, I gotta praise my brother here for a minute. Anyway, he did EVERYTHING to make sure she and their son were provided for. Busted his butt to get them things. He NEVER once slacked up, has never been out of a job, and has ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS provided for them. Her parents never liked my bro, and of course, when she got pregnant, that turned their dislike to disgust. To this day, their disgust has subsided only slightly. Anyway, to put it mildly, my SIL has no concept of organization, responsiblity (especially w/money), respect, or housekeeping skills. She and my bro divorced briefly, but they got back together after she continuously kept putting him on guilt trips. They remarried and had another boy. She has never been one to hold a job. She doesn't like to work and feels that she should only work when she feels like it. I have absolutely no problem w/women staying home and taking care of their family and home. But when you and your husband are struggling just to put food on the table and you have family members willing to help you out w/the kids while you work and you don't take advantage of that b/c you don't feel like working, you got a problem. My father is self-employed and earlier this year he let her do some payroll for one of his clients. This client is a MAJOR $$ maker and has been one of my father's clients for eons. Well, about 6 months ago, my SIL decided that she would just do the work when she felt like it. Obviously this caused a major problem for my dad b/c her slacking leaves a bad reflection on him in his client's eyes. Ever since then, it's been a battle btwn my parents and her to get the work done. I know it sounds childish, but my God, she is getting paid to a job, and she's doing s**t!!! Well, things seemed to get better for a couple of months and then in August, she got her thumb up her a@@ again and started slacking again on the work. Well, of course, there was something said about it. WELLLLLLL, this time she has decided to be a REAL BIG BABY and won't let the kids (my nephews, my parent's grandchildren) come over to their house anymore. Used to be we would all eat lunch on Sundays at my grandparent's house. Well, we still do but guess who has been absent? My bro, my SIL, and the 2 boys. My grandparents are just drained. They want to see their great grandchildren. They are old people in their late 80's and are still spry, thank goodness, and able to enjoy the boys!! And my parents, they are just almost sick about this, especially my mother (actually she is my stepmother and my brother is her son from a first marriage-just FYI). My daddy has health problems and has NO business working, but he does b/c he's got a family, home, and bills. What is getting me is this-my brother is sitting there DEFENDING her!! She sits at home all day and stays on the internet, looking for the next money making idea she can find. First it was selling princess house, then it was mary kay, then it was jewelry, then it was those purses w/the initials on them or different pics on them, then it was those stretchy beaded, charm bracelets. That's all she does!! I was at my dad's the other day and my oldest nephew called. I answered the phone and he said, "Aunt, do you have $10 I can have? We're going on a field trip tomorrow, and I don't have the money for lunch and a drink." He is 9. I could tell he didn't wanna ask me for it. He initially asked for my stepmother, and she wasn't there. I knew that was why he called-to ask her for the money. Of course I gave him the money. But it's just ridiculous. She won't let the boys around any of us nor go anywhere with any of us. Her excuse-"What if Jesus came back today and they (the boys) were...(insert any activity that the boys may be doing while with my parents)". And that's not criticizing anybody's religious beliefs. If anything, it is HER using religion to keep them away from us. And my brother is having to come by the house and get money from my parents so he can get some groceries for them to eat. Their house is filthy. Clothes piled up down the hallway. The pile is 3 feet high and at one time stayed there so long, that the body odor/fluids (sorry to be gross) that were on those clothes stained the wall where they piled up against. It is just unreal. They themselves are not nasty. They got good hygiene which is hard to believe considering the house is literally rancid from odors, stains, and garbage. But my brother, it's like I just wanna shake some sense into him!! And whenever he spats out some negativity relating to my parents, I know it's my SIL talking and stuff she has been saying. I have stayed out of this whole situation relating to them and my parents, but I almost laid into my brother the other day when he said he thought it was absurd and b.s. for our younger sister to be living at home w/no job, mooching off our parents. My younger sister is in college full-time and as my stepmother has told me, they (my parents) have worked out a "deal" with my younger sister while she was living at home. She has certain responsibilities in that house even though she isn't working. I ALMOST-ALMOST bit my brother's head off b/c I was like "Why are you worried about her? You NEED to be worried about your sorry a@@ wife who doesn't do anything but sit around all day, playing on the internet while you are out working 70 hours a week and still looking for a parttime job on the side." But I bit my tongue. I pretty much shoot straight from the hip when I talk to folks, but I guess I didn't snap back at him b/c his remarks weren't related to me. I have to be honest though, I'm just waiting for my SIL to push my buttons or say the wrong thing. She and I are on good terms. But I am waiting for her just to do that one wrong thing or say that one wrong word, and then I'm gonna let her have it. I am so pissed at her for the way she is treating my parents. She is telling folks that my daddy is not as sick as he is claiming. My daddy has kidney failure, and it's gonna take him 8 months to get a kidney, that's if he lives that long. I know I'm being phony by being polite to her, but it's starting to come to a head, and well, the holidays are coming up, and I just got a feeling that something major is gonna happen.

Whew!! Sorry that was long. I guess I'm just really interested in all of y'all's opinions on this and am I wrong to have the phony attitude I have towards her? This is just distressing, and it's really taking a toll on my parents. I love my parents, and this is just unecessary drama and stress for them.

Thanks!!

[Typical Girlie]

First thing I guess I have to point out as much as I hate to say it and you may hate to hear/admit it, is that all these problems you are blaming on your SIL. Actually if you stand back and take a deep breath you might see that she is not all the blame in this and he too is actually keeping the kids from his family. In fact he is more to blame simply because he's not only allowing it to happen he's encouraging it himself. Therefore it's easier for you all, you, parents, grandparents to blame her than realizing he's more to blame than she is. Because no way on earth would I allow a partner to keep my kids from my blood relatives for no good reason.

You're right she could be lazy, cantankerous, dirty all of those things, but he's living like it too therefore you can assume from that he likes it that way! Sure they divorced, but didnt he go back to her? What does that tell you....he obviously prefers the way they live to how you live...as strange as that concept may sound.

I'd try a friendly approach and keep her out of it, well as far as apportioning blame. I used to have inlaws a little like you, always blaming me for my husband's own shortcomings and let's be fair...men DO like to let the woman take the blame because it takes the heat off them! He is the wrong party for allowing all this to happen and not her, because not to be disrespectful to you, but you arent anything to her...you are just HIS family..theres no law shes got to respect or even like you, actually.

I'd say as you are obviously a young woman, you could possibly be the one to get through to her on this. And whilst I appreciate you're worried about your dad, i hate to say this but guess what? She doesnt care and nor does she have to, so dont use that as a route to a guilt trip because it will definitely backfire. I'd say, the best approach that would have worked with me when i was young, and actually did with me and my SIL, is that we went out for lunch and drinks a few times, both of us pulling our families a little to pieces so we could both see each other's point of view, not apportion blame to each other, showed understanding, and then asked each other how we could move on from this and come out looking the 'unscathed' one. A clever approach which i assure you WILL work. Just tell her she's doing a great job as a mother and you appreciate her point of view, but because she is a valued member of your family and you love her (even if you dont, lie!) and the children, it hurts you all to be split apart like this. If you start this now, Christmas will be easy.

Make sure when she comes around, no one is too nice which will make her feel uneasy, acts natural, but NO blame apportioning, the ground is too shaky right now.

[healthseeker]

OMG! Are you sure our SIL is not married to 2 guys? I mean you are talking about MY SIL!!!!! I just about fell off my chair when I was reading your post. Typical Girlie - I agree with you that it is just as much the brother's fault that they don't get to see the kids, but I don't think it is MORE his fault. Since it is his family though - he really should be the one to try and see them. It is very weak of him not to be able to stand up to her and say "they are my family and these are their grandkids". I have a real problem with people that use their kids as weapons - how sinful - and this girl is religious?!?!

I tried to allign myself with my SIL just as you suggested and it worked for almost a year. I built her up - complimented her abilities - was constantly giving advice - played "big sis" to her - I went way above and beyond. And one day she flipped out on me. She does this to everyone - I guess it was just my turn. Then my brother did too - they pulled some stuff on my dh and me that I can hardly talk about. Their anger is so inappropriate that I would bet my last dollar that there are drugs involved. Now, I only see them when I have to - they are too toxic for me to be around very much.

I know it is painful to watch yor parents being used by people that take them for granted and act so disrespectful. But, I have come to the conclusion that it was tearing me apart too much - upsetting me all the time - and I will not "take on" these problems anymore. I am done! Your parents have the ability to say no - just like mine. Do not be responsible for anyone's else's actions - only do what YOU think is right (like helping out your nephew). You will feel better. People like that ALWAYS get exposed for what they are. Keep your chin up, okay?

[Typical Girlie]

it IS difficult dont get me wrong and in the end the interference and pressure from my inlaws ended up breaking me and my SIL's friendship anyway. So the kids never see the inlaws and only ever do at weddings and funerals. I never kept the kids from them, they just couldn't be bothered to visit....so guess what...neither could i. Some things happen, sometimes you gotta let go. Hard, yes, realistic though.

[PBABY]

Thanks to both of you for your input!!

I do place blame on my bro b/c yes, he is allowing this to happen. I probably should have put that in my original post, but I was getting kinda long winded! I just don't know why he doesn't stand up to her and say "Look, these are their grandparents and they have a right to see them" or something like that-regardless of her feelings for my parents. He just refuses to do it. I guess b/c he knows if he does, she will raise all kind of hell, and I think he's doing just whatever he can to keep things calm at home. While I understand that, I also feel he needs to stand up to her!! I know that's their marriage-not mine. It's just frustrating.

Typicalgirlie,

I do like your idea of me and her getting together for lunch and just talking. Not really blaming her or my family but looking at the whole situation from different points of view and maybe come to some...I don't know... understanding. I would be willing to do that. It's just that...I don' t know...I don't wanna sound negative and act like no suggestion in the world will solve this problem, but she would probably sit there and agree with me and play like "Yeah, we just need to put all this behind us" but then turn around and do the same thing. She had a "talk" with my stepmth a few months ago kinda like "Hey, let's just put all this behind us and move forward" and that "talk" worked for about a month, and then things went back to being bad-like they are now. Maybe, she's just moody and will have that "talk" again w/my parents, but that gets old after a while.

I'm not sure if she knows that I am aware of what is going on between her, my bro, and my parents. If she knows, then she's keeping it to herself and putting on a front me with, just like I kinda am with her. We mainly speak on the phone, and it's just normal conversation. I don't try to be over friendly, but yet I'm not just deadpanned either.

I am older than her, and I feel that she can, in a way, talk to me about things. But this, I don't think she would b/c obviously it involves my parents-her inlaws-and she would rightly feel that I would take their side. Honestly, I would. Not to say I wouldn't listen to what she had to say b/c I would. Only fair to hear both sides. But I've known her almost 10 years now, and she is the same person she is now that she was when she was 18. It's like she has not grown up. And my brother, it's like he hasn't grown up either when it comes to dealing w/her. It's like they're playing those same manipulative/guilt trip/mind controlling games that they played back when they first got married. Just FYI-he is 26 and she is 27. I'm 33. I'm not saying I'm the most mature person in the world b/c I have problems like everybody else, but it's like "Can y'all just freakin grow up?!? You got kids and responsibilities now!!" But anway, I'm getting off into saying how they need to live their life, sorry. I guess I'm just trying to stay "neutral" in all this. I see my parent's point of view. And yes, I can see hers. But it seems like my parents have done everything possible to help them (financially, taking care of the kids, etc.) and it's like they're being slapped in the face for it-all b/c she doesn't wanna work or follow through with a commitment she made to my family to help them with the business. I know that's between them and my parents, and they have had disagreements w/my bro and SIL before, but it has just gotten too big this time, and it's really starting to get to me. My bro says things to my stepmth (his mother) that basically would have gotten my butt kicked or cussed out severely!!! I wish I might say some of things he says to my mth and not suffer the consequences!!! I pray for my parents and for my bro and SIL to get things worked out, and basically, I feel that's all I can do right now. This whole situation is between them, but being family, I just can't help but be affected by it. I feel like a hypocrite talking about all this b/c I am single and have no kids. But I have been in relationships before where we had problems like my bro and SIL have. So I guess that's another reason why it frustrates me. I feel like this can all be worked out if them and my parents would just sit down and really come some serious conlcusions/agreements.