Not at my wits end...but maybe almost there.

Regina21 · 12-05-2004, 11:32 PM

Ladies,

This month i think is just gonna be a complete disaster. It's gonna be one of those months to where I feel like I'm gonna struggle just to get through it. My fiance' has been asking me tonight "whats wrong" and i've been shrugging my shoulders and mumbling "oh nothing." But something is wrong, the thing is I can't bring myself to be honest with him because i'm sure he'll get upset and I will too...more than I already am. He made a comment just awhile ago that made me feel so worthless, lazy and cruddy that I went in the bathroom and sat there for about an hour just replaying over and over in my head what he had said. He probably didn't mean it in the way i took it, but i don't know. It's probably not even worth getting upset over, but now adays it's like even the sun shinning annoys me. Last week (this past friday) we were on our way home from a Christmas Work Party that his company through at a country club. I must say that I was impressed and had a really great time. On the way home we happened to get on the subject of the bills or something and he was saying for me not to worry about them. He said he enjoys the fact that he's the "bread winner" for us because he can afford it and that makes him feel really good...I guess successful. It's his first job to where he can put all his 7 years of college to good use. He feels like his degree and all his hard work is paying off with this job. Anyway that made me feel really good inside knowing that he was happy because for awhile he couldn't understand why the jobs weren't "flocking" to him and all I would tell him was "in time, in time." Well sure enough the time came and he loves his job. He said he feels better knowing I'm at home taking care of myself and our lil buddy to be and not over working myself somewheres. Then tonight I believe he was paying the electricity bill which was only about $70. We were quite happy about that at first, considering the previous month. This bill was down alot lower! Anyway he made the comment. "it sucks making all this money and not having anything to show for it." I felt like such a worthless living creature. I felt lazy and disgusted with myself because he is the one paying all the bills. Right now I honestly feel deep inside that it's all my fault we're in this predicament. I'm not supposed to regret my child, but chilling thoughts keep creeping up in my head. It's my fault, I got pregnant and can't go out and find a job and help him with the bills. I used to work at an assisted living facility before we moved out here and now it's so hard to find that type of setting when i'm 5 months pregnant. They kinda just look at me like "ummm..."when they find out i'm expecting...so that doesn't do much for my self esteem. I want to cry, but the tears aren't coming. I want to go for a drive, but I can't seem to pick up the keys for fear I won't ever come back. I love my fiance with all my heart don't get me wrong, but some of the things he says like tonight probably without even knowing how i would react make me feel worthless. What i find frustrating is that earlier today he was looking at this little outfit his mom had bought us (very early on) and came up to me and said "I'm so excited, I can't wait. I can't believe we're going to be parents" How can he look me in the face and tell me that he's so excited when we both know it's only gonna get much much harder money wise once the baby arrives. I've already told him that I plan on working once the baby is born. I'm sorry, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. He feels it's best that I stay home and care for the baby especially in the early stages...I guess be a stay at home mom. I'd have no problem with it honestly, but if i'm gonna keep feeling like this it's not worth it to me. I'd rather leave my child in the nursery, go out and find a job, make money and feel like i'm actually contributing. Because with those few words tonight, the whole "it's so frustrating blah blah blah"...it gut punched the wind out of me. I really feel like a piece of nothing. I have my good days and my bad days and I thought pregnancies were just filled with nothing but happy days...mine's not working out that way. I'm so sorry this is so long, but I just needed to vent. I don't know if i have the right to feel the way i do about what he said...or maybe i'm over reacting. I know that since i've become pregnant certain things upset me even more. I just needed to vent and i thank ya'll for listening.

hayley0610 · 12-05-2004, 11:55 PM

hey i know how u feel, or at least i new how u feel. i have 4 kids and until 3 yrs ago i stayed at home with then until we couldnt financially do it anymore! i always felt bad that he had to get up and go and i just sat at home! although the first few yrs obv. werent sitting but when they got older it was easier for me to relax whilst he was stressing everyday. i mean your dh didnt say it to hurt you obviously or make it seem like its ur fault, and i know u know that but sometimes we take it to heart. he wouldnt have said he was happy your at home taking care of urselves if he didnt mean it. its just that he prob feels what he said in a different kind of way, wether u were pregnant or not. i dont think he meant you are the loser and if u hadnt of gotten pregnant hed have more money to himself cause even those that are single or just have a spouse think the same way! when my dh gets down about stress or the kids i sometimes feel if I hadnt of gotten pregnant and such he wouldnt feel that way and therefor he would be alot happier of a person but ive come to accept thats not true at all, he is just like i am wishing certain things were easier and less stressful if we had made different life choices. also i had 2 kids when i met him so to add that on to his life without any choice made me feel even worse. Now i have a huge bad habit even though i LOVE doing it and i always buy him things and go without to make sure he doesnt feel like he is waking up every morning for nothing!! although i would rather he have things than me because it makes me happier. Now with u being pregnant it is prob a bit of ur hormones and a bit of what he said but ur taking it the wrong way im sure, you should be able to talk to him about this and tell him it bothered you and im sure after talking u will realize he shouldve just worded it different to you. good luck!

Regina21 · 12-06-2004, 12:00 AM

Thanks so much. Really helps knowing I have ladies like you to vent to. My fiance' and I do talk, but there are just those certain times you need your lady friends around. Thanks alot

jmcummins3 · 12-06-2004, 10:17 AM

I know exactly how you feel, but try to understand that he surely did NOT mean it the way you took it. Pregnancy makes us more sensitive as it is, but also adjusting to the idea of being parents is a process that both parents go through.

I am used to working and contributing to the family income as well, but am not working anymore and will be a stay-at-home mom. It was a HUGE adjustment for me to get used to and I too felt worthless. You need to change your mindset and realize that you are not contributing to the family monitarily, but there are more important ways that you ARE contributing to the family's health and well-being, or what I call the family "outcome." He is solely responsible for the family "income" right now and you are mainly responsible for the family "outcome." You need to take care of yourself now that you are pregnant, which is the best thing you can do for your "family." Once the baby is born, if you can afford it, it would be so beneficial for your baby to have it's mommy home during the day. That's a BIG job and very tiresome, but well worth it if you can do it.

Your fiance's comment was just an insight into his adjustment of being solely responsible for the family income. It doesn't sound like he's resentful or anything, just that he's adjusting his mindset. Being a parent is a big commitment. You go through a range of emotions when you are expecting a baby and so will he. It doesn't mean that either of you resents the other for getting pregnant, you are just adjusting to your new roles in your new family unit.

I would strongly suggest talking to him about how you feel, not necessarily about how his comments made you feel, but how you feel in general about not contributing to the family income and the difficult adjustment that is for you. He will probably encourage you and reassure you that everything's going to be okay and that he doesn't see it that way. If you do find that you need to work (either because you need the money, or you need the time away from home), he can help you come up with some solutions that work for everyone. You are a team.