hi,
i just found this board, about a half an hour ago actually, and i'm in shock over how many things i'm reading that i can relate to. it didn't really occur to me until about 2 or 3 weeks ago that i've been dealing with an eating disorder (maybe even disorderS) for about a year and a half. i guess because i didnt realize someone could be bulimic without purging, necessarily. i exercised it out instead, i guess, and i lost around 40-50 pounds...i don't know exactly how much, because i wasn't aware of it at the time -- it wasn't until about 4 months after it started that i got around to buying myself some new clothes and realized that i'd gone from a size 12/13 jeans to a 4/6, and that i weighed about 120 pounds (which i guess was below the healthy weight for my height, 5'8...is that right?)
that's not what's caused my recent concern, however. after so many months of watching every single thing i put in my mouth and doing a lot of restricting (which i thought i was pretty good at) i started bingeing. i think its been going on longer than i thought (i must sound oblivious) but its gotten a lot worse in the past few months, and even worse in the last couple weeks. its like the more conscious of the problem i become, the worse it gets, because im so mad at/ashamed of myself for having the problem in the first place that it just adds fuel to the flame. i still exercise as often as i can, but as a college student with classes, homework, and a roommate (i do workout tapes in my room...i dont like going to the gym) its hard to do it as often as i'd like. and sometimes i eat so much that even the thought of working out just hurts. my biggest concern right now is gaining back the weight i worked so hard to lose. apparently the weight-gain im feeling isn't visibly noticeable to the people around me, but i notice it (the scale here has read anywhere from 124 to 130 the past few days, which i know isnt a huge gain for the amount of food i've been eating, but i think i've lost a lot of muscle). my stomach is starting to get squishier again and the "love-handles" are starting to make a comeback, and i HATE that feeling. i have started counselling, but have only had one appointment so far and am feeling a bit like it won't really help much anyway. im starting to feel like a lost cause -- starting over every other day is becoming irritating and frustrating. one minute i want to never eat again, the next minute i want to eat everything i see. i want to get back to the way i was, when i had control and could easily say "no" to ice cream, or cake, or ANY junk food and could control my portions. the counselor i'm seeing, and several things i've read, say that someone trying to overcome a bingeing problem should not try to do it by dieting. but im afraid i dont know any other way to eat than to diet...or binge. i tell myself i'll eat three meals a day (i feel snacking is just a dangerous concept for me, because i dont know when to stop once i've started) and when i do it successfully i feel so good, but so far i havent been able to go more than four days without a binge...whether big or small. its hard to talk about this with people that dont have a problem with it, i feel like they dont really understand...it would be nice to talk about it with someone that will "get it". i'm very aware that there are people in much worse situations than i am right now, but im afraid that if i dont get some help (that sticks) my situation will end up getting worse. what i cant figure out is why i can talk about my problem, be fully aware that i have one -- and know that i need to fix it -- but at the same time continue the behavior that i want so badly to stop. like the more i tellmyself i'll stop, the more i do it.
ugh, i could probably keep going forever! but i won't
....any suggestions/responses, etc would be appreciated....maybe support from people that understand will help me a little.....and i'll gladly return the favor, if i can!
again, i'm sorry this is so long...but thanks for reading....
kate
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