So frustrated, with everything

[Emerson80]

I just need to vent.... if anyone can respond to make me feel better and not so alone, I would appreciate it.

I have been on lamtical for awhile (as some of you may have read), and the past few weeks I have been crashing hard in the afternoon. So my doctor took me from 200 2x a day to 150 2x a day. I am not as tired, which is good.

I haven't had a period in 4 months. I am not pregnant as I have been to my pdoc and my obgyn. They obgyn switched me to a new birth control. Still no period this month.

All of these hormones and changes in the amounts and kinds are making me feels worse.
I have cramps, PMS but no period.

I feel like I am letting my fiancee down when I can't go to work or snap at him.

He got me a new kitten this past weekend. The other two cats were standoffish to her of course. Monday night I picked up my big cat (24 pounds) to hug him and he freaked and scratched me (he had never done that), on my arm pretty badly.
I almost passed out when I saw it because it looked like how it looked when I used to cut myself.

Then I sat down in the hallway and started crying because I thought my cat hated me. My finacee tried so hard to make me feel better. But it upset me so much, which is crazy.

I have been working part time for FMLA. Every week I say to myself, I CAN WORK 40 HOURS THIS WEEK. And usually I do good for the first day or so. But then I almost give up.... Today is Wednesday and between the whole hormone thing and the bipolar, I just can't do it.
When my fiancee left for work.. I felt worse because I feel like I am disappointing him.
I feel like I am disappointing my boss because she depends on me so much.
Since I have not been working as much, I have been stressing out about finances (even though it is okay), which makes me feel even worse.

This cycle is horrible.

I am so lucky to have a man who cares about me so much and will stand by me and make me feel better when I cry for no reason. I feel like I don't deserve him.
Last night I told him I would make dinner for him by the time he got home from work. I fell asleep at 3 and didn't wake up until almost 6, when he gets off work.
I feel like I disappointed him again.

I feel so down all of the time because I feel like I let everyone down.
If my mom and dad knew, it would disappoint her too
(at least in my mind) because of everything we went through 4 years ago with my cutting, depression and hospitilizations.

I worry I am pregnant and I know I am not. I will ask my fiancee to get me pregnancy tests, which he will, even though they are always negative. I feel like that stresses him out... I always feel like I stress him out.

How can I stop feeling like this.

[fallen_angel]

hi there
im feeling very down myself at the moment so reading your thread has given me some comfort that i am not alone.
ive just been stabilised on lithium and feel like i dont know who i am anymore. what interested me was when you mentioned about the hormonal problems you'd had, lithium has started to really mess my periods up, ive just had mine a week later than normal and i hate not knowing where i am with my cycle. its strange how a lot of these meds are capable of causing us so many hormonal disruptions, this probably adds to how up and down we feel a lot of the time as much as anything else.
i personally hate the fact that trying to control the many problems my bipolar gives me, just leads to a load more problems from the meds. its like you can never be completely free of it and i often feel quite resentful.
theres nothing i can really say to help, i just wanted you to know you're not alone
Angel x