I dont want it to be over.

[Zealot]

Hi guys, really appreciate the way you've set things up here.

I'm 17, and have been dating a woman who is 20, for 15 months. Age has never played an issue between us, infact I dont think we've ever even brought it up. Unfortunately, in the last few days events have turned to us leading to a breakup. A huge one at that, however I'm unwilling to move on, as I realize it's my mistake and I feel like I deserve a chance to fix it. Please, read on.

I met her on May 7th, we were love bugs since day one. I met her online, through my brother for some university related stuff. We used to talk everyday, for hours at ends, till the early hours of the morning. Just talking about everything, love, life, relationships, people, everything. We went 2 months without seeing a photo of each other, and didnt have a clue what the other looked like. Soon, this little online relationship turned into reality.

We met, we loved, and we decided that we'd stay. Unlike most online relationships, ours was perfect. We loved each other so much, we even got names for our future kids, and made promises about things we would or wouldnt do when we got married. She runs her own dancing school, with over 60 students, and she goes to university. She still lives with her parents, and so do I. My parents however were unaware of me dating this woman, as they are unacceptive of me dating at all. Her parents however dislike me quite a bit, espescially because of me being younger than her.

Later during the year, around about November, her dance school held a concert. We had an argument that night, an argument that went really out of hand. Her mother had creditted her daughter for work I had done, and I was pissed at my girlfriend for not correcting her, even after I had asked her to. I know now that she felt like she was stuck in the middle, and that it would've been impossible for her to talk to her mom like that, espescially with me around. That night, because I was angry with her, I sent her some abusive text messages. Unfortunately, her mother intercepted them.

Her mother had a long chat with her that night. She was a completely different person that night when she came online to talk to me. We talked about how things are going to be different, how Im not going to "boss" her around, etc. We talked about how those messages were terrible, and I agreed and said that I never meant any of it. However, that was not the end of it. We've been having little arguments over things since then. Small and big things, but the arguments always ended in us making up and realizing the problems. We still had a lot of love, so much that even if we had an argument today, we probably would've been out watching a movie the next day, unable to keep our eyes off of each other.

Fast forwarding to last week however, our relationship had become what they call a "toxic relationship". Over the time I had been quite abusive verbally, although I have NEVER EVER laid a finger on her, I didnt even realize I was being so abusive verbally though. Last week we had a tiny little argument, she cried and said "nothing I say fixes anything!", and I could just say "I'm sure crying is fixing a lot", sarcastically. I left that night, angry, and sent her a message ten minutes later saying that I dont want to see her for a fortnight, and that after that I will decide if I even want to be with her or not.

I took her for granted. I was hoping she would turn around and give me a phonecall, and that I would be able to solve things right then. But she didnt. I was also hoping she would meet me at work that night during my break, but she didnt. I ended up trying to call her, and she wouldnt pick up. I tried ringing her at home, her mom cheekily talked to me in a way that showed that she was clearly hiding something. I was pissed because of the mother, and once again, without realizing, I sent her abusive messages. I even talked about killing myself if she wouldnt pick up the phone, but we have both said things like those before, and they've never meant anything. We both realize we're just being immature and that neither of us is really going to do anything to harm ourselves in any way.

After that message, her phone was off. From that day to today, it's been off. I tried finding her the next day, and couldnt find her anywhere. I stuck around outside her house then, hoping that she will show up eventually. I saw her in her mother's car, driving down the road, but as soon as they saw me they drove off. They did that two more times, driving off as soon as they spotted that I was still around. Realizing that trying to contact her then isn't going to work out, I just left.

I rung her house up the next day, and the dad picked up the phone. He said that she doesnt want to talk to me, and that she isnt at home. When I asked what it was that I did wrong, all he said was "You sent some pretty rude messages thursday night", and that was it. I tried saying that I was sorry and that I knew what I had done and wanted a chance to tell her how sorry I was, but he just said "No, she doesnt want to continue with this relationship" and he said that he'd let her know what I had said and he just hung up the phone. I know all her passwords, and from one of her emails I've learnt that she has now got a new telephone number.

Yesterday he rung up my dad. He said to my dad what had happened between me and my gilrlfriend. He said to him that my girlfriend didnt want to see me anymore, and that I should stop contacting her. He said to him that he got her a new number for her cell phone too, and that if I tried contacting her now he would take "appropriate action", with which he is probably referring to legal action.

I realize that if my girlfriend wanted to contact me, she could've just sent me an email, or drop me a line through MSN, or anywhere. But she didnt. However, on the other hand, she still hasnt changed her passwords, nor has she straight up told me that it's over. I know she is angry, and I know what I've done wrong. I realize now. I didnt even know I was being abusive, but I know now. I know what I've done, not only have I gone through the trouble to find out all about "toxic relationships", I've even been kicking myself for ever swearing at her.

My question remains this...do I have any hope with getting back with her at all? I cannot leave her, she means everything to me, and I just want a chance to talk to her and to apologize to her and tell her that I realize my mistakes, and that I want to fix them. Any advice on what to do to get her back is very appreciated.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this.

[KeltoKel]

It sounds like the BOTH of you have some growing up to do. She is 20 years old and needs to stop having her parents speak and do things for her. She also needs to stop telling her parents every aspect of your relationsip - unless, ofcourse, she is scared and needed help from them.

You, need to stop saying such toxic things like you are going to kill yourself, that you can't live without her, and sending her messages, etc. You also need to stop stalking her outside of her house. That could cause major trouble for you!

In any case, every relationship is a learning experience. What have you learned from this one? She is probably your first real love and you will have many other loves. I think you need to move on for now. Let time heal the wounds. THe fact that her parents are so involved isn't good b/c they are helping her make decisions, etc. It sounds like she is close to them and she may be listening to everyting they tell her. Again, maybe they are helping her, but at the same time, maybe they need to mind their own business.

You have done some damage with your words - just step back and wait to see if she contacts you. For now, I would say she wants to be left alone. You can't force someone to be with you.

[brook65]

My god - I am sorry, but your behaviour towards this girl is abusive. But you already knew that!

What worrys me here is you saying you 'didn't realise' you were being abusive, that says to me that you obviously have an anger problem that needs addressing.

I think from the fact that this womans parents have intervened here, shows that this woman probably is at the end of her tether and can't cope or deal with your behaviour, you can probably tell from this, that I have been in this womans shoes myself.

The fact that her dad has rung your dad, I would take that seriously.

I suggest that you try to accept that this is over, this girl may well of loved you, thought you were the one etc etc, but verbal abuse eventually kills all that, I am sorry, but I know!

On a positive point, you have now recognised your anger, which is a good step, I think you should now work on that, and find ways of dealing with whatever triggers it.

You are young, you can learn from this relationship, recognise where you went wrong, and when the next one comes along, don't make the same mistake.

Good luck

[Baby_hands]

i'm sorry to say this, but I agree with the others.

I dated someone like you for about 3 weeks and...it was damaging! I couldnt run fast enough!

I am with her parents. They have every effort to be worried about their daughter. You were acting very unstable and immature. The best thing you can do now is leave her alone and learn from your mistakes. Maybe send her a letter of apology and tell her that you are going to leave her alone to respect her wishes.

How you have acted is unacceptable.

Learn from this!

[susieq0726]

I too have to agree with the others. Your behavior was abusive, controlling and unacceptable. I am sorry but you will have to accept the fact that this relationship is over. Hopefully you have learned something and when the time comes to begin another relationship, you won't make the same mistakes.
Good luck to you - Remember you are young and still have a chance to change things in your life.