Sadmum, Flintrock, Chef, Kim

cram315 · 10-17-2006, 04:59 PM

My ex finally responded to me and it was a wake up call for me. By the time I was finished reading it I realized I am my sons enabler. I am still seeing him as my little boy. I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Worse of all my son is a con artist and I am constantly allowing myself to be conned. That he is skating through life, living off of me.

After reading the email I realized I had to put tough love in place with rules written in stone and you know what I realized about myself? I avoid taking the bull by the reins when it comes to my son. Although I am a yeller in the heat of anger with him, I avoid it at all other times, if I am not angry I avoid confrontation. Here I am worried about his future and right now he has no future. When did I turn into gumby?

sad,mum · 10-17-2006, 06:46 PM

Dont beat yourself up cram,us mothers always want to believe in our kids and ive been where you are and worse not only did i enable i was co-dependant which means i lived her life and forgot about my own.We need to find out for ourselves just as they do,so now i got to the point im sitting back letting her learn and reap the consequences,still worrying and fearful,we had a very unsavoury character at the door today looking for her and we just said she doesnt live here anymore,probably a dealers sidekick and yes im scared for her for my family and theres nothing i can do about it,if we could relocate we would,i dont see our kids getting better while they are in the same town,in fact rehab tells you,you cant go back home if you want to beat addiction.Another christmas coming another year of addiction,dont know where it will end.sadmum

flintrock · 10-17-2006, 07:23 PM

Been right where you are. We all have. It's part of the process. So don't take it so hard. You have to get to the point of "I am tired of this crap, and I am not going to put up with it any longer." Their behavior makes you mean. I feel mean, but I know it's not, it's the way it is. I have done all I can for my son. And I know that. I have paid fines, picked up the pieces, found him jobs, made excuses...and now that didn't work. So why do it any more????? You have to get a gut full and get tired to being treated like crap. They use us, because we let them. Don't let them any more. Once we stand up for ourselves, maybe they will take a stand for themselves. I am done now. Son will have to make the first move to contact me. I am done. the only time I hear from him is when he's in need. He doesn't call on my birthday, his dad's birthday, or his brother's birthday. He doesn't keep his word....I always keep mine..if I tell him something, he can take it to the bank. Not so with him. I don't believe one single thing he tells me. He's a liar and a manipulator. If he could screw me to get something, he will. He will lie cheat and steal. Now, I never taught him that......He is living a lie. and you know, he may like that kind of life. I don't know............if he does, he won't change. No matter what I do or day. So, I do and say nothing...............Hang in there and pull your boot straps up and look at the big picture. If a little tough love saves him, it's worth it. If it doesn't, you can say you tried everything........now it's in God's hands.....we will stick together and ger through all this crap ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are survivors!!!!!!

kim4074 · 10-17-2006, 07:58 PM

Your not gumby your being a parent the only way you know how. It was your job to make sure your children are safe and happy. From what I have learned though is that you need to set boundaries and stick to them and if you dont they will keep taking advantage of you no matter what. Now that he is all grown up and think hes ready to be an adult you have to let him go and make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons the hard way without you there to pick him up and make everything better. Set boundries stick with them and just dont allow this to go on in YOUR home dont forget that. Tell him is he cant call you and he wants to go party then he can find his own place cause your not his motel he cannot come and go out of YOUR house as he pleases. He didnt pull this with his father I'm sure. So get strong stay strong and you have raised him and now its time to let him go. Best wishes. Kim

sad,mum · 10-17-2006, 08:01 PM

You must remember we have been willing to do anything to help them over this addiction yes its hard but many do it,the bottom line is they want to be addicts more than they want to be clean,we cant change that.This is morbid but i faced my worst fear,that she would die,how would i live with that,for yrs it was unthinkable i would die too.But something changed and i realised i would survive did i not have 2 sons a husband 2 sisters and an elderly mother to live for.People lose children,innocent,law abiding young parents with little ones of thier own who die though no fault of thier own and life goes on within their families.My philosophy- i will help you to be clean but not to be drug a addict-I once felt such guilt but looking back,at what,for being the best mother i know how to be,never perfect,sometimes selfish esp.when i was younger but boy when my kids need me i am there,Hugs to all mums worrying tonight,sadmum