hi trg,
i have similar memories...of how my grandmother passed, and i haven't gotten a chance to say a proper good-bye to her, nor to my grandfather, who passed alone, without anyone by his side. i told myself many years ago that if i let myself think about those things too much, i'd go crazy; and if i'd let the thoughts haunt me, i'd be in bad shape. i tried very hard to redirect my thoughts to other things. in a way, i had to...to work, to making something of myself, to looking for someone to spend my life with.... my grandma, god bless her, always told me (we were extremely close) that if she died, i'd have to go on with my life (i thought if she went, i'd die too!!), "because that's how life is, my dear..." she'd say, "you have to go on, to get married, to have a family, that's the normal course of life...." that was a very powerful message for me, and i think of it even now, when melancholy strikes--which is pretty often these days. i used to be scared to death of death, of the inevitability of it, of its eternity, but i'm not anymore.
i think that with time we grow and mature, and maybe our belief system change, so that we realize we're not the most important ones in the universe. we learn that we have many limitations, and that to give up control in some aspects of life is necessary and even liberating.
the difference between our life stories is that you've had a much more difficult childhood than i have, whereas my childhood was the most precious time in my whole life, and i will always treasure it in my memories. i don't think i'll ever have something like that again. the love i had from two people (my grandparents) who loved me unconditionally will never, ever make itself manifest again...i can feel it almost. what are the odds of meeting your "soulmate" at 36 yo and beyond?
so, the hell i've been living through has been relatively recent....as opposed to yours. although, as far as the divorce goes, and the other stressors that have put additional burdens on a sensitive soul such as yours--the have all added to the nightmare....and no wonder you're having horrible thoughts and nightmares right now. wish i had a magic wand!!!! but i think that i'll leave the healing to you and to to the powers that be (cuz unfortunately, i'm only human
. i wanted to ask you if you believe in anything--are you spiritual at all?
i don't know why i wrote these things down. to let you know that i also think about the past, and that i miss my family (who're no longer here) very much.
oh, also, i agree with your dad--do not feel guilty!!! thoughts don't cause things to happen. you were 12 yo!!! -a kid. i said the same thing about my parents, and hated them to high heaven, many times....kids alwasy do, at least once .... i'm completey sure your dad understood!!!!! and i'm sure he loved you very much!!!!
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