a pouring out of love

[ICC]

To all-----Any holiday spirit I was to have started about 2-3 weeks ago with my youngest suggesting we listen to some Christmas music and together decorate the house. I really didn't care at that point if a tree was even put up as we are 3 adults here. My shopping was done and wrapped. Having no interest other than the fact that my 2 grandchildren still beleive in Santa. I started to build boundaries. Did what i could and told everyone no cards this year or cookie making as I didn't feel up to it physically or mentally. Felt good about my decision as I would usually do what was exprected of me. Then in the last couple of weeks all of you came along and helped me to see that there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel i have lived in for many years. My family has been great. They listen to what I tell them about some of our conversations and always ask how my counseling session went. The aloneness was still there as at times I thought" Yeh, yeh, yeh, everyone understands but really doesn't since they're not in my mind." But you are because you all have been there in your own minds. That prompted me to really start listening and believing that I am a good person and did nothing to being this on myself. I wish my abusers a Merry Christmas and hope that they are happy in whoever they are with and whatever they are doing. Happy they are not with me. Part of my loved ones are celebrating Christmas with the Baby Jesus and have wished me peace. My husband , youngest daughter and I went out for a quiet dinner last night. the outpouring of love they showed me was trememdous. They both made it clear that they had seen such a difference in me in the last 2 weeks that it made their hearts happy to have me heal as they love me with all their hearts. They both told me how much they love me and why. I cried alot last night. happy tears for once. FTM I guess they saw that newfound strenght that i can't identify yet so with your help and thiers i will know that I have it and when i can't find it i'll dig until i see it. We talked and talkd when we got ome, opened our gifts as hubby and daughter are late sleepers and all felt the need to be with the kids today and make today all about them and their innocence. what headway I am making. still a littel uncomfortable since it's so new to me to know that i am good and deserving of being loved and not that little girl who was so bad that she deserved nothing especially kind, gentle people who have poured their love out to me.

I love you all as you have all become a part of me and wish only the best of mind and body to all of you. with prayers for our continued recovery and healing.

ICC xo

[Phoenix]

Originally Posted by ICC

FTM I guess they saw that newfound strenght that i can't identify yet so with your help and thiers i will know that I have it and when i can't find it i'll dig until i see it.

I am sure that others see it; I was just the first to mention it in the fashion I did. We are all committed to helping each other. Others brought things out in me, which in turn gave me the ability to reciprocate in kind.

I wouldn't be surprised if a few behavioral scientists or students view this forum for insight into PTSD(maybe they are some of the "lurkers" as Sid puts it ).

We are all close to something wonderful happening; a new revelation of self.

Enough for now.......enjoy the rest of the Christmas holiday.

Take care
God Bless
FTM

[stick2013]

Dear ICC, FTM, and everyone,


I am so glad that all of you are finding Christmas a time for healing and sharing. I am grateful that all of you are in the Christmas spirit, and are seeing things from a different perspective. Christmas is a time for forgiving, for love, for family's, and for the world to take notice that today was a very special day in our history.

My hope is that all of us carry this through to not only the new year, but through the rest of our lives.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a little Bah Hum Bug from me.....

Sid

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ICC

still a littel uncomfortable since it's so new to me to know that i am good and deserving of being loved and not that little girl who was so bad that she deserved nothing especially kind, gentle people who have poured their love out to me.

ICC, sounds as though you have integrated yourself back together. You always pushed part of yourself away and would not accept her - that part of you that your mother always put down. People need themselves to be one whole, not different pieces that are not all pulled together. I think this is why people at work could torment you so easily. You were a person in pieces. Who can stand up for themselves if they are not a whole strong person. The fact that you are also a Capricorn which is a strong earth sign, you will function better being whole. Earth is stable and strong. You were pieces that were not integrated. No wonder you had trouble functioning. Feel your strong, integrated self. Enjoy! You so deserve it! I am so happy for you! I'll bet your health will improve too that you are not in pieces anymore.

[ICC]

sannah---after all these years of trying to figure out why I had so many problems with the nasties at work i think you hit the nail on the head. Heaven only knows what I projected in trying to hide and protect myself. I know there are nasty people everywhere but i really had the misfortune of working with alot of them. you needed a suit of armour to be safe there. the longe rI am away the more clearly I see that I don't wish to spend my days in that environment. I am too happy go lucky to be on guard all day/everyday.
thanks my friend,
ICC