I'm a monster!

[Lanugo]

This morning I hit my husband on the arm with a small sweeping brush and I feel so guilty about it. All he did was stand on my foot accidently and I just flipped. I'm so ashamed of myself. He's already losing the little patience he has for me. He then told our son "mummy doesn't want to play, mummy's mental". I feel like leaving. Can't believe he's still with me, he's threatened to leave/throw me out so many times.

[blauermonday]

You are not a monster! I am too tired and dopey from meds to write a very good response, but I am so sorry, because it sounds like your husband isn't very supportive, calling you mental, threatening to throw you out, and all. Please be kind to yourself; you are doing your best with a very difficult illness. You can't believe he is still with you... Do you still want to be with him? Is it good for you to be with him, or does his treatment of you bring out symptoms worse? It has to be awful to constantly be wondering if he will go through with his threats. Ack, I am cotton-headed and can't figure out how to say what I want to say. My heart is heavy for you... Why is he losing patience? Oh, please don't be so hard on yourself!

[crazywoman77]

lanugo, please dont be sohard on yourself. I can totally relate to what you are saying, just 2 days after we got married I gave my hubby a blackeye! since then there have been countless episodes and we have only been married 18 months! after being diagnosed things at first got worse but now thankfully the meds have me under control (at least with the anger) Also hubby did at first find it difficult to be sympathetic towards what I was going through with the illness and to be honest it is where my name on here comes from as that is what he was calling me I now use it as a term of endearment lol. After he has talked some more to me and to others he has come to terms with the illness and is alot more understanding. Try expaining calmly to your husband how much his attitude towards you and this illness exasperates the whole situation for you and in the end the whole atmosphere in the house as that usually is the case we all end up walking on eggshells trying not to upset oneanother untill one of us blows unfortunately usually us with the bp. I hope this has helped you, you are by no means alone nor a monster take care and try to be positive thinking of you Debs x

[jules3]

Dont call yourself a monster..everytime i see that thread, i get so upset. how about you had a monstrous moment?

[education_story]

It is so easy to feel guilt when you are bipolar. There is no way you can stop being bipolar, only try to mediate its effects with your medication and therapy. I know that I have certain triggers that set off my anger and I try to avoid situations that might cause those triggers to appear. Unfortunately bipolar is very damaging to everyone in your life, but especially you! Even on my best days I find I'm susceptible to sudden bursts of anger if the right trigger occurs. This fact has caused me to retreat from most social situations. My sister is also bipolar and I find that when we are together the sparks fly, but if we just talk on the phone we have a great relationship. Go figure! Sit down and try to figure out what your triggers are and try to avoid those situations (easier said than done I know) but itmay help. For bipolars, meeting personal problems head-on can be disasterous. Take each day as it comes and forgive yourself for your past. No one can stand that much guilt. Good luck finding your way with this insidious illness.