crisis! urgent adivce needed!

SamanthaYork · 01-30-2007, 06:27 AM

I've been with my boyfriend for a year in a few weeks. We have a very strong, secure and loving relationship and I've never been so happy. I'm 24 and he is 36. A 12 year gap. Some might think this is a lot but we are very much on the same wave length. I'm been an independant single mother for a while since I split with my sons father, have a good career and future. I guess I have very different prioritys to people of similar age. We are very much the same mentally. just he has a few more grey hairs - although i am catchinr up with him in the department!.

Basically I have two problems, which are kind of linked.

1) I havent met his parents. I knew he was avoiding it as it makes him nervous, but i raised it with him a few days ago and i managed to get it out of him that his parents dont approve becuase of the age gap, and the fact that i have a child. his ex wife was 7 years younger than him and his girlfriend after that had two children. this has devestated me, and him for that matter. as far as i am concerned he is everything i want in a man and i adore him more than ever. having a good relationship with his parents is really important to me. -ve been crying about this for two days

2) Ive been planning to propose to him for four months. I am taking him away for our anniversary and have bought him a beautiful ring. weve talked about the future, and we both want the same things = live togehter, marriage and children. Just not sure if we have the same timescales in mind. i just feel that i need to do it now (propose), i love him so much and i want to spend my life with him. just with his parents feeling this way i dont know if it would be the best move. based on our relationship, ill do it. because i know that even if he might be shocked, or even not be ready, the gesture will show him how much i totally adore him and see him in my future. i know he is going to be shocked, but i cant help myself, i love him with all my heart. and hey, if you dont ask, you dont get!. i just need some confirmation that i am ok to go ahead and some advice about his parents

please help if anyone can......

Sam

shorti · 01-30-2007, 09:20 AM

hey there,
i think its fantastic that you found someone that u really love and adore and why not go for it? to be honest, u dont really know how his parents would react towards you because u havent met them. im 21 and i have been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year and he's 31. i have met his parents on a number of occasions. i can talk and laugh with his mum for ages. when im over there she cooks me steaks for lunch and even invited me over on christmas eve to eat cakes with them. my boyfriend told me that his mum really really likes me, although she did tell him that he should date a girl closer to his age as it would bring more stability. now im not one of those young girls that flirt around and stuff like that. its just that he is on a full time wage wanting to buy a house and im a university student and just finished my first year. i have another 3 years to go. so basically we are in different stages of our lives. thats the only issue here. if he and i wanted to buy a house together(which he has mentioned) we would have to wait 3 years till i graduate because i only work casually so i cant afford to pay of a house loan. i have told him that if he wants to buy a house without me then to go for it and in 3 years time if we were still to be together, then we would discuss the situation then. so obviously my boyfriends mum wants the best for him and its not because she dislikes me. so try not to take things personally, im sure they dont hate you because they havent even met you.

StenoLady1 · 01-30-2007, 09:24 AM

Well, I realize you've bought the ring, made the plans and said you were going to do it, but you also asked for confirmation and advice.

So ...

If it were, I'd hold off until you've had a chance to at least try to bond with the parents. I also think this is way too soon to be proposing. You haven't even been together a year yet, and you bought the ring four months ago. So you were dating for approximately eight months or less and you were planning on proposing. That just seems very fast to me.

I also can't help but think if the tables were turned and it was him that was going to propose, I'd imagine he would want the blessings of your parents. He would make whatever attempts he could to obtain that blessing. You haven't even met them yet. I can just see this going downhill very quick if they already don't really approve of you, haven't even met you and then you're going to propose to their son.

I'd talk to your BF and tell him you'd like an opportunity to meet the parents (are they named Focker?) and try to establish a relationship with them. I think he would appreciate that, especially if he's close with his parents.

If he's everything you want in a man, is good to your child, rocks your world, what's the rush? He was a good man when you met, he's a good man now, almost a year later. If it's meant to be, I'm sure he'll be a good man when a bit of time has passed allowing you two to work out any problems with his family.

You also have your own child to think about here, and this man's parents will become a part of your child's life. I think you owe it to your child to make sure you both will be accepted and loved by this man's family.

Pebbles26 · 01-30-2007, 09:34 AM

Couple of things -

I wouldn't think twice about the age gap. Age is a date on the calendar.

Secondly, I'm an old fashioned girl and would wait to be asked - but that's just me. In addition, with everything that's going on-maybe it's best if it comes from him.

If it gets to the stage where it's bothering you - talk to him.

Thirdly, re the parents. My sister's getting married in a few months and her husband to be has been like a brother to me from day one. His parents however can only be descibed as a little odd. The mother in particular can be very interfering. My sis, who can have quite a temper at times, seems to have found a way of dealing with it. I can't believe some of the things she tells me.

I think she's just accepted that these people are always going to be in her life. She chose him but she didn't choose them. So as far as she sees it, she just needs to get on with them. She may not love them but she's polite, civil and does what she has to to keep things cordial.

Good luck.

Kszan · 01-30-2007, 09:49 AM

If you've been dating this long already then I can't understand why he hasn't taken you to meet his parents yet? That's a long time to be dating and not meet his parents. Is he ashamed of you or something? That's just not right. I would expect that if I was dating a guy any longer than a few months to meet his parents pretty soon after that. I'm surprised no one else has mentioned that yet in their replies to you.

Until you meet his parents, I don't think you should propose. What is he hiding exactly? He's obviously hiding something about his parents if he has made it a point for you to NOT meet them yet.

I don't know, I'm just getting a red flag here and it makes me uncomfortable. I really don't think you should propose. I have a bad feeling about it (because he is hiding his parents from you).