Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah
Hi Dakota! I have always seen one difference between us. When I was at my worst I was alone. You have had many long-term boyfriends. I have always thought about this with you. You had issues but you were still in a relationship. I guess our issues were different. How do you think the Romanian culture is with this closeness with others?
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hi sannah,
well, like i said before, in my other longer posts, i don't know much about other romanian families, except my own, since i came here when i was 12 and my sister 6. there was not much closeness that i saw between my parents as i grew up (that may also account b/c of their age differences). and from what i've been told, as most people back in the "old country" lived to make ends meet under communist rule, and fear of speaking their minds, i assume they were pretty much closed in, except with those they trusted most. i'm sure that even relationships between husband and wife were tensed and filled with frustrations and unhealthy "coping styles" if you know what i mean. i'm sure that they took out their misery onto each other. those who were more fortunate, probably had more, therefore, knew how to reason and make compromises and thereby keep the "peace," as it were. i think that economics and basic needs that go unsatisfied, take a toll on relationships no matter where one finds themselves, or where they're from.
as for me having long-term boyfriends...well, the first one i met when i was 23, through my job. he was very nice to me, and i guess he saw i was honest (
keyboardplaya has it right). i' ve always been very honest in my relationships and it's been to my own detriment, since the second and the third "long-term" bf's i had (the third was the only romanian guy i've dated-- the one i dated the longest--5 years), i believe left me just for the reason that i was/am diagnosed with this disease (depression), and i wasn't what they wanted me to be. i couln't always be the happy, go-lucky, jumping up for joy, leave-things-at-a-drop-of-a-hat-and-go-crazy-type of gal...some wanted to go out drinking, to bars and clubs. well, that wasn't my "thang" (thing) as they say. some wanted more sex...well, my libido-- throughout the years became just about non-existent....what the hell can i do about that?!! i'd rather take that than feel like i'm one step short of falling into this long and bottomless precipice.
the thing is i didn't want to be lonely and go through these feelings all by myself. at the same time, i wanted my time alone--and that's what the 3rd one couldn't take very well (he also moved from rom. to another country--israel, when he was 12, and came to the u.s. to do his internship in medicine, and stayed here definitely; i think that's why he was more open to "being open" and didn't understand why i needed my time alone).... anyway, i was always searching for someone who would understand me, someone that would build a future with me--i always dreamt of that (now, as the years have passed, and i'm 4 years away from 40, i'm starting to see myself as remaining single forever). however, you must remember, i was on meds most of the time. otherwise, i don't believe i could've done any of this. i met lots of nice guys on the internet, like on match or matchmaker. i was too shy to meet people in person, like at bars and clubs, although not that shy to talk to them on the web, so i put myself out there, "warts and all," and i managed the courage to go out on a few dates...and i met some men. some were nice, and some were not so nice. some were downright "creeps," as many who've gone on such dates would say. one actually said to me--in an email, mind you--after we met, had dinner and then went browsing at barnes and noble, that the next time i decide to go dating when i'm on my "period, [i] should reconsider, take a couple of midol and stay home." i absolutely had no idea why he would've said such a thing. i thought i wasn't that bad, considering that i was the only one who initiated any type of converstaion throughout our dinner!!....that infuriated the hell outta me, but i said to myself ,why stoop to his level....
i never told these guys about my "problem" at the very begining, but i didn't wait too long either. i figured that if they were to stay or wanted to stay with me, i should be honest, and i didn't want to have my heart broken after i've invested emotionally into the relationship--if any such relationship were to develop. i also thought it woudn't be fair to them not to know the truth about me...to find out later, and then think i misled them, and lied to them...
once again, like
keyboardplaya said,
"..with compassionate Americans, they will at least cut you some slack if you're completely honest"...and they did. at least for a while.
to make this post even longer, as if it's not long enough by now,
the more i got to know these guys and the more they got to know me, there was no satisfaction in the relationships. that's why they ended. i began to be alone with my thoughts and feelings more and more, seeing as how these men couldn't really "get me," so, as time went by, and i began seeing they didn't / couldn't totally understand me, or even worse--they tried to help me, but couldn't, and then lost hope in me, and in the "relationship," or even felt frustrated, b/c they couldn't help me, i tried to spare them the times when i felt most utterly and completely sad. i
felt lonely even while i was with them. i wasn't able to open up anymore. so relationships / friendships sort of gradually dissolved, disintegrated...and slowly ended. in all those long-term realtionships, i consider i've had only one true friend. and that's for completely different reasons. i can't say they were true friends, since these 'friendships' never lasted. and true friendships last!
i tried and tried since i was 23 to find someone whom i could click with, whom i could make a life with, or build a family with, and i've yet to find that one person. maybe i'm too honest? i dont know! i just know that i can't fake it. i can't fake being well, when i go through periods when it's clear i'm definitely not.
i don't know who in heaven is going to put up with my moods. and that's been and continues to be my biggest fear. for the last couple of years i was thinking about having a child of my own. how can i do that? besides not having a husband, or even coming close to one (yes, i know there are other options out there), these medications--how can i have kids while i'm on them, and i don't believe i can survive without them. i'll give and exmple later.
haven't been feeling well at all lately. i actually took a sick day today.
hope you're all doing better than i am today!
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