relationships in big families.....

[76blazer]

I am from a huge family....I am number 12 of 13 (I am the baby girl)....I had 4 sisters and 8 brothers. I lost one sister when I was a baby and one of my brothers last year. So, I have 3 sisters and 7 brothers left..My problem is this: My mom treats some of us girls differently than she treats the boys....We are all grown with families and children of our own. I used to think that she treated me differently than my brothers (all my sisters had grown and moved out by this time) when I was a kid; but, I sluffed it off thinking that I was overreacting as a child...Well, come to find out, I wasn't overreacting....My oldest sister (old enough to be my mom) is the saint of the family (or so my mom thinks-she's actually a creep), and I also have 2 brothers (also creeps) who also seem to get preferential treatment from mom...The rest of us are chopped liver to her, especially me and my two remaining sisters. My dad is NOT like this AT ALL.....My father is a saint....My folks have been married for 52 years and have taught me to take my marriage seriously....However, my hubby and I recently got into a fight and he wouldn't allow me to go on a trip that I had planned....Really, not a huge deal to me- and hubby and I have since made up....Well, mom called me today and told me that she doesn't feel like she can be decent to my hubby any longer because he wouldn't let me take the trip. She actually wants me to divorce him....I have 2 kids with him and have been with him for 12 years...He is not perfect, but, ya know-I picked him...I made vows with him and, him to me- and we both intend to keep those vows...
I guess to make a long story short...I feel like my mom wants me to divoce this guy so she can be happy that I failed???? I know it sounds weird, but, I think that my mom wants to see me fail and see me unhappy.....I feel completely alientated from my mom now....I will never tell my hubby what she has said because it would crush him for one and piss him off for another...I just find it hard to believe that she would actually want me to divorce. I mean, she's catholic (obviously) and has always been against divorce...Why would she actually want me to do that unless she wanted to see me fail..???
Also, I might add-my mom didn't know that me and hubby were fighting, or what we were fighting about. I just told her that he didn't want me to make the trip and so that was why I didn't....I mean she doesn't even know any details about what is going on with me and hubby....
Is it possible for a mother to actually want to see her last born daughter fail? Is it possible for any parent want to see any of thier kids fail????
Also- I work closely with my father on his business dealings, (which she has NEVER been involved in) and have felt at times that she is jealous of the relationship I have with him....Could that be why she would actually do this to me? Maybe she thinks she doesn't need a relationship with me because she has so many other kids she can count on? I would like input from anyone who has any...Also, if anyone has any input about BIG families, I would like to hear that too-because I have a feeling that being from a huge family may have weird dynamics that other families don't experience....thanks for any input and sorry for the long sob story.....

[Seraph]

You might be in MY birth family - 11 of us originally, lost 2 sisters in childhood, one brother died a couple of years ago, leaving 6 girls, 2 boys. Our mother really only liked three of us, but, somehow that wasn't really a plus for them. They got a lot more interference in their lives than the rest of us. One thing about our mother tho, and your post rang loud bells for me, was that if any of the siblings' had a problem with their partners, that partner became the enemy instantly! We all thought it was a hoot, the things she would say. Are you close to any of your sibs? In a large family, especially when there is a bit of dysfunction, you have so much to offer each other. We all drifted apart a bit, but when our brother got sick, we realised that each of us was part of a shared experience that we alone had between us. As children we were a bit "them and us" when it came to the parents. My mother esp, was a bit psycho and violent, my father was twisted in ways better spoken of in other boards, but we tried to look out for each other. There is a lot of guilt in knowing that it was sometimes "Look out for yourself", but we have all forgiven ourselves and each other for that. There has been a LOT of laughter and many tears for us all, but any of us will drop everything and rush to help the one with a problem. There is no one else in the world who had OUR family life, and that has created an unbreakable bond.

[76blazer]

Oh my Gosh...It's so nice to hear from someone from a large family... I have felt sooooo alone....Like there was no-one else out there who had the "big family dynamic".....
I do get along with a few of my sibs....My best sib (my brother-whom I got along best with) died last year in November after a short bout with a very serious case of metastatic melanoma....I was his caregiver during his illness and his best friend for YEARS before he died- as was my hubby. He was my anchor, angel, therapist, drinking buddy, maintainance man for my rental props, surrogate parent for my kids, etc, etc, etc....He was 4 years older than me....I also get along with my two other sisters....One is 6 years older than me, the other is 10 years older than me...I also get along VERY well with another brother who is 8 years older than me. The brother right above me is gay and lives in another state. I get along with him OK, but, we rarely see each other and admittadly have little in common....The older half of my family, I don't really get along with- or even know that well for that matter....They are old enough to be my parents, and had moved out by the time I came along....It's like there were two families...The older generation and the younger generation...I get the feeling that the older generation views me as a "really good friend of the family," but, not part of the family....There is only one brother from that older generation that I keep in touch with and care about...The rest of them I don't really get along with and I actually have a couple of brothers and my oldest sister who actually hate my guts....The feeling is mutual too.....So.....There is all kinds of crap that has been going on with us....

I am glad (for my sake) to hear that you kind of experienced the same thing with your mom....I am not going to divorce my hubby and I was kind of surprised by her statements and feelings about him...It just makes me feel bad when I realize that my mom really wants to see me hurt, failed, divorced, etc......I am so glad you replied....Maybe I can learn something from you....

I am seriously starting to think about what kind of impact on my life being from a big family was....Don't get me wrong----I wouldn't trade being from a big family for the world...But, I think that we experience things that other families don't have a clue about.....I have always suspected that all of us kids were neglected to a point...We always had clothes, education, meals, wheels, horses, and all we needed....But, for instance-when I was born my mom was 40....By the time I was a rotten teenager, my mom was in her 50's and she had seen it all and experienced all the tricks....But, ya know-she never gave a **** about my grades, who I was hanging with, if I was doing drugs, etc....It was like she was tired and burnt out from raising kids...I was horrible and never got grounded or anything....Yeah- great for me, but, I made tons of mistakes because I didn't have parents who would try to teach me, or keep me from making mistakes...

My oldest sister has 11 kids and her last 2 kids have been virtually abandoned by her....She is taking time for herself now...Thats fine-except that her 2 youngest aren't ready to be on thier own yet....They are still little...(10 and 12- that's to little to be abandoned and left to fend for yourself-in my opinion...About the same time my mom was done being a parent I suppose..)

Anyways-didn't mean to get long winded....It is nice to hear from someone else in a big family-thank you for replying....I am sure that things will work out fine on my end....I just wondered if anyone else experienced this kind of weird family dynamic...I find it weird that a parent would play favorites, no matter how many kids there are....I guess, the more you have to choose from; you can pick and choose which to favor most???? I think thats ****....Anywho-thanks for replying...If you can think of anything else that may help me-please let me know....

[Seraph]

Are you SURE you are not my baby sister?? We have the same thing, sort of two groups of sibs, 4 older, 5 younger. My brother who died, lived with my youngest sister and her family, was 4 years older, meant EVERYTHING to her and her kids, and he died after a short brutal bout of cancer. Sometimes I feltlike my younger sibs are more nieces & nephews while they were growing up cos I had already left home (I am 2nd). You are right about the unique dynamics of a large family, nobody from tiny families (4 or less LOL) can understand it. I agree with you about the neglect bit, I felt that my parents had only so much love and patience and we never got enough individually. That is the downside, I guess.

[luvmy2kids]

I come from a small family compared to you... I am the second of six, but I understand the large family dynamic is very different from smaller families. We have 3 older, 3 younger - all girls - and it's sort of the opposite from you in feeling that because you're the youngest you're neglected. I feel that me and my children are a bit neglected because my mom is so busy with the three youngest (14, and twin 13 yr olds). Don't get me wrong, we are an extremely close family, I just feel sort of out of the loop sometimes since I'm so busy with my family and my mom is so busy with my sisters.