When he says "thank you"...

[happymom28]

Most people enjoy being told "thank you", but not necessarily in this context.

So my husband and I are relaxing on the couch last night with a glass of wine with the kids tucked nicely in their beds. It occurs to me that it's been over a week since we last "got together", so I decide to make a move. I unbutton his pants and (for the sake of keeping it clean) I pleasure him completely . After a few moments he starts to get up and I'm thinking "okay, my turn". Well, imagine my shock when he says "thank you" and walks off to go smoke a cigarette !

I understand we are in our second year of marriage so things are not going to be as frequent. I just didn't realize that it all of sudden became all about him! This has never happened before. I would have felt like a total moron to say "hey, what about me?". Now I wish I had said something, but what would I have said? It's not like he has always been this selfish with things, but I have needs too.

To make matters worse I am now all worried that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He has said to me that I don't need to lose weight for him and that he thought I was fine just as I was. I am now to the point where most of my clothes are really starting to get big on me and maybe he just really isn't attracted to me. Of course I realize this could all be in my head and I'm worried for nothing.

Any thoughts?

[StenoLady1]

Maybe he's planning on "your turn" tonight?

I don't know if it's this way for other couples (married or been together forever), but DH & I often do what you described, as well as our "regular routine" in the bedroom. By "regular routine," I mean we both get our turn. Sometimes it's thrilling to just concentrate on the pleasure of your partner at an unexpected time and different surrounding. It also breaks up that routine I spoke of previously.

But it's never all about me or all about him for any kind of long-term. Tonight it might be all about me. Tomorrow might be all about us together, each having our turn. Three days from now, it might be all about him. Variety is nice

Since it was a weeknight, a Monday no less, the kids are tucked away and you guys were not sealed away in the privacy of your bedroom -- you were on the couch in, I'm assuming, a living room or family room -- he may have just thought you were giving him a quickie to break up your routine a bit ... or he may have truly thought you were giving him a selfless gift.

Since this hasn't happened before, I'd seductively request your turn tonight. Have some fun with it. Email or text him some "instructions" today pertaining to your request, bring up last night and how turned on it made you feel, and know that tonight is all about you!

[Seraph]

It is so easy to be wounded in your self-esteem. I can see why you feel like this, he was definitely having an insensitive moment. Still, these moments happen, when you are just not on the same wave length. Maybe there is stuff on his mind is he worried about anything? Don't let him do it again, tho. Next time, definitely make it clear it is a two-way street! Cheers, Sera

[happymom28]

Thanks ladies!

Stenolady,
I didn't think of it like that. I guess it does all get pretty routine, and the lack of "privacy" could have been an issue. The last time I sent him a dirty email his boss was standing over his shoulder (his office isn't the most private) and I embarassed him a bit. Still, I think it would be fun to do it again.

Seraph,
My self-esteem has been easy to bruise lately. He has had a lot on his mind with his parents so that could have been a factor as well. I guess it's too easy to automatically assume it's you rather than think there could just be soemthing else going on.

[StenoLady1]

Okay. Scratch the email at work, then. You don't want the boss man coming home with your DH for a night o' fun.

Leave him a note for when he gets home in an area that he goes to every night when he comes home, a place where the kids won't get it. Or just initiate yourself tonight, but turn the tables and make it all about you.

The possibilities are endless on what you can do -- tonight, next week, next month, next year. This is when marriage can be a lot of fun

Now, if he shows no interest in just a time for your turn, a chitchat is totally in order. But if it were me, I'd take this ball and roll with it. Men love guidance, instructions, how-tos, women who initiate and aren't afraid to liven things up a bit -- even our married ones. He was probably blown away by what you did last night. Keep it going!