Is This Normal?

[CaringMom]

New to this board but read many of the others. Have a question(s) regarding a co-worker of mine. Quick run down: He ended an affair about 2 1/2 years ago (think it was about a year long). Went back to his wife and kids, she begged him so much. Thought things would really work out for them. Both friends of my husband and me. Long story short, she cannot get over it. Calls him 3-4 times a day, needs to know everything he's doing and everyone he's talked to! If he doesn't answer right away, she panics. (THis is all what he has told us) Crying over everything, very insecure, childish. He can't go to the bathroom without her being there! Late from work or anything, freaks, he might be seeing someone! Could go on and on.....They tried couseling (2 times) but she refuses to go b/c there is nothing wrong with her, it's everyone else who has the problems! (I used to tolerate her, not anymore. My husband refuses to be around her). Same for the others. Her husband is ready to crack! I told him he needs to seek counseling for his own sanity.
Isn't this a long time to be this way? Don't they say when you get back together the first rule is to try to go on? Their kids (teens) are hurtly deeply over this as she snaps at them over the most trivial things! She just seems evil and I think needs some deep counseling. But that won't happen. She did go to a doctor who told her it's normal, especially with her age and all (45, menopause?) That satisfied her, she's normal! Just an easy person to hate. What's sickening is that when the family is out in public, what a show she puts on!!! The perfect happy family! Everyone in our area knows better.
Sorry if long. I just know the husband is going crazy and is basically being punished for eternity for what he did. Yes, he knows what he did was wrong; we don't condone the affair, but don't blame him for leaving now that we know what she's really like. And yes, if it were not for the kids, he'd be gone!! May still happen...Just by listening to him, he says it's nice we're here to talk to. She'd flip if she ever knew. Any input? Anyone been here? Thanks. The Staff

[tarheel247]

she may be a little overboard. but seeing that HE had such a long affair she has a right. he deserves the nagging and crap that he is getting. he broke her trust and now he has to pay.

i haven't been there exactly like that. i thought my stbx was cheating with a co-worker. so i questioned, accused and tracked via gps on his cell. he was moving soon anyway, but i still thought he should have waited till he was out of my house. but if he were to come back now then i would prob be just like the wife you are talking about. she prob needs some meds to take the edge off till she can come to terms with his cheating and all that went with it.

i find it strange for you to be soooo fed up with her and not him. nobody deserves to be cheated on. nor do they deserve to be labled like you have done.

[StenoLady1]

Well, if all of this is what you're hearing from the husband, I don't think I'd put too much weight in it. I mean, he obviously had no problem lying to and cheating on the woman he took vows to be faithful with. Lying to friends and coworkers to paint her to be the bad guy would be a piece of cake.

If you have personally witnessed this behavior and yet choose "not to tolerate her," all you can really do is offer support for your friend. I don't think there's some magical number as to when a spouse gets over the hurt of being cheated on. For some, it might be a few months or a few years; for others, it may take much longer.

He made his bed, ya know?

Oh, I always thought the first step in attempting to restore the marriage is meeting each other's emotional needs? It seems to differ depending on the "expert," but considering her husband took a lover for a year while married to her, her emotional needs are probably VERY different from yours or mine.

[CaringMom]

Yea, know what you are saying. Guess we hear and see too much. Granted he does need to pay, and he realizes that and is willing to. She seems to go overboard at times. I know I've seen her snap like a twig over a compliment my husband gave her! That's the straw that broke the camel's back with my husband. Hasn't talked to her since. I guess what I'm fuming about is that I see what it's doing to her kids, not just the husband. They are terrified of her. You can see it when they are around her. You can tell they won't dare to disagree with her. Know they're confused. Think she has more problems than marriage problems. Yes, meds and counseling would not hurt her.

And us being fed up with her; I guess it's due to the fact that she was soooo nice to everyone when they went thru this we all really felt for her. Helped her move, did things with her. As soon as they got back together she became rude and basically dumped everyone. We all felt really used; confusing for us. And now when/if we speak to her, we watch how we say things as she's always twisting everyone's words. Kinda like she's punishing everyone for his mistake! Guess this should be on another board? Sorry if I'm/we're not real sympathetic to her as others may be; you'd really have to know her. And in a nut shell, why be with someone you don't trust? Why would you beg so much to have someone back knowing you'd never trust them again? Wouldn't want to live my life like that.
Thanks though.

[happymom28]

The first thing you have to remember is he chose to have the affair, and for a pretty long time. He chose to go back to her and work on their marriage.

The truth of the matter is you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. He wronged her and he needs to be the one to earn her trust back. You don't know if he truly is doing this or not. It's very easy to pass blame and opinions from the outside, but you just don't know for sure. IMO she is a much bigger person than me because I NEVER would have let him back, especially after carrying on for so long. What he did is pretty unforgivable from many perspectives.

The bottom line is there really is no magic number to get over it. She will be when she will be. I think they probably need counseling for that to ever happen, but I'm not in a position to judge because I do not know them. If she feels she can never get over it she should cut her losses now and not put their family through anymore turmoil.