Lack of stimulation = Lack of Love?

[Jen38]

Hi There,

just wondering if any of you with ADD or who are a partner of ADD person have gone through the same thing?

I have been with my partner for almost 2 and a half years. At first he told me he was bi-polar but in January was re-diagnosed with ADD. He is on medication and it really seems to be working.

Have any of you exprienced the falling out of Love situation where your partner is no longer finding the relationship stimulating so they think they are falling in and out of Love with you every few months?

I just finished ADD and Romance so I know this happens. It hurts so much and I end up sticking with it most of the time knowing it will change. Within a few weeks normally he will come back to me and say he did not know why, but that was the way he felt at the time. They explain it in the book that the certain part of the brain that craves stimulation may lead the ADD person to think they have fallen out of Love becasue it it not that crazy exciting honeymoon phase anymore.

I am certainly not perfect and have not been at my best since my Mom died about 9 months ago. However this falling in and out of Love has gone on several times before when there was no crisis.

The last time was when my Mom died and he broke up with me.

I guess the second part of my question is when a negative event happens or stress occurs is an ADD person likely to withdraw?

I am really struggling with this as I don't want to be rash, but the merry go round is very painful for me.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[Nightclub]

Having ADD has absolutely nothing to do with him falling in and out of love. That is normal. Let me guess, you guys take a break for a few weeks, and he starts to miss you, so you take him back? and then he gets bored again. that has nothing to do with ADD.

[Jen38]

Hi There,
Normally I would agree with you, but the situation is not quite as you describe it. Most of the time he stays in the relationship but feels the need to tell me his feelings have changed and he does not feel the same anymore.
Then normally within a few weeks he finds the feelings are back.

This is the book I am referring to by Jonathan Halverstadt.
A. D. D. and Romance: : Finding Fulfillment in Love, Sex, & Relationships.

In it he talks about how many relationships are ruined because of this very thing. He says that an ADD person (he is one too) craves or feels normal when stimulated and when that goes away an ADD person can confuse this lack of stimulation with a lack of Love because they no longer feel it physically like they would at the begining of a relationship.

Thanks for your response. I realize you are just calling it like you see it and maybe I am just being a dope.

[rheanna]

Jen38,

It sounds to me that there are two issues here.

First, it may be true that SOME people with ADD confuse stimulation with emotions, and end up falling in and out of love with someone. This is NOT true of all ADDer's.

Second, and more importantly to my mind, is your reaction to all this. Please see the discussion under:
[url]http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=492747[/url]
"Marriage and ADHD"

Regardless of his reasons for behaving like this, he seems to feel that it is ok to have a relationship when he wants one, and throw the relationship away when he no longer wants it. The question is: do you want to spend the rest of your life living this way? You can do only so much to influence him to change. If he doesn't want to change, then you are given two choices -- live with alternating love and rejection, or leave and find peace (and hopefully love) somewhere else.

I feel your pain and confusion. You are expecting certain things from this relationship and you are getting them only part time, with pain and rejection the rest of the time. I've been there, done that. It's awful.

As I said in my discussion in the other thread, ask yourself the old Ann Landers question: "Are you better off with him or without him?"

Ultimately only you can make a decision about your life. Whatever decision you make, we're here to sympathise.

--Rheanna

[Nightclub]

I still would not point the finger at ADD. At this point, this is just a characteristic of his personality, and you really can not change someone's personality.

You can not change someone's personality, but you can alter certain traits of someone's personality. Such as in this case, treatment for ADD can alter traits in his personality (comes off more intelligent, better performance, more confident, more reasonable/understanding etc.) but I would not credit this falling in and out of love to ADD. I think your looking for an answer on why he is like that, but this sounds more of like the saying "The Grass is Always Greener on the other side" or "You want what you cant have" you know what I mean?

I dont know, my suggestion is find someone else, your not his pet that he can take out of the cage when he wants.