Sinking Into Severe Depression - How Do I Stop It?

[Rustysgurl]

I haven't been on here in a while, and have missed you all. My back has flared up big time, with the buttock and hip pain just burning and radiating down into my thigh and calf. My left leg is getting weaker, too. I've got an appt with my dr as I want to look into acupuncture. Even the TENS unit hasn't helped lately, and I can only take so many pain pills. I've spoken to my psychiatrist and he wants to piggyback another medication on top of my Wellbutrin, but I really don't want to do that because of all the side effects. I'm not suicidal, but I can physically feel myself sinking down and down and just don't seem able to pull myself back up. My frustration tolerance is at an all time low, too, which makes me my own worst enemy. I sound like I'm whining, and that just makes it worse.

To top things off I got some bad news on the lawsuit front (for those of you who don't know, my low back was injured at a local restaurant - as a guest, not as an employee). At any rate, it's been 7 years since I got hurt and we were supposed to go to trial this summer. Long story short, a woman who at one time was my friend (and who is VERY vindictive) took it upon herself to contact the restaurant company about me. They went to her house and she gave a witness statement basically telling them a bunch of half truths about all the activities I was allegedly engaged in. Based on her statement, they're petitioning the court for more information about me, including wanting to seize our home computer, wanting e-mail information from our ISP, etc. She told them I was running a business from home (my husband and I have sold some items on **** for ourselves and others, but nothing approaching a business). I don't know what hurts more - the delay in the lawsuit or the fact that someone I thought was my friend stabbed me in the back like this. I guess it's just the pain, the lawsuit, worrying about finances and the betrayal that have all rolled into one big ball of *#*!! and knocked me way down. My husband is being VERY supportive - the man is a saint and I know I am very lucky in that regard. I just wish I could do more to help us out of our financial situation, but I feel hemmed in and trapped. The other side in the lawsuit actually has a private investigator nosing around asking friends and acquaintances questions. She was parked outside my house (down the block) several times in the last few weeks, and I wanted to go and and ask her if she would help me move the trampoline around to the front lawn so she could get a good view of me doing triple somersaults (just kidding - we don't even own a trampoline). I know that in the grand scheme of things I'm not doing that badly - things could be much worse (between the VA Tech thing and people getting killed at the mall here in the KC area recently I should consider mhyself very lucky). I'm just so tired of not being believed and of the pain flaring up again and again. My original surgeon said there was nothign they could do, and I needed to resign myself to that fact because I have (in his words) 'irreversible nerve damage'.

Oh well, I've bitched enough. I hope everyone is having a good, pain-free evening.

Mary

[syrinx2112]

Hi,

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this stuff. Have you talked to a therapist about feeling like you are sinking into depression? I get that way too sometimes. I have to force myself to do something positive to try to get my brain to switch over to happier times. Is it possible for you to get a 2nd opinion about the nerve damage? I hope things get better for you and your family. Keep talking and posting.

Angie

[PearlDoves]

You are not whining, you're reaching out to try and help yourself. Its a blessing that you have a good rational in all this. I know exactly what you mean to feel pushed down and when you are already down. Try to do what you can to help yourself out of it if you can, even the smallest things everyday. You may even want to consider getting a second opinon on your situation from another surgeon, there may be other proceedures out there that you are not aware of that might be available to you. I've heard of one where they actually kill the nerve.. the procedure begins with an "r" I think. But as I don't know what your situation is or all the particulars of this surgery, I don't know if it can be applied to your situation or not.

As for your "friend", I know you feel betrayed, but try to forgive her in your heart, you'll feel better that way rather than baking in resentment for years. It doesn't mean you need to be her friend anymore, you may even want to cut off the relationship completely, especially if you know she is vindictive, but still forgive her all the same.

[mamakitkat]

Hi Rusty,
I have missed your posts, glad your back. It's very hard to deal with all that we suffer from because we have bad backs. It's not just a back ache, people dont' get it, they just dont' understand it effects every part of our life. Maybe you can tell your "friend" how much your love life has been effected, how much just making a good home cooked meal has been effected, how even talking on the phone can be a chore some days. As you can tell you so called friend hit a sore spot with me. I know people like her too, they are not worth the sweat on your hiney. I have a neighbor who LOVE to catch me doing something wrong since I got my disability approved last summer, after waiting & fighting 4 yrs for it. I even helped her get hers which she should have had yrs before me. Now all she does is ask how we make it financially, like if I were doing anything wrong I woudl tell anybody, lol. How I wish I could do something wrong or not. I know how you feel sooooo much.

I know how the word exercise is not in our vocabulary anymore, but that is the healthiest way to ward off depression, I would think that anything more than what is normal for you is gonna help, but working up a sweat is what your goal should be. I have been walking a lil and I can't begin to tell you that it has helped so much. It releases chemicals in your brain that ward off depression. I do hope your able to do this to help.

I will be praying for you, and PLEASE stick around this board is a good uplifting place to be too.

God Bless

Carol

[Rustysgurl]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. Carol, I've missed you, too. I don't have anything to do with my ex-friend anymore. That's the amazing thing about it - we hadn't had any contact with each other since October. Then wham - January rolls around and she decides to get vindictive. Like your neighbor, she is also one of those who sits and watches people, waiting for them to make a mistake (like she doesn't make enough of her own). Because of her and what she's done I'm adding paranoia to the depression (NOT a good combination). My hubby just came home from work while I was typing this and said he saw the spy lady down the block again this afternoon when he left for work. If I'd known she was down there I would have taken her a snack and something cool to drink (NOT).

I've got a treadmill as well as a membership to a nearby gym with a swimming pool. I know I would feel so much better if I would walk and swim, but I haven't been able to kick myself in the butt (gently, of course) and go do it. I just don't have any motivation at all (you would think feeling better would be motivation enough). I need to lose some weight, which I know would make me feel better about myself (as well as take some stress off my back). I think after I end the pity party I'll probably make a plan to go the gym, float in the pool, sit in the whirlpool, walk on the treadmill, etc. They've got some great classes there that are free to members (including yoga and tai chi). I'm not doing anything else, so I might as well spend some hours taking care of my body.

As far as doctors are concerned, I've seen my first surgeon (orthopedic), second surgeon (neurosurgeon), pain management doctor and family doctor. They are all saying pretty much the same thing - that I just need to deal with it. So, it's either continue with the TENS unit, spinal cord stimulator or acupuncture. Not the news I wanted to hear, as I figured after 5 years since my last surgery something new would have come down the pike to address my situation.

Oh well, nuff said. Thanks again everyone for writing - I'll try to post more often.

Mary