Yuck!

MariaBB · 05-02-2007, 05:01 PM

I notice changes in my body all the time now. Two weeks ago I noticed big buggly blue veins in my arms that never showed before. Last night I was changing clothes and felt big bumps on my back. After some prodding I figured they were bones. Yuck! I look disgusting, but I'm still having trouble stopping. I'm trying to eat more, but I still count calories. I have arguments with myself almost every day. "Eat more, you look disgusting." "I have a therapy apt. tomorrow and want to look thin, I'll eat after the apt." (Then the next week rolls around and it starts all over again.) "I just want to lose one more lb, then I'll start eating." "OK, just one more lb." (yeah right) It's like having a split personality. What do you guys do? My therapist says to challenge my thoughts, but it's hard. Sometimes I forget to challenge the thoughts. Sometimes I agree with thin-me. How do you stop the cycle? What are you doing to change your patterns and get well?

lostandfading · 05-02-2007, 10:24 PM

Hi Maria. I can relate to what you are saying and I want to share what has helped me from going back to being totally emaciated and to the lowest part of my ED. Everytime I get tempted to go back I think about all the nasty things that happened to my body. My veins started bulging just like you are describing and it became so disgusting that my own brother couldnt stand to look at my arms. He has a very weak stomach and just looking at my veins made him feel sick. Soon after my veins started to bulge I developed hemorriods. Being that hemorriods are pretty much swollen veins I am assuming thats why I got them because I wasnt constipated (yet). They lasted a month and were awful. After they went away I started to get severly constipated to the point where I almost went to the ER. Every bone in my body also stuck out and I became so thin that my lymph nodes on my groin bulged out (they looked like jelly beans under my skin!!) My boobs and butt became non existant and all my wounds wouldnt heal. I was constantly getting papercuts on my hands at work but instead of them healing properly they turned into big, green, pus filled wounds. I was soo distgusting! I also lost my sex drive and the energy to walk at times let alone have sex! My boyfriend was also totally freaked out by my body and so was I. I looked like a concentration camp victim. The walking dead. These are just a few of the physical things that I think about that keep me from going back. My body was repulsive!! Its soo not worth it at all.

MariaBB · 05-03-2007, 10:49 AM

Lost, Thanks for sharing your experience. These are the things you don't hear about EDs very often. For some reason people think having an ED is glamourous. Someone here said they had broken bones due to an ED.

It was hard for me to accept I had an ED because I don't have all the symptoms I've read about (stopped periods, fuzzy body hair, excessive energy). But I accept it now. I take like 2 second showers because I can't stand to see myself naked. But at the same time it's hard to eat "normal". Learning how to eat, and that's proving to be a challenge.

I'm going to try to go to an ANAD meeting next week. It's been tough trying to fit it into my schedule. How did you get beyond your ED?

lostandfading · 05-03-2007, 07:39 PM

hey maria! yeah I wish there was more information out there about all the crap your body/mind goes through with an ED. It is far from glamorous. I'd like to think that if I had known then what I know now that I would've never had started. I get sooo mad at those pro ED sites and people that think "its cool" to have an ED. Its so far from the truth. It is HELL emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I am far from beyond my ED. I am struggling a lot but I am far from the awful low point that I was at. It is a constant battle that I hope one day to say that I won the fight. And I hope you can do the same!