Family of the Depressed

[njnylaur]

My husband has been struggling with a medication adjustment relative to his Anxiety Disorder and Depression. He went off all medications 6 months ago at a time when everything seemed to be going right in our lives. (Bad mistake and we are paying dearly, now.)
Then, there came a horrible "crash" and the realization that he needed to go back on medication.
He has been taking Cymbalta for the first time and other anti-anxiety medicaitons for 7 weeks now, and while I see major improvement, he still isn't really able to self-motivate himself towards any employment direction. At the time he had his episode he made the decision to leave his job and concentrate on just the medication adjustment. The position he had was in law but working on a temporary assignment.
We are newly wed. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary last March. We married late in life because we didn't meet until we were both 40. He was then going through a career change. After our honeymoon last year, he made the decision to resume his earlier career as an attorney which he had left 5 years prior. He sat for the NY Bar Exam and passed.
In the interim of applying for his license, he decided he would "temp". But, had to leave that job to focus on his health.
I am having a really hard time with things. I am the sole bread winner and I really hate my job. We don't have a lot of time left if we intend to have a child as I just celebrated my 42nd Birthday, but we don't dare consider trying to start a family at this point.
He is so bright and what he lacks in confidence and self-assurance, he makes up for in kindness. I have been looking for Support Groups where I can talk to other people that have to live with someone they love that suffers from Depression. I haven't been able to locate any meetings and even my husband's psychiatrist couldn't locate any such groups.
I am a very strong person but, some days I reach my limits of tolerance and lose it.
Right now, by biggest concern is his lack of motivation for trying to search for the next temp position. We moved into a house and the rent is steep. And, of course I am more concerned with the financial situation in the big picture. He hasn't worked on the Bar Application, needless to say. I can't force him to become interested in this. I don't know what to do anymore. In another 2 weeks his psychiatrist claims that he should be funtioning at the ultimate level that the drug will allow. In other words, what you see is what you get. If this is it, then we are doomed! Since we met I have supported him both financially and in every way possible. These last 2 months have really been a true test. But, I keep praying for the light at the end of the tunnel. I need for him to realize his potential and to find inspiration from within. I've told him this and also advised that I can't give him motivation.
If we were 10 years younger, I probably wouldn't be feeling like I'm racing against a clock, but my biggest fear is that we put off trying to have a family for too long and then we run out of all options.
If anyone can relate to any of what I'm saying, please let me know you're out there. I feel so alone. Very few people in my life know what is going on besides my parents and sister and 1 or 2 friends. His family does, and know his long history, but they are all out-of-state and don't really offer support to me or him in the way which I feel they should.
Anway, I feel better just writing this, so maybe this is the therapy I needed.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[reachout]

Hi NJ

Having been the 'depressee' in the situation, I will talk to you from my perspective and hope that it helps you at least understand. THE biggest support I received from my husband was frequent reassurance that I would be okay. Work was totally beyond my capacity at that time, also. I was in survival mode because it was survive or die time for me. I can totally understnd the financial position you are in. Been there. The harsh truth, though, is that for now, your husband's survival skills are top priority and financial conditions are going to need to be bottom of the list for him. He can not get better when he has so much pressure on him.

As to you... smiles. Yes, indeed, you must take care of you! space from your hubby at times everyday is absolutely vital. (and I continue to speak from the 'depressee' person). You need the emotional break just as Hubby does. You need emotional support. It is sad, indeed, if it is not coming from friends and family, but the truth is, others need to live their lives also and we can not burden any one resource too much or we will ostrisize them, you know? I think you will be able to post on this board and find some support. Hvae you tried searching for online support groups? Boy, anonimity to let it all hang out is great. Actually, I think somewhere in the first few pages of this board is a poster who, like you, is getting frustrated and angry with a spouse in a very similar situation. Maybe you can search for it. Another thought is that you start seeing a one-on-one counselor for your own issues, or that you check with a local hospital for a support group. I think the hospital could be a great resource.

Is your husband seeing a doctor? You know,temporary disabilty, while a pain in the neck process, can certainly help to ease your financial concerns.

I leaned HARD on my hubby for support, but finally came to grips with it when I finally came to grips with the fact that I would do the same for him if the table were reversed.

Wishing you well
reachout

[njnylaur]

Thank you, Reachout. I found a lot of comfort in your words! I'll take your advice to heart!

[Kymberlee]

njnylaur, Hi. I know what you are going thru. My husband has been deeply depressed on & off for over 10 yrs. now. We've been married for 13 yrs. It was so bad that about 7 months ago we were both thinking about divorce. We finally went to marriage counseling and we are back on track now! Is our relationship perfect? No. Do we get along all of the time? No. Are we done "fixing" our marriage? No. This is just the begining. What I can tell you is that there is REAL hope for people that aare depressed and their loved ones. Counseling is SOOOO important---for BOTH parties. I cannot stress this enough. If you are not going to counseling on your own, I urge you to make an Appt. today! If your hubby is willing to go to marriage counseling, then by all means, GO! Just remember that you are not alone and you will get tons of support right here--anytime you need it! Get as much support that you can--from counseling, support groups, here on the boards, friends & family. Keep on posting & we'll keep on chatting! God Bless You! Kym.

[even_sly]

Originally Posted by Kymberlee

Counseling is SOOOO important---for BOTH parties.

I agree with Kym. If anything, just having a psychiatrist or therapist explain to you what's going on with your loved one helps. I did this with my husband... Years ago when I was first diagnosed with OCD and depression. It really helped him understand how to help me... And to realize he didn't do anything wrong.

Hugs ~ Hang in there! ~ Sly