Me the wall-flower

[keria2007]

I have this book that I have been writing in for a few years now..mostly poems and some song lyrics that seem to hit home when you hear them. I started this book a few months after I was taken off my ship...I just found it the other day and it got me to thinking back about how hard it was for me in those months.

I spent a lot of time back then trying to understand what I did wrong and how I could get it all back..not knowning that there was no way back to that life I thought I had. I was 28 when I had my nervous breakdown. It was one of the most scary things I have ever ( so I thought) went through...I fell out of my rack covered in tears with no way to talk to my best-friend. All I could do was just cry. I was taken down to medical where they left me for hours like this. When I tried to answer just the smallest question all I could do was shake and studder. All the military bearing I had no longer existed in me. I thought I was in some kind of nightmare and all I wanted to do was wake up and go to work.

The ships doctors didnt even know what to do. I sat down there for hours and hours before I got any help. I was scared of anything and any one that got close to me. By the time they realized what was going on it was to late for me. Within 48 hours I was drugged up and left to fen for myself. All I wanted was it to stop..the shaking..the pain from the muscles being ripped in two and knoted back together...from the fear of my own shadow. With in a week I was sent out and left to wonder what was going to happen to me and were the doctors going to fix it. I didnt know that I was no longer in control of anything. I didnt understand why with just a slight movement my whole world was back to a time that I just never wanted to remember. I didnt want it to ever be there, and here I was living and breathing a true nightmare.

There were times that I was finding myself back in my apartment but a lot of the times I saw myself in a closet scared and crying for my mother( I am not to proud to admitt that) cause she was the only person that I thought could save me from the monster. She just never came.

I lived in silence my whole life. I ran away from home when I was 19 ( it really was that running away) I thought this man is going to kill me if I didnt kill him first. He was my tormentor the spawn of the DEVIL. I found the women that I cried for every night. She didnt want me and she sure didnt want the person he left me to be. I guess sometimes I dont blame her for it...I was after all abused by the man she too ran away from..I just reminded her of all that.

I married the first person that I thought actually cared about me in 1994 ( I wonder if that doesnt sound familer). The happyness didnt even last past 6 months...and I found myself married to the same man I ran away from but this time I was married and pregnant and had no one that I could run to...looking back I think I always knew that there was something wrong with me..I just didnt know what it was. In 1995 I had my son and was in my 4th year in the service. The marriage was fading really fast and I was getting a back bone for this man. I no longer was this passive person that was willing to take his BS and just wanted it to all end. And it did...but I went through hell and back to get him to give me that divorce(5 years after I said get out)

I felt that I was finally doing what I was suppose to do. I went to work, cared for my son, and even did the grown up thing...paid bills and learned to cook ( if you could call it that)..but I finally thought that I had it just right.

Then I met this man ( seven years later and he still loves me and BOY do I love him) in one of my commands ( yeah a big no no)it was ewww at first sight, at least for me it was....I saw him more as a friend then what he saw..but I gave in and went out with him and what do you know we click in a eww sort of way. The relationship had its moments..go away come back issues...I knew after two years that I just didnt love him ( not really sure I knew how)but he was fun and we had so much in common I figured that I could learn to love him.

In 2000 I was transferred to a ship. Not really sure what I was looking for when it came to that all I knew what it was different and I liked that. I just didnt know that with that came the biggest price I was ever going to pay and that was with my career. See when I got there I wasnt what they called right out of boots (boot camp) I had been out to sea more then once..seen my fair share of ports and was just looking for something exciting and that was to be on a ship out to sea all the time and thats what I had plan to have the next four years living like a mermaid. I was a Jet mech ( i worked and was classified for three kinds of airplane engine repair) not to many females want that job its dirty, smelly and just down right hard..but I wanted it and I was good at it...but I was also good at being one of the guys. Jokes that always went to far....dirty sailor jokes. I felt like I was at home on this big floating city of mine. Then it happened. A guy that took something I said to far and made it more..."We need to stop meeting like this..people may start to talk" HA HA I thought it was funny so did the guy that was with me when I said it to this chicken (I call him that cause a man that could do what he did is nothing more then that to me). It started off as creepy following me around the ship. Every duty day that I had he was there at every turn. He reminded me of that old saying "when a little boy hits you..it means he likes you" well I would just always blow it off to him being bored and just didnt know how to say Hi to me. Hmmm thats what I thought until he followed me to my car and was talking to me as if I was a cheap hooker he was trying to get for a date....not a smooth move. I got scared by the time that I got to the parking lot that I was on the phone with the boyfriend..."Just get in the car...lock it..and get home" thats what I did. Not knowning that he was following me...nor did I know that he had been doing so for a while. He would show up at bars that I hung out in ( the hole in the wall kind). Then I caught him outside my apartment...I had always told my two best mates about how creepy it was starting to get and how he was even outside my apartment. Before anyone could do anything to stop him the unthinkable happen..and with that came having to tell..and with that came having to look at the skipper as he blames me for it and tells me that it was my fault...see the guy said we were having an affair while he was still married and he was trying to break it off and because of that I cried foul(still have a hard time calling it was it was maybe someday I can say it).

Then it brings me to where I was when I started this. I still wonder what I could have done to provent that night. I wonder if I had done something said more would I be where I am right now..or would it have matter. I guess in someways Im glad that it happened..Im glad that it happened, cause now I have to face all the demons not just the ones that I am willing to deal with at the moment. What gets me still is what did I do so wrong in my life that made people think that I was an easy target to abuse. Why did my mind sheild me from all that happened as a child for it to crack wide open in the middle of my life.

I miss my life back then...but I dont think I resent much anymore. I just want it out..like a splinter in my finger. Its important to me now..see I have this little girl and she needs me to be there to show her more then I was ever shown..to have more self worth and all that good stuff I never had. Hmmmmm easier said then done..at least for me..but I just have to do this for me..I will get nothing more out of my therapy if I dont try and trust. I will never learn to trust and to truly except things if I just dont try.

Putting it all kindof out there is hard for me. I still leave holes in it..I just cant get it all out. When I found you guys I thought maybe just maybe I found the right thing. I need help and I just dont know how to ask for it..let alone tell someone to help me...I guess Im to proud and just too scared all at once.

Sorry guys...I know that this is too long...but its the first time I have been able to get it out like that with out a full forced feeling of OMG I cant hit "SUMBIT" "What are they going to think about me". I guess in away I hope that you would understand and just be there. I dont know. I just know that I have to start somewhere.

Keri

[sammy68uk]

Keri, First I have have to say congratulations on being brave enough to set all that down. It's a huge thing you've done to have summoned up the courage to post, and you should be really proud of yourself. If you can show your little girl half the courage that this took, she'll be seeing one hell of a role model in her mummy.

You've experienced an awful lot, and to make matters worse, just when it should have been getting better and you had things to look forward to, some POS has taken that away from you.

I truly sympathise with your plight. The armed forces are still often seen as a men only club by too many people in uniform. That goes for here as well as in the US. It's an environment where I think a woman has to sacrifice some of the inate femininity she has to be accepted. Unfortunately, for some deluded individuals, that's always going to be seen as a green light to take things too far. ( sorry, dont know how else to describe that... The word I was going to use makes me angry...)

When I arrived at my RAF station in 87, I attended a briefing by the CO, who told all of us young studmuffin airmen that in the next two years, there would be WRAF living on base. Oh how we cheered. Fast forward till the seven poor, unfortunate ladies arrived on base and were ordered to attend the "Welcome to the WRAF" night in the NAAFI... OMG they must have been terrified. Even after all that time to prepare, there were no facilities. Nothing. On exercises, one poor girl had to share a shelter with 100 guys for 2 weeks... It must have been hell on earth for her... And it was difficult for us guys to. A lot of the older guys had daughters the same age. Most of the younger guys just thought she was fair game to chat up. TBH I'm sure the thought crossed my mind, but I realised that the last thing she needed was yet more male attention. She probably just wanted to take a wash in peace more than anything !

That was 20 years ago now. I'm sure things have improved in terms of facilities, but attitudes take a lot longer. Particularly in such a male dominated and isolated life as the Navy experiences aboard ship. At least Army and Air Force bases were on land and by necessity (sp?) are more likely to cater for female staff and servicewomen.

You must feel incredibly angry that you were done over ( hope that phrase translates in American ! ) by the old boy network. That the Captain saw fit to blame you for a mans inadequacy. You're the victim of two men's inadequacy actually, as the Captain would almost certainly have had one eye on how it would look for him that he cant keep discipline aboard his ship, or that "Women should never set foot on board anyway, it's asking for trouble"

Keep fighting Keri. Your daughter and partner are you anchor in this. Perhaps when she's older, you'll be able to tell her a little about your condition, at least to try and help her understand why you act how you do sometimes.

I'll be thinking of you Keri. I dont do praying, but there will be a shed load of positive thoughts crossing the atlantic to you

Mark.

[layla=]

hi kerri
Ive read your story and i have so much respect for you.You've gone thru such a hard time (understatement i know) and you're here, I have a 7 year daughter who keeps me trying to improve my life. I have been abused also by many people in different ways, but thru life ive realised that there are many nasty people who seek out vulnerable women like myself. Thats not a fault of yours and you are not to blame in any way for another persons actions. I like you do not believe that i am capable of trusting another person, I hope that will change as i learn to trust myself.
Just remember that all of this take time, Please do not blame yourself there is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened.
How is your therapy going at the moment??
I hope you feel better after writing your post Take care

[Dee-nah]

I hate that it happen to you! I was abused myself and I know what it feels like to have someone rip apart your whole life... Like you I have a child as (9 year old boy) that I need to be there for... I'm glad you found this board, I've been on it about a month and it has helped me out in ways I cannot describe! There are GOOD people here who you can trust since they too have expierenced some type of PTSD of there own. I'm glad your seeking help, it's about time you got your life back!

[keria2007]

Hi Mark,

I dont know if thank you should be in order or just a great sigh that you read it and didnt look to bad at me. I always worried that once I told it..what would people think of me. My husband knows all of it now and I think he deals better with my corks...( i like the way that sounds sometimes)

I have this wonderful doctor now that seems to see hope for me..which is something way different then I have had in the past. I think he might just fall over that I took this step on my own and wasnt told to try...HA HA.

Its nice to know that even across the sea there is someone that is waving that pom-pom too. It means a lot to know that just maybe I wont be in that corner alone anymore.

I have read a lot of your posts and just didnt have words for any of it. I wonder if that just not one of my corks too... or is it that I have grown to shy or just fear of putting myself out there. I sat here shaking my head in understanding and even cried when I knew I was reading things that I have been through and going through, just to let you know that I am pregnant again so a lot of my crying is blamed on the new one coming..HA HA even though I know its from me finally finding a home with people just like me in it.

I just know that on my end you too have a cheerleader with pom-poms.

Keri