Intro

[NVD]

Hello. I've been lurking around these boards for about two weeks now, and have responded to a few posts. I've been trying to get a feel of the boards, and decide on what type of intro I was going to give. (How much info I was going to give, how much support I was going to take, etc)
So, a little back ground on me.
I am 27 years old, and have been married to my wonderful husband for six years now, and have three beautiful kids, ages 5, 2 and 9 months.
I have been dealing with this horrible depression on and off for about ten years now. But, right now it's the worst its been, and not only is it just depression, but I have been diagnosed as having depression/anxiety/PTSD, and recently started with the whole SI again. The stress has just gotten to be so much more than I know how to deal with, and in turn, first reactions take over, which happen to be SI.
I'm trying to stay strong, and I'm trying to hang in there, and keeping myself busy, and I try and keep a smile on my face, for my kids sake, and I'm trying to get through this. But, damn it's been so hard, and we just keep being hit with more and more traumatic/stressful events, before I can get a chance to recover from the last one. And the thing that scares me most, is that the next few months are only going to get harder, and more stressful, and I have no idea how I'm going to do it.
There's not a whole lot of people that I'm comfortable opening up completely and honestly with about my issues, so coming on here with so many people...is, well, scary. I think that since I don't have to look at anyone in the face while I'm typing, makes it a little easier. But, I've realized that I can't do this alone anymore. I can't keep shoving it inside, pretending that the feelings and emotions don't exist.
Anyway, I look forward to getting to "know" more of you. This seems like a great, safe site. Take care,
NVD

[Sannah]

Hi NVD, welcome! Besides this board there is also a PTSD board with a small group of regulars who are very supportive. I am glad that you found this site. I used to have anxiety and I have been able to work through so many issues and feel so much better. It is amazing how things happen to us as children and it makes us develop in a certain way with thoughts in our heads and emotions which cause trouble for us and make it hard to function. If you can discover these issues/thoughts/feelings and understand them and change them to work for you it makes such a huge difference. I look back at all of the emotional baggage that I unloaded and all the dysfunctional thoughts that I adjusted in my head and it still blows me away. I will look forward to more of your posts as you get more comfortable and are ready to share more.

[NVD]

Thank you, Sannah.
I have overcome this before, and yes, during that time--It felt so good. Like nothing could ever bring me back down.
But, again, things from the past creep back up, and things from the present just keep getting crazier and crazier....add it all together, and it just means trouble.
So, a bit about my situations. I'm going to go for it, and be as honest and open as possible.

I was repeatedly raped as a child and teenager, by the same man, who was/is a friend of my family. Although they knew about his actions, he was their drug dealer...and the drugs rulled the house, meaning that he stuck around.
I moved out of my parents house at the age of 14 (2 months before my 15th bday). This man continued to show up in places of my life, and always has made his power known.

It's been about three years since I last seen him, but recently found out that he is living about 45 minutes away-again.

When I was 17, I was supposed to go to a friends house, for a girls night out. Well, I was asked to stay over at work, and cancled our night out. She was manic depressant, and this caused her to go into one of her low moods, but little did I know that my friend was on the verge of suicide, and the next morning, I was called to come sit with her kids while they removed her body. I knew she was manic depressant, and she always said that she wouldn't be around by the year 2000, but I figured that if she really wanted to die, she would have already done it. I thought it was a way of crying out for help in dealing with her depression, but I never pictured that she would actually do it. I know in my heart that if she was really that desperate, that she would have done it either way-if not that night, another, but the guilt of blowing her off because of work has sat heavy with me throughout the years.
A week before that, I had broken off a relationship, because of his steroid use. After living around the drugs for so long, I had absolutely no tollerance for it. Two weeks later, he took his own life as well. Again, I know that it wasn't "my" fault, but I think I could have reacted differently, and instead of just blowing these people off, or walking away, I could have tried to help.

I was at a low place in my life, and struggled just to keep breathing, when I met my husband. Along with the counseling that I was going through, he brought me more happiness than I had ever felt. Eventually, the darkness began to fade some, and life was going good. We got married, and had our first daughter, who was born perfectly healthy.
Two months later, she stopped breathing one day, and two weeks later was in for her first surgery. A surgery that should have been a one time thing, but she is now possibly facing her ninth. We have had to travel all over the west coast for doctors, and it's been very hard to cope with, seeing such a wonderful little girl, endure so much pain.
When she was one and a half, we got pregnant again, but at four and a half months, lost the baby. I had surgery to "end" the pregnancy, and that same day, my daughter was back in the hospital, and was back in surgery the very next day.
Then when she was two and a half, we got pregnant again. Our daughter, at the time was doing well. The pregnancy went smooth, and without complication, but came to a hault when our daughter was born nine weeks early. She was healthy, but still had to spend a few weeks at the hospital. Because of this, PPD set in hard.
Last year our daughter had to have yet, another surgery. And during the third month of my last pregnancy, it was discovered that she has a benign brain tumor, that will need to be very cautiously monitored, for signs of growth.
My son was born seven weeks early, and although very healthy, he too had to spend two weeks in the hospital. While it was very stressful, I was free from PPD this time around, and have really enjoyed being a mom to my kids again.
These are just some of the things. Right now, I'm having a harder time dealing with the fact that the man whom I feel I have spent the majority of my life running and hiding from, is once again so close. And now, it's not my own safety that I fear, but my girls. I'm having a hard time letting them out of my site, without the anxiety going through the roof. Also, the fact that my daughter very well may need another surgery. They've done this particular surgery so many times now, that more than likely, a whole new procedure will be done, which is not a good thing. The survival rate drops significantly. Life in general has been tough, and hard, and unkind. Sadness, and fear are ruling my life right now, and the pressure just mounts up, until the only thing that crosses my mind is, well, SI, or death, just to let some of the pain escape. And I'm having a hell of a time focusing on anything but my daughter, and keeping my kids safe and away from this man. I know I need to focus on getting well, and getting over this or at least through it, but damn, it's such a hard task, considering the circumstances.
Anyway, thanks for allowing me to vent...I'm so glad that I found this site. And thanks for the welcome.
Take care,
NVD

[emeraldeyes114]

NVD,

Hugs to you and it sounds like some wouldn't hurt ya right now. I am not sure what has happened with the hubby or anything and I won't hazard a guess. All I can say really is that stress is high and probably has been for a very long time. That actually for me at least is a trigger for my PTSD a lot of times. It is hard for me to focus on things generally speaking for very long. So I kind of understand how you feel on some level though not exactly either. I am glad you have your children and enjoy being a mom. There's nothing like motherhood I don't think that could come close to what it really is. Just my opinion on the matter.

With friends or those we (people on as a whole) enjoy relationships with kill themselves. Often we wonder what could we have done differently or was it something we said or did. It at times is harder when it is family members. I had a friend who also killed himself along with a couple of family members. I have analyzed till I am blue in the face probably every last conversation, letter, or expression from them. In the end, I had to let go of those questions and remember the things that I loved about them. I know for me there is never enough answers to make everyone happy (not that most would be anyway).

So hope you will enjoy the boards and the wonderful members you meet here.

Eme

[Dakota_Skye]

dear NVD,

you have gone through some of the hardest and roughest patches in life that a person can go through, and yet, i see that you've made it through all of them. you are still here. you have three wonderful kids and come through as being a loving and amazingly caring mother. you have all my respect and admiration!!! you, my dear NVD are a survivor, in every meaning of the word. you seem like one of the strongest people i've seen/met on these boards. and just because of that strength deep inside you, and just because you've made it so far for so long, i know you'll make it further. with God's help and with whoever you have that is close to you, you will survive these trying times. i honestly believe in you, and i don't know why, but i see you as being a woman who would go through hell and back to make things right for her children and for herself. i'm honestly speechless at this moment, probably because of your post (i'm sorry, i usually write more), but i just wanted to take some time and say hello, and welcome. you can come here and talk about your pain anytime you want.

if that man shows his face around your house, or if he even tries something, i'd put in for an order of protection against him, that's for sure. i can't believe it!!! i can't believe that he's lurking around like a snake in the grass!!! can you make everyone you know aware of this problem? i know you have issues with trusting people, but i'm hoping there is someone, a neighbor or something that you can open up with about this man. you need all the help you can right now, NVD!!! keep your eyes and ears open. i hope you can still manage to see someone (counselor, i mean) and talk about these things in person....if you're not able, you can always come here....this board has been better than therapy sessions for me at times...and i've said this often in the past.

anyway, God bless you and i'll pray for you!!!!!!!!