Toxic Relationships

[orchardlady]

If you have read the latter parts of my "wallflower" post, you will know that I have discovered the meaning of "toxic relationships." Until yesterday I had never heard the term. So, I did some research and thought it would be a good discussion for this board.

Humm, do ya think we can all identify with this issue.

I discovered that a toxic relationship is one that causes a feeling of harm, emotionally or physically. The relationship DOES NOT have to be physically abused to be in a TR, but of course I would think that intended emotional and/or physical harm would be a TR. Doesn't have to be harm, it can just feel like being harmed, which is what I experienced. And, TRs can be loving and caring from time to time, which can cause a feeling of safety, which is sought but may not be real. (I know the other person in my relationship did not intend harm, so the statement "a feeling" of harm does apply for me. I was afraid to speak up and say I can't continue any longer. I didn't want to hurt her. She is a sweet and loving person, and has been a good friend. But...)

In reading about TR I discovered that I have been in this pattern since my childhood...seems to be a habit with me, LOL, SURPRISE :

• I have always believed I don't deserve happiness...still struggle with that one
• I take responsibility for others, which is what I have been doing for over a year now...well, until this past week
• I am drawn to toxic relationships because I have continued for all of my 50+ years to pattern my life around what I learned as a child
• I didn't feel I had the right to express myself and my feelings of anger and fear about the relationship...until I finally found that strength yesterday
• I discovered that the only reason I have been able to see this relationship as a TR is based in this statement, "it is almost impossible, without clinical intervention, for that person to understand that there is a better, healthier way to be." I think if I had not been in therapy for the past 18 months I would have heard the word "toxic" on the phone yesterday morning and simply shelved the thought as an untouchable, fearful, scary issue to tackle.

I also found 25 ways to tell if you are in a toxic relationship. Is it that hard to tell...25...isn't that a lot of questions to have to ask oneself to figure it out!!

My son is a toxic relationship.
My sisters are, but I have removed them.
I haven't yet decided if the group that was on the other side of the TR I have been talking about is a TR or not...still pondering that one.

So, how many TRs have all of you been in, or are still in?

[rosequartz]

Originally Posted by orchardlady

In reading about TR I discovered that I have been in this pattern since my childhood...seems to be a habit with me, LOL, SURPRISE :[LIST][*]I have always believed I don't deserve happiness...still struggle with that one[*]I take responsibility for others, which is what I have been doing for over a year now...well, until this past week[*]I am drawn to toxic relationships because I have continued for all of my 50+ years to pattern my life around what I learned as a child[*]I didn't feel I had the right to express myself and my feelings of anger and fear about the relationship...until I finally found that strength yesterday[*]I discovered that the only reason I have been able to see this relationship as a TR is based in this statement, "it is almost impossible, without clinical intervention, for that person to understand that there is a better, healthier way to be."


So, how many TRs have all of you been in, or are still in?

I had to chuckle at this last question.....how many? damn near all of em!
Every one of my partners was toxic in some way. My mom gave me a book a long time ago called Toxic Parents. I'm not sure what she meant by that.....if she thought she was a toxic parent, or if she thought her parents were. My mom is severely co-dependent and that's caused by taking care of someone elses needs first in your childhood and you never learn to take care of your own.....so maybe she realized her parents were toxic.....I never was really sure. It almost sounds like you have some of those same characteristics.....you may be co-dependent also.
I'm glad you have the knowledge that you do.....like I said all my relationships were toxic to some degree, but when I was younger, I thought you stick with someone and "work it out". Now that I'm older I know better. I also can recognize stuff a lot quicker than I was able to when I was young and naive. I also know now that I can be by myself and be happy.....probably happier, and more at peace......I really enjoy the peace of not having to struggle with someone.

[Dee-nah]

I have all of them... In my head I'm starting to beleive that they are all my fault, if you have EVERY relationship go down in flames you have step back and realize it must not be there fault, it's mine.

[Sannah]

Carolyn, good work!

I know that when I was growing up I felt that I didn't deserve to be around better people so I chose "bad" friends. (I moved to another state in middle school. We moved where my dad's brother lived. The night before I started the first day of school we got together with this family and relatives from the other side of their family. There was a girl there who was in my grade at the school. She was a beautiful blond cheerleader. I was a country tomboy. We had some really good conversations that night and got along really well. Well the next day at school she came up to me and said "come on". I told her no and within the next few months I went on to find my friends among the loser crowd because this was all I deserved). I realized that I did this because of my low self-worth.

My first relationship was with my husband. He is a very good man. I took him to meet my family and my sister told me after she met him that she just dated her last loser and kicked him out. She told me that when she met my husband (who was the bf at that time) that she realized that she deserved better than what she was picking. She previously dated alcoholics and druggies. My other sister had married and divorced an alcoholic. My one sister has just divorced her 2nd husband and my other sister has been divorced 3 times. I am the youngest.

So I think that it comes down to being around people that you feel you deserve and not meeting your own needs.

Dee-nah, it is not really "fault" it is just the realization that you don't think that you deserve better, you won't meet your own needs, and realizing that life doesn't just happen, you are in control of it.

[Nyxie63]

I think sometimes we can be so desperate for companionship, in whatever form, we don't properly look at the other person to find out whether they'd be good or bad for us. Once in that "trap", either our low self-esteem or feelings of guilt will keep us there.

I've recently cut ties with one toxic friend. This person was my "best friend" for 10 years. While we had some fun together from time to time, it became overwhelmingly apparent that I was giving far much more than I was getting. It was costing me emotionally and mentally. And yet I stayed because she was my best friend and "needed" me. Co-dependent anyone? It finally took her crossing a major boundary for me to cut the ties. Yes, I'm lonlier now, but emotionally better off. She wants to repair our friendship, but I don't want to be used by her anymore. Until I see a major change in her behavior and attitude, it's just not going to happen. I still care about her - I'm just learning to take care of me a little more.

The same pattern can be seen in most of my relationships. The only one being any different is my husband (2nd marriage). I've always been the caregiver and the emotional "rock" others lean on. He's the first person in my life to actually be a real partner and I'm learning from this. While our relationship isn't perfect, what relationship is? I'm learning to express my needs and concerns. When growing up (and in subsequent relationships) that wasn't allowed, so this is all kind of new for me.

I've been lurking on this board, but this is my first time posting. Anyway, thanks for listening and for being here.