Hard breakup, no contact and trying to move forward

[Erin94402]

I posted before about my first foray into dating after a sudden breakup. I thought I'd post now about that breakup. Others on the board atre struggling with theirs, too, and I wanted to relate with mine. It's long, just as a warning...

I'm 27, my ex is 33 and he broke up with me almost two months ago after two years of a very easy, enjoyable relationship because he was unsure of me/us/the future/what he wants. It was very hard, we both cried, he didn't have a lot of answers to give me -- something just told him it was not right. We had an incredible relationship -- it was the longest and most serious for us both. I thought he was the one for me, I had the most incredible love, pride and admiration for him. I felt like the luckiest person in the world to be with him. I could so easily see him as a husband, as a father. I saw us together. I just felt so certain about it. And he treated me so kindly, with so much care and love. It felt perfect. He seemed perfect. I fell in love with him, I fell in love with his family. My parents adored him, our parents became friends, everyone thought we'd move in together or get engaged sometime soon. Especially me. But neither of us felt rushed, we just went with the flow but both knew that settling down was an eventual go for us as individiduals. The love I had for him and with him was completely indescribable. And I felt the most intense pain and sorrow when he broke up with me.

It was an unexpected, incredibly painful breakup -- him saying he loved me more than anything, but felt that ending things was right, that he could not be there for me like I deserved and he couldn't give anything more to the relationship and to me. He said it hurt him to know how much I gave to him and to our relationship and that he could not match it. He didn't know what he wanted, didn't want to hurt me. It wasn't about me, it wasn't about anything I did. It wasn't about another woman or wanting to be with anyone else. He didn't have concrete answers as to why he felt he could not be with me, there weren't really any overlooked warning signs, we never fought and we rarely disagreed. So, it was sudden and shocking to me. It was not planned, however. What began as a conversation about how he was feeling anxiety about work/life/us in general resulted in our dissolution. Fortunately, we managed to break up gently, without harsh words or actions. More so, it occured repsectfully and with love, albeit with tears and sadness on both sides.

We have not seen each other or spoken since two days after our breakup, when I collected my things from his house. I left communication up to him and said it was his to own. He told me he'd want to check in to see how I was in a week or two, after a little time had passed. I said I was not sure how I felt about that, but left it up to him. I have not heard from him. I go back and forth between how I feel about this. In the beginning, it completely shattered me more and more as each day went by and I never heard from him. I am not waiting for his call now, but I do think about it and whether he would ever reach out to me. I am very firm about me not contacting him. It was my last promise to him -- that communication was his. I've stuck to it for nearly two months now.

I saw a few of our mutual friends last night for dinner and found out that he does not have the intent to contact me after all. My ex is exceedingly private and has not said much to friends or family about our breakup and why he did it. His reasons to me were a little nebulous, too. No one saw it coming, especially me. Our friends and families were also very shocked and saddened. Two of our mutual friends who I saw last night, two guys he grew up with and are his closest friends, had been out with him a couple weeks back and decided to see if he would open up more about our breakup. The other couple of times they have seen him since we broke up, they mentioned it and he immediately clammed up, just saying it was hard and sad, he was hanging in there. But then he'd change the subject. So this most recent time they all got together, they asked if my ex had been in touch with me (they knew he had not though) and he said no. They asked him why and he said that too much time had passed and he felt weird calling now to check in on me. They pressed him more for why and kind of ganged up on him, asking him if he thought that was best and why. He was short with them and said he that he didn't really know what to say to me, and he felt badly and didn't want to hurt me more or make things harder. They said it got awkward and he clammed up and it was clear he did not want to talk about it any more. Because of his reaction, they changed the topic.

When I heard this, I burst into tears. And I don't really know why. Everything he told them about why he had not reached out to me is exactly what I had been thinking. There were no surprises here. And I am not waiting around for him to call like I did in the few weeks following our breakup. I also agree -- what really is to be gained from a phone call? Why drudge through this, especially if neither of us feels like we have anything to say and he can't give me any more answers as to why he ended this?

But, I guess hearing that those words came from him and that he truly had no intentions in contacting me -- potentially ever -- still felt hurtful to me. It makes me feel completely discredited, like I'm not even worth the breath, like our relationship was such a minor blip that he can toss it so simply and refuses to talk about it to his closest friends even. I did not fall in love with a robotic, unfeeling person. His approach to this just seems so mechanical. Again, I don't think contact would be good and I understand why for us both, but this just seems like direct evidence that he has truly cut this off and out of his life, and just left it, me and us in the dust and kept walking without ever looking back. It's hard, to feel like this is a setback, another kick. I think about me not contacting him, him not contacting me. We could easily just never be in touch ever again. That in itself is so very sad. Even if it is necessary and true. I'm working hard to move away from this with grace, to be open going forward rather than embittered and jaded. But it is so hard to stay positive when you don't entirely understand why you were left and may never truly know.

[happymom28]

I'm sorry that you are still in so much pain over this. It is so much easier when you know the reasons for things. It gives you some sort of clossure. I can completely understand how hurt you must still be by all this. It's going to take some time Erin, but it will get easier.

I think you are very wise not to contact him. You are so much stronger than a lot of other people who post about their breakups. Contacting him (or vice versa) is only going to reopen old wounds. I think that is why he hasn't called you. He knows he hurt you and there is nothing he can say to make it any better, and he probably feels guilt for that. He is in pain too (from what his friends said) so he may be protecting himself and allowing himself to heal as well. The no contact may be hard to understand but it really is for the best until you are completely over him and your relationship.

Keep staying strong. You will be fine.

[D31]

I do feel for you. And I do agree that you sound stronger than most (and myself when my ex and I broke up) And you are definatly doing the right thing by no contact trust me on this... I made the huge mistake in the past of contacting the ex and I felt worse later.. it was awful. And as far as why he broke up with you.. trying to get answers on why or question yourself. You will never know.. and really no matter what it would have happend at some point.. from the sounds of things. To me he sounds confused. And if you think for a minute he is not hurting wrong.. he is human to. And he may deal or show it a different way.. but he is hurting. You don;t just walk out of a relationship as you had and just dust yourself off. Perhaps this is why he clammed up everytime people asked him what happend.. why etc....he simply does not was to rehash it. Who would ? It is upsetting. So him feeling nothing not the case... My ex did the same thing very mechanical.. like no big deal.. after 3 years.. I loved his family to. He never spoke of it much.. got all private.. it was cause he was hurting. So with that said... keep up what you are doing.. it WILL get better. it takes time and you wonder everyday when will the hurt go away... and it is not soon enough... time does heal wounds.. however it is what you do with the time that helps heal.

[ErimusValidus]

Originally Posted by Erin94402

I think about me not contacting him, him not contacting me. We could easily just never be in touch ever again. That in itself is so very sad. Even if it is necessary and true. I'm working hard to move away from this with grace, to be open going forward rather than embittered and jaded. But it is so hard to stay positive when you don't entirely understand why you were left and may never truly know.

Hi, Erin94402 I just want to say that what you said, above, struck a chord with me. I myself thinking - more than anything in relation to my ex - how sad it is that two people who lived together and shared a bed might never see one another again My ex has been calling me, and I cannot begin to imagine what it must feel like for your ex to have cut you off so ruthlessly, but I honestly think that no contact is the best thing for the person who's been left behind.

It's been nearly a week now since the last phone call and it's given me the time to reflect on what it is that goes through my ex's head when she decides to call. Her behaviour is selfish in comparison to that of your ex. Once somebody has made up their mind that they no longer want to be with you, it is unfair to confuse matters by acting like nothing's changed. By not making contact, your ex is being as kind as he can be in the situation. I bet it sucks, but so does the nervousness and pointless hope of answering my ex's phone calls or messages every five days or so.

Hang in there, Erin94402 I love your name, by the way. I used to know an American girl called Erin and she was such a lovely person; I can tell from your sensitive writing style that you are too. That's why you don't have to worry about the long term: you will find somebody who complements you in every way

[bulletproof]

The same exact thing happened with my ex-boyfriend. I promise you that it does get easier. What's so hard about those situations is that you never know if you can trust your own judgement again. It's weird to be in what you think is a good situation, yet the other person isn't happy. It's also difficult because you want to hate the person, yet technically he hasn't done anything wrong or deliberately hurtful.

I used to be jealous of those people who had infidelity or constant fighting as a cause of their breakup. That's because, to me, the answer would be so clear-cut in those situations.

My only and best advice is to take some time to feel lousy and heal, remain without contact, and try to do things that make you truly happy. In my case, this happened a couple of years ago, and I only recently met someone who I like even more than I liked my ex. That is something I thought was impossible at the time, because I was so in love, but it has happened. It may or may not work out, but at least I will never be as crushed again, because I have made a promise to myself to always rely on me.

And my ex? He has yet another girlfriend, who he can't commit to in a real way, either. Same old. I feel proud that I was the one who was capable of loving, despite the hurt that may have resulted. Be glad you are a loving person and don't feel one bit sorry for that.