Normal to feel this way? Feeling quite sad now

[jaderiver]

I am feeling upset, depressed and lonely right now.

I grew up with parents who never told me they loved me, never showed affection, never hugged me, never protected me. I felt like a stranger and to them I was a burden according to what they tell me.

Not long ago I came out of a very violent relationship and was lucky to have survived. During my time with him I told eventually told my parents about the abuse. They told me it was my fault, I asked for it. They even witnessed him hit me once at a bbq they were hosting. Most of the guests had left already or were inside the house. I looked over after he hit me, my parents just stood there. He went inside and I said "Did you see what happened?" My parents said "Yes, you probably ticked him off and you deserve it!"

After I left him my ex continuted to stalk me, I called the police etc etc. My parents continued to be in contact with him and sometimes told him my location. I didn't find this out until recently. And now if I phone them I never tell them where I am.

So I decided to confront them and ask them why they are so unsupportive etc. My mom said "When your dad and I married we only wanted one child (I have an older brother who lives out of country). You came along, but we didn't want you!"

I said "If you didn't want me why didn't you give me up for adoption or have an abortion?"

My mom said "We didn't give you up for adoption because we didn't want to look bad in front of others. I don't believe in abortion but maybe I should have aborted you!"

I said "Is it also because you are in denial of the violence I went through and you act this way to avoid discussing it?"

My parents said "No, like we said before you weren't wanted in the first place, why should you be deserving of our love and protection. Whatever happens to you so be it!"

Growing up I never craved affection, hugs from anyone because I didn't know what it was like. Once in awhile maybe it crossed my mind. I can only recall being hugged two times in my life. Once by a teacher and someone else. I am 36 years old now.

So after I left this abusive relationship all of the sudden I feel totally vulnerable. Almost like there is a little girl inside of me who wants protection and safety. I am a grown, independent adult and sometimes when I feel this way,I feel silly. It's like all of this vulnerability, wanting to be hugged, protected and held is coming to the surface. I often put on a front to pretend I am tough, don't need anyone.

So is it normal to want to feel loved, protected, and nurtured? I guess all humans need that. Just sometimes I feel awkard feeling this way.

My relatives live elsewhere, I'm not that close to them.

Sometimes I just want someone to hug or hold me.

I am not interested in dating anyone right now because what I went through.

All of my friends have avoided me since the abuse. I told them why I didn't contact them for so long because of my ex preventing me from having friends etc. I also said that I would like to go out and have fun, not talk about what happened, but rather to know how they are doing, old times etc. They say okay, but then the day before or day of plans, they phone and cancel saying someting came up. They always do this to me. Yet I have always been there for them. They tell me not to call until I am back to my normal self. The abuse has affected me as in I am more quiet, shy. But I am not some type of alien.

I just don't know what to do or how to feel.

[tnmomofive]

Your parents are just not people you need to be around.I cannot imagine parents feeling that way and saying those things to their child I think you should stop trying to win their affection and stay away from them.I also think therapy could do you well.I know I would need it if id of been through all you have.As far as your friends maybe they just do not know how to handle it all.I dont know maybe they are not real friends in the first place.I have had very few friends in my life that were there for me through anything.These types of friends seem to be few and far between.Just focus on you for now and what you can do to make life better for yourself.

[rosequartz]

wow - just wow....I am so sorry for what your parents did to you! I just can't imagine that....I'm speechless, I have emotions in my head but I don't know how to put them into words. It is absolutely normal to want to feel loved, hugged, protected, etc. I think you need to look into therapy, and if you do I hope it helps you feel validated. You are a worthy person. Your parents however, leave a lot to be desired. I can understand not wanting to get involved in a relationship. Do you like dogs? Dogs give unconditional love, hugs and protection.....and they're good for the soul. You might want to think about adopting one from a shelter and saving a life. It will make both of you feel better. As far as your parents, I'd stay away from them, and also pick up the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. Parents are suppossed to support and love you, yours do nothing but tear you down and that is more of an attribute of their characters and has nothing to do with you. They are detrimental and definately toxic. On second thought, I'd do more than stay away from them, I would disown them and cut them out of my life completely......stop going to barbecues at their house, etc. They do not deserve your company.

[Larrylou'smom]

I agree 100% with Rosequartz, Susan Forward is excellent. I also recommend another book by her, Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them. This will help you to recognize the pattern of getting into an abusive relationship so you will never do it again.

Yes, it is absolutely normal to need and want physical contact, hugs, protection, love, etc. It's part of being human, we all need to feel connected to other people in a loving way. I don't know what we can say, your parents are just whacked. But I hope you can recognize that the way they treated you was their dysfunction, and had absolutely nothing at all to do with you. They are deeply disturbed, troubled people and I'm so sorry you got stuck with them as parents, but with a lot of hard work, you can be happy and live a full, rich life despite their craziness. You deserve love, attention, affection, protection, etc. Your parents were just incapable of giving it, as was the person in your abusive relationship. Perhaps on some subconscious level, you sought out a man who reminded you of how your parents are toward you and you dated him to maybe trying to get love from someone who was cold and withholding like your parents. I'm not a shrink, but I know that we do that in love sometimes, we subconsciously date someone who reminds us of someone from our past and we try to make it come out better, or try to fix the past somehow.

Anyway, I stronly suggest those two books by Susan Forward and I also suggest you consider therapy or counseling. Look for a good therapist you really trust to help you work through your issues. This is pretty big stuff, and you will most likely need help with it.

Hang in there, and for what it's worth, (((((HUG))))) you can consider that number three.

[Seraph]

There is a saying that whatever doesnt kill you makes you strong.This is what I was thinking as I read your post. You have had a very deprived upbringing in lots of ways. Yet, here you are, moving on in your life, and even having the strength to confront your parents about their rejection of you. To me, you sound like a truly strong, very centred person with a solid core of integrity inside. You have a lot of insight as to what you are and what you need from life now, and there is no sense that you are just wallowing in blaming your parents as an excuse for not living. Sure, you have had some hard times, but look at you - you are not on drugs, alcoholic, self-destructive, or manifesting any of those extreme damaged behaviours (I am assuming this, admittedly from your post). One thing - I think your parents did you the biggest favour. They never put the blame for their rejection on you. They always made it clear that you were not wanted by them, but that it wasn't something you needed to be punished for. They left you alone to develop on your own, and you have made a great job of it. Just stay away from abusive people and look after yourself. learn from your past and keep growing as you have been. I admire you immensely, and you are an awesome person. Sera