Working Our Way Back to Reality Land...

reachout · 07-05-2007, 10:29 AM

Hi Everyone

I was just reading a bit on the board this morning. As I read others' stories who are still detoxing and in the early stages of recovery, some thoughts have been crossing my mind about where I am today. I have been sober-thinking for a while now and working my way back into the everyday life that I think is normal for me. I feel pretty normal now. I am immersing into the humdrum of daily chores, working a bit, visiting a bit, entertaining a bit.

As I read posts from members ( Coder, Meddguy, Chrissy), I was struck by the words that the emotions are going up and down... that some feelings of being in a funk come and go. I feel like that somedays, or parts of somedays, too. However, I don't think the funky times are from detox for me. I think they are just nice, normal funky times. There was almost a bit of an excitement, a high even, as I fought to get off the meds. For the first time in a long time, that fight made me feel more alive than I had for so long. I wasn't just plodding thoughtlessly through my life anymore as I fought.. I had a purpose, a goal, a determination to accomplish detox. And I did.

However, once the detox ends and recovery begins, the excitement of it all is over. New things must fill my life now, and by the very nature of re-entering real life, these things are going to be mundane. The work, the cooking, the garden-tending. Even the novelty of rediscovering these things wears off and they beome routine and mundane. I think it is important to recognize that life is not always an exciting adventure! It is a series of everyday stuff that occurs over and over. As it occurs, we have little exciting moments that we learn to appreciate and notice. We also need to remember to appreciate the hours that are not exciting and notice them and be thankful for them. every single one of us along the way has written that we would give anything just to have a nice, everyday life back again. Well, I got exactly that and then wasn't sure what to do with it.

Now I am sure. I am going to live it. I am going to be happy with it. I have reached a pont where I can no longer point to my drug journey and let it be the recipient of everything I now feel. This is not in anyway a finger-pointing posting. It is just to share my feelings with those a few steps behind me. I think this point will come for each of us.

I am thinking of Philster right now, an experienced board member. I know he is dealing with a major health issue, but I don't know what it is. I know it is not drugs. And I know he has moved on to the everyday things life brings us as well as the out-of-the-ordinary it sometimes brings. This is life as I knew it before my years of fog. Sometimes good, sometimes trying. It is what it is not because I had to come off painkillers, but because it is life. I will remember this experience (like who could forget it!), but I will put it in its proper perspective... one of a series of impacting events that makes me who I am. I like me again and it feels good. I will use the culmination of all my experiences and try to stay in the mode of liking myself.

So, that's it. Thanks for letting me share.

Love
reach

skych · 07-05-2007, 09:30 PM

Reachout...

You are such an inspiration to me. I have learned so much from you. I love that you are grateful!

Even though I have been in recovery for almost three years....I mean steps meetings sponsor all that stuff i do feel that because I used opiates for pain that I am now really sensitive to every little thing.
Even though I used the stuff like it was directed does not mean that my mind and body are not changing, or changed from the experience.

I have pain now but it is different....Weird...I know it is pain from restoring strength from the surgeries and injuries. Not pain from problems that are not even defined.
I do work every day I get up to try and be on the right track with my thinking and my actions.
That is huge for me!! I feel like I have been through so many things that I am in sort of an awe of how far I have come...
Not just with injuries and pain and healing, but the healing of my soul!!!! I can't tell you how many times during the last 3 years I just wanted to give up! Not drink or abuse drugs....not end my life not do anything but just stop the facts of life! Sometimes I felt to tired to continue.
I have learned so much about surrender and acceptance. I do have some emotional things going on .....mostly fears.....I don't have to run from them today...I face them and address them.
I am going through another phase of recovery and another phase of the workers comp stuff. My arm is getting better. Even though it hurts and my neck hurts I gotta remind myself that I have come a long way.
Life will always throw me a curve ball!!! How else would I learn, but from my life situations.
I know that since I relapsed after almost 4 years of being clean and sober, and coming back to the 12 step program I have been through the ringer with challenges...health and female stuff besides the workers comp and arm stuff....relationships family passing away, inner stuggles that were very deep, depression and I still have that, but the one thing I know is that no matter how bad things feel , I won't die from my emotions no matter how bad things look or how sad happy or scared that I feel, as long as I share with others and for me personaly stay close to the 12 step programs and an HP that I call God....I don't ever ever have to pick up any drug and use it to escape from everything because it is NOT a solution to ANY problem feeling or challenge that I may face.
I do alot of work on myself everyday..I don't always need to know why or how?
I just get this great life and all I gotta do is stay clean and sober and work on myself so that I can become a better person and even the bad or hard stuff when I look at it later is not so bad.
I can't always say that I feel that way right when I am going through something really heavy but if I can look inside myself I can find out some things...some good and some that need changing.
Today I am willing to do the work on myself...I am teachable and open to life.
Does it always feel good? NO!
Do I always see the leson? No sometimes I gotta experience things over and over and still can't seem to get it right but I always improve.
Do I love myself today? Yes I truly do!
There is no hole in my soul anymore.
Anyway I am grateful.
I made it to my Mom and Dads and it is scortching hot here 109% and of course my arm is aggivated but I have iced it and taken some tylenol...now I am on this board and then I will spend time hanging out with my Mom visit my Horse in the back pasture and what else could I ask for...I don't always get what I want ....But I always get the things I need....
Chrissy

drasticactions · 07-06-2007, 05:00 PM

Hi everyone-

Reality can indeed be a chore at times. Incredibly mundane, yes. Easy to take for granted, definitely--but worth every bit of sacrifice we've had to make to experience it with a clear head, absolutely!!!

I am new posting to this board (although I have been lurking for a while) and I have a little over 9 years in recovery. I am going through an issue with taking pain meds for a relatively short period of time (as prescribed) and am currently beginning a taper. I find myself re-experiencing a lot of the old thought patterns (self-pity, anger, anxiety, etc) that I used to have, even after all this time. The thought of experiencing opiate withdrawal again, even on a low level, makes we go into panic mode and doubt myself. My sponsor says if I needed the Norco legitimately and am tapering as directed, there's no problem--but it still scares me--a lot.

It just goes to show that continued recovery and commitment to sobriety takes diligence, and all we have is a temporary reprieve from our addiction contingent on our willingness to continue to do what is necessary to maintain it.

Anyway, when I detoxed from heroin in 1998, I thought that once I felt better physically, everything would be OK. Little did I know that's when the real work had to begin. I had to accept the fact that I AM NOT MY DISEASE!!! Even though I was self-centered for so long, I was still basically a good person and that I was not a bad person trying to get good, I was a sick person trying to get well.

My biggest challenge in recovery by far has been complacency. I've seen quite a few people with quite a bit of "clean time" go back out and use over it. By far the greatest enemy. It's so easy for me to settle into day-to-day existence and lose perspective of where I came from that it takes a constant effort to remain grateful that I even have a day-to-day existence.

But I am convinced that if I hadn't gotten clean when I did, I would probably be dead now. And fellowshipping with other people in and out of AA/NA has saved my hide on more than one occasion.

I have a much different quality of problems than I did 9 years ago--now they are trials and tribulations of a mundane existence. Work, school, family, responsibility. All the things my extended adolescence robbed me of back then are the things I forget to be grateful for now. Every once in a while I have a serious gratitude attack. I wish I had more of them.

Thanks for reading. I'm not sure I made any sense but I'll probably stick around here a while. It's too bad it took what I'm going through now to find this board.

Scott

HA! I just realized this board is censored. Guess I'll go back and clean up some potty mouth before I post this.

There it is. The PG rated version. For some reason, that really surprised me.

reachout · 07-06-2007, 07:09 PM

Hi Scott

I have read your post here twice already and plan to read it again after a (hopefully!) quick response.

Anyway, when I detoxed from heroin in 1998, I thought that once I felt better physically, everything would be OK. Little did I know that's when the real work had to begin. I had to accept the fact that I AM NOT MY DISEASE!!! Even though I was self-centered for so long, I was still basically a good person and that I was not a bad person trying to get good, I was a sick person trying to get well.

THIS paragraph I have read three times already because it just hit on such a huge truth for me in my journey and I think may be pertinent to so many here. In the depression that set in from using opiates and the depression that followed stooping using opiates ( now, talk about a no win situation!! hahaha), I could not shake that 'worth nothing, no soul at all' description of myself. Caring people would try to tell me, convince me, that I had worth, but while I could hear their words, I couldn't feel them. I was a "bad person", "not worth the effort," actually ashamed that I needed so much help and support to get better. Well, by golly, Scott.. you hit the nail right on the head (see how well I can clean up language, too???). I was, we all have been or are, sick people trying to get well!!! Oh, I wish I could implant those words of yours into every single person struggling with these issues today.. So important to accept and really and truly acknowledge and feel.

Okay, stop time. I am going to go back and read again and try to remember many of your words to share with others here in Reality Lnd. Smiles.

Thank you so much for sharing. It is giving me a preview of how I might see and feel nine years fom now!

From the berry patch
reach

skych · 07-06-2007, 08:38 PM

Thanks for your story Scott...

I will have 3 years in September.

I had a work injury and I really stuggled with taking pain meds.
I did not abuse them but I always had that constant nagging tugof war that was going this is ok because you are doing as the doc has directed and then the other half the time I was saying oj it is wrong.

I have not abused thm for the entire time I had to be on them and I attribute it to working with a sponsor and continueing to do all the 12 step stuff.
Even when I did not want toI did it anyway.
I relapsed one time after almost 4 years invested into clean and sober. My drug of choice was Methamphetamines.
I detoxed from Methamphetamines 2 times and then even though I did not abuse the pain meds I still went through a directed taper with the doc and I am still dealing with some things as they come up.
I am out of town and I was already on the phone with my sponsor letting her know I was feeling icky.
The difference is that today I am learning to take care of myself. So that is what I did...went and layed down for a while.

I can not express the gratitude that I have for my life...I mean all of it...It is only fro the work I do everyday on myself and my spiritual condition that I have been able to walk through the things I have already.

Thanks for sharing.....you reminded me of the feeling and things I went through while I had to be on the pain meds. I need to always remember that I am an addict and alcoholic...I am good with that.

Thanks again..Chrissy