Is this illness or personality and what should I do?

[Tiger Cub]

I have previously posted about someone who used to be my closest friend.The friendship went wrong when she "claimed" that certain things she did were caused by depression /mood disorder.She was seeing a doctor etc .Throughout the time we were friends I gave her lots of practical and emotional support with this.She told me how much she "loved and cared for" me as a friend.One of the features of her "illness" was risk taking behaviours and an obsession with sex.I expressed worry/concern about these things.As time went on,she gradually began to make excuses for not wishing to see/speak to me.She told lies,was manipulative and selfish.She was becoming involved in a relationship with someone very young (just legal) and was obsessed with it.In the end,she broke off all contact with me in what she knew to be a very cruel and hurtful way.This was some time ago.

The more I look back on it,the more I really wonder if her behaviour towards me was actually caused by illness or whether she really is just not a very nice person and was using illness as an excuse for behaving cruelly.The reason I say this is because throughout it all,she was always capable of doing things if the end goal was to get her needs met. This meant that although she may claim not to be able to do certain things with me (through illness)..if it meant that there was something or someone she really wanted,she could do those same things.This is what makes me think that she was using illness as an excuse-surely no-one can pick and choose when they are ill like that?

The thing is that what she did really really upset me-I don't think anyone has behaved so heartlessly towards me before.At the time,believing her behaviour to be through illness,I didn't say much.Now though,I really feel that I ought to write to her setting out what I think of her behaviour and my feelings on the subject.Obviously she told me lies about how much she cared for me as a friend,I was just another person who happened to be useful to her at a particular time,so she made an effort at that time.

I just wondered whether people thought this was a good idea from my point of view (I'm saying from my point of view because she looked at everything from her point of view and not from mine at all).Do people think I should point out very clearly what I think of her behaviour as I've said here?,or,if I do get in touch,say something else?I feel this is something I need to do for myself.

I am seeking advice here as I do not want to be unkind if what happened was genuinely caused by illness and ,despite everything,I do still care.I do feel I need to have my say though.

Thank you.

[Tiger Cub]

Please can someone answer?

[mike1225]

Hi TigerCub.... I think that it is difficult to really comment on this situation as we/I don't really know the exfriend of yours. However, if what you say is accurate, then I would have to lean towards your explanation making sense.

However, personally and from experience, it might be best not to write your friend and tell her this. The reason is because there is no good that can come out of a letter like that. Chances are that it would upset her more and cause more negative feelings and/or arguments. It would also likely cause more hurt in you as you realize more and more that she is just a bad person.... and if she is a bad person, then the letter wouldn't be taken for its value anyhow. Sometimes, in situations like this, it is probably best just to be sure of what you thought and let it go as best as you can, and move on, without your friend in your life. Writing a letter will likely make things worse, even if what you write is accurate.

Just my opinion... hope all turns out well for you

[Tiger Cub]

Thank you for your reply,Mike.

Suppose I put things a different way to her?Supose I tell her how much her behaviour upset and hurt me and how shocked I was by it bearing in mind our previous friendship.Suppose I say that since she always blamed her behaviour on illness,that I'm trying to understand that.If she responds badly/negatively then maybe I'll know that fundamentally she is the heartless person her behaviour suggested.On the other hand,if there was anything genuine in what she said about how much the friendship mean to her,then she'll respond positively,won't she?

One of her issues was with low self esteem and ,ironically,it seemed that because I did genuinely care for her,she couldn't cope with this-she once said that she was "too important" to me-anyone understand this? She seems,on the contrary to seek out relationships in which she knows she is destined to be hurt/let down sooner or later,but seems to prefer that.

Anyone help further with understanding ,or what I should do-I do feel the need to actually address this matter in some way,for my own sake.

[bethsheba]

Tiger,

If the relationship isn't mutually beneficial, for whatever the reason, it may be time to move on...I think Mike gave you some good advice. If you feel you owe this person an explanation, tell her the truth.....tell her you need to spend more time with other people right now, or whatever. No need to go into depth here as it sounds like she may not be ready to hear more.

Bethsheba