Feeling so unloved

[flahers]

I feel I just cant handle my nearly 90 year old mam any longer. As an only child growing up she was always in terrible form to me and my dad, everything was on her terms and she would flip at the slightest thing. My dad was such a gentle man and did everything she wanted. She regularly told me I was the devils daughter and much worse, never praised me or liked anyone. Unlike my dad I stood up to her and now wish so much I could turn back the clock cos this made her even worse and my poor dad suffered more.

My dad passed away three years ago and she blames me because I had a row with her a few days before he died, everything that went wrong in her life was my fault and now my husband and I do everything for her. She lives in her own big house and is very fit, can walk two miles a day and no real health issues. She is pessimistic about everything and makes life awkward for us. I feel so stressed and guilty and dont know what to do anymore. I just dont want to be near her, the memories are terrible.

[rudiraven]

You should not feel guilty. You owe your mother nothing but common decency. Check on her everday, by phone if you can, just to make sure she's well. Any other help she needs can be hired. Other than that, just get on with your life. She is what she is and will never change. You will never please her, so just let it go. I wish you peace

[misty125]

Dear Flahers, Rudiraven is so right in that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have your own life to live. You and your immediate family are the most important thing right now. Your mam chose her own life to live and she has to live with the repercussions of her own actions, and that includes how she has alienated and literally psychologically abused you. I don't know what types of aid or support groups are available in Ireland for your mam, but are there any groups that offer help with elderly needs? You say she is very fit, so maybe she doesn't need any real help, in which case, you can get on with your life as Rudiraven suggests. Just knowing you have done the best you could in your life should be satisfaction enough for you to move on with peace of mind.

Good luck and hugs,
Misty125

[mentalmum08]

First off - What kind of MOTHER dumps that on her child? Certainly not a loving one. My mum is in the end stages of Alzhiemers and she was horrible to me growing up. I'm a 52yr old female, and I still suffer from PTSD due to her cruelty to me. I love her because she is my mother, but as a person I couldn't and wouldn't give her the time of day for quite a long time until I began to heal a bit myself. As I said she is in the last stages of her illness and I help to care for her. You must set boundaries that are acceptable to you and stick to your decisions. Ask yourself a ? Would you treat your child like that? You have to deal with this in a passive non-aggressive sort of way if you can. I hope you reach some clarity on the matter. Your life will be over sometime. Don't waste it pandering to a selfish self-centred, toxic, poisonous old woman. Begin to love yourself. Cherish yourself. It becomes infectious when you become comfortable in your own skin. People notice.

sandra xoxoxo

[misty125]

Beautifully said, Sandra!

Hugs,
Misty125