Is it time to offer care?

[mf1681]

Sorry for the long post. This is my 1st time here and I'm looking for some advice.

I'm 33 and live in Oregon with my husband and 6 year old son. I operate my own home daycare.

My Grandparents live in California (My grandpa is 88 and my grandma is 77). My grandpa has a lot of health problems and has been relying on my grandma to do most of the caregiving. My adult aunt lives with them (has always lived with them and is now 44).

There are several problems.. here are a few of them:
1. My Aunt is (has always) taken financial advantage of them. Has no job, pays them nothing. Eats and lives for free. My aunt is a complete slob, does no laundry, leaves messes, doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't cook for herself etc.
2. My Grandma has diabetes and it is getting out of control. She is exhausted all of the time, she is having a lot of difficulty taking care of my grandpa and my adult Aunt.

I would like to provide care for them but I am at a loss as to where to start. Their finances are completely being mis-managed.

I am far away however I would be willing to/and able to quit my business to care for them in my home, this would require them relocating. My mom lives 5 hours away, but is finanacially unable to quit her job care for them.

Would you just offer to do their finances? Would you apply for power of attorney? Would you move them ?

thanks!

[Choice]

Discuss this with them. Don't treat them like children. In their minds you will be taking away their independence. They should be a part of the decision making as long as they can. They may be waiting for you to offer to help. Most parents and grandparents are afraid of imposing on and intruding on their children's lives.

[Misty800]

I agree with Choice.

It is best to leave grandparents in their own home where they are happy. Moving them is too upsetting and would be away from their friends and others they know.

My parents lived alone at ages 93 and 98 until they both fell and broke their hips. No, things were not perfect but they were happy to be in their own home. We had hired help living on premises as long as my mom would allow them to stay, in other words she ran them off or we had reason to fire them. Old folks do not like making changes until they absolutely have to and your grandparents are not at that stage yet.

The best thing for your "grandparents" to do is inform their daughter living with them to get up off her backside and help around there. Your grandparents should set the record straight and give her specific duties, something they should have done many years ago.

It would be good if all of their children (not grandchildren) have a family meeting and discuss with your grandparents their needs at this time. Your grandparents need to make it known what they need and want.

It is admirable you are willing to take care of your grandparents, however, many do not realize what caregiving is all about. The caregiver must be at home, not out having fun and doing other things they normally do now. You will need to hire a sitter for them when you need to go shopping for groceries or other. In other words the caregiver must stay tuned in to their needs 24/7. The older they get and the more care needed the harder it is for the caregiver. You will need to have a very understanding husband and both of you realize things will be different, you will not have as much time for your own family.

I took care of my mother-in-law for several years and lost my own health in the process. I did everything with no help. Even tho it was my husband's mother, he still did not like having to be the forgotten shoe many times because his mother's needs had to come first and there were only 24 hrs in a day for me to take care of everyone. I still had teenagers in school.

As a family member we do need to step up to the plate and help out, but everyone must enter into caregiving with their eyes wide open and realize it is not a piece of cake, many sacrifices will need to be done on the caregivers part.

It is time for your lazy aunt to step up to the plate and do her part instead of being a burden.

[mf1681]

Originally Posted by Misty800

I agree with Choice.

It is best to leave grandparents in their own home where they are happy. Moving them is too upsetting and would be away from their friends and others they know.

My parents lived alone at ages 93 and 98 until they both fell and broke their hips. No, things were not perfect but they were happy to be in their own home. We had hired help living on premises as long as my mom would allow them to stay, in other words she ran them off or we had reason to fire them. Old folks do not like making changes until they absolutely have to and your grandparents are not at that stage yet.

The best thing for your "grandparents" to do is inform their daughter living with them to get up off her backside and help around there. Your grandparents should set the record straight and give her specific duties, something they should have done many years ago.

It would be good if all of their children (not grandchildren) have a family meeting and discuss with your grandparents their needs at this time. Your grandparents need to make it known what they need and want.

It is admirable you are willing to take care of your grandparents, however, many do not realize what caregiving is all about. The caregiver must be at home, not out having fun and doing other things they normally do now. You will need to hire a sitter for them when you need to go shopping for groceries or other. In other words the caregiver must stay tuned in to their needs 24/7. The older they get and the more care needed the harder it is for the caregiver. You will need to have a very understanding husband and both of you realize things will be different, you will not have as much time for your own family.

I took care of my mother-in-law for several years and lost my own health in the process. I did everything with no help. Even tho it was my husband's mother, he still did not like having to be the forgotten shoe many times because his mother's needs had to come first and there were only 24 hrs in a day for me to take care of everyone. I still had teenagers in school.

As a family member we do need to step up to the plate and help out, but everyone must enter into caregiving with their eyes wide open and realize it is not a piece of cake, many sacrifices will need to be done on the caregivers part.

It is time for your lazy aunt to step up to the plate and do her part instead of being a burden.

[mf1681]

Originally Posted by Misty800

I agree with Choice.

It is best to leave grandparents in their own home where they are happy. Moving them is too upsetting and would be away from their friends and others they know.

My parents lived alone at ages 93 and 98 until they both fell and broke their hips. No, things were not perfect but they were happy to be in their own home. We had hired help living on premises as long as my mom would allow them to stay, in other words she ran them off or we had reason to fire them. Old folks do not like making changes until they absolutely have to and your grandparents are not at that stage yet.

The best thing for your "grandparents" to do is inform their daughter living with them to get up off her backside and help around there. Your grandparents should set the record straight and give her specific duties, something they should have done many years ago.

It would be good if all of their children (not grandchildren) have a family meeting and discuss with your grandparents their needs at this time. Your grandparents need to make it known what they need and want.

It is admirable you are willing to take care of your grandparents, however, many do not realize what caregiving is all about. The caregiver must be at home, not out having fun and doing other things they normally do now. You will need to hire a sitter for them when you need to go shopping for groceries or other. In other words the caregiver must stay tuned in to their needs 24/7. The older they get and the more care needed the harder it is for the caregiver. You will need to have a very understanding husband and both of you realize things will be different, you will not have as much time for your own family.

I took care of my mother-in-law for several years and lost my own health in the process. I did everything with no help. Even tho it was my husband's mother, he still did not like having to be the forgotten shoe many times because his mother's needs had to come first and there were only 24 hrs in a day for me to take care of everyone. I still had teenagers in school.

As a family member we do need to step up to the plate and help out, but everyone must enter into caregiving with their eyes wide open and realize it is not a piece of cake, many sacrifices will need to be done on the caregivers part.

It is time for your lazy aunt to step up to the plate and do her part instead of being a burden.

Thanks for your reply. I agree that it would be "ideal" for them to stay in their own home .. however these are some of things that cause me concern:
1. They aren't feeding themselves
2. My grandma doesn't have the "energy" to be my grandfather's caregiver anymore (she has her own illness)
3. Although there is an "adult" child in the home she is not mentally mature or responsible enough to be handling their household, which is one of the reason's this situation exists.
4. The money has been so severely mis-managed that there is debt piling up.

I'm not really sure why you would disregard an adult Grandchild from a discussion though, that may be different with every family I guess. In my family I am the only person financially capable of providing care for them.

I agree with the other poster as well. I think it may be time for a frank discussion.

My biggest concern is how to handle an adult child in their home misappropriating their funds.