It's only days like this I allow myself to think about her properly otherwise I try to push aside those memories, I turn the tele over if it mentions cancer at all, last week work was raising money for Macmillian Nurses so I didn't go in.
My nan and myself looked after her for a year while she died. I did very little I selfishly hid upstairs whenever I wasn't at uni. We didn't have a very good relationship she had anxiety disorders and was quite paranoid so she refused to stay in hospital when her knee and hip bones broke due to the cancer spreading there or take antibiotics when she had infectionsfrom the cafeta. We did such a bad job and she was a very proud women so sheoften shouted at us. Doctors and disrict nurses must be used to carers doing a badjob as they never seemed appalled like I was at the standard of her care. Maybe I was nieve when I assumed morphine and doctors kept u comfortable as you die. I just hate to think back to what a child she became, wide eyed and hallucinating. Her screams and sobbing when we changed her sheets.
I had my first dream about her last week where she wasn't ill she was just being picky with me like she'd always been it was such a relief. Now today it seems I'm back where I started, cryin looking at her ashes. I just hope i pull myself together before work this evening. I feel like i'm being punished for trying to ignore her dying and still trying to ignore her now
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