17 months ago, I lost my sweet daughter to SIDS. She was five weeks old when she died, and would be 19 months old now. I was the one who found her, and performed CPR on her, knowing that she was already gone.
I did better with my grief the first year, than I am now. I think I was numb, only allowing myself to feel enough to go through some motions, but never fully dived into it. On what would have been her first birthday, I delivered my son. They were both born eight weeks early, so having him was a BIG trigger for me. The first year I would have a few days filled with overwhelming grief--sadness, anger, depression. Then I would have a few days where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. My days would make 'okay' status on occasion. For the last few months though (actually, about 7 months), I have been in such darkness...my days are consistantly bad. I wake up crying, I fall asleep crying, and there's not a lot of breaks from the tears throughout the day. I'm having more nightmares and flashbacks from the morning I found her, than I have the entire time. Every little thing sets me off anymore....and I'm not able to find a relief from the depression. I have four little ones to take care of, and it's taking everything out of me just to function-let alone, be a wife and mother. I am going through counseling, am on Zoloft, and also taking a grief recovery class....but I feel like I'm going no where but deeper and deeper. Does this ever get easier? I am miserable...I don't know what I'm doing that is making this so difficult. I just feel hollow...and like I'm hanging on by a frayed thread. This is horrible!
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