beside myself

[snickirlou]

It's been 6mos. since my husband of 16yrs. passed.I know in my heart that my pain of missing him will never go away.We did everything together, we worked together so it's even hard to be there because I still expect to see him walking down the hallways toward me to take our breaks together. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my entire life. We always wanted to die in each others arms of old age, it wasn't supposed to be this way. He died of a heart attack at 46yrs old. We were together 24/7. It feels like I'm dead inside, I don't enjoy anything any more. I go to a grief support group 1x a month but it doesn't help much. I force myself to do things but I'd rather be with him(but I don't believe in suicide), so I have to pray that it won't be long till I'm with him again.Been through Fathers day, our anniversary, my birthday, his birthday, and still have to go through the holidays. I can't take much more of this.I know his spirit is still with me, but I wish I could hear his voice, see his beautiful face, hug him, instead I hug his pillow and kiss his picture.I truely hate life now, it can't be over fast enough for me. I see my therapist 1x weekly, she's very understanding and she even knew us before Ron passed and liked him alot, it just hurts so much going home knowing he won't be there. I go to the cemetery because it's peaceful, I know it's just his body there and not his soul or spirit but I can at least talk to him without people thinking I'm crazy. I believe that only your body dies, but your soul still lives, you never really die you cross over to the other side. I have felt Ron with me and he's given me many signs that he's still with me and watches over our family. But like I said , I wish I could hold him and talk to him and hear his voice, at least that would make life a little easier to live till we're together again. Does anyone else feel this way? I know alot of people don't believe in the after life and that's okay for them, I don't mind as long as they don't judge me for my beliefs. I'm so sorry for anyone who has lost a loved one and has to be on this journey of an emotional rollercoaster. I hate this "new life," that's been thrust upon me. I can honestly say that I will live the rest of this life by myself because Ron was, is, and always will be the only one for me. The love we have for each other is enough for me to last until we're together again on the other side. I'd like to hear from others who are going through this, maybe we can help each other, it's sad we have to be here but it's comforting to know we're not alone, that there are others going through the same things we are going through. Take care and peace to all. Linda

[leighsanders]

I can understand completely what you are going through. My husband of one year passed away on August 29, 2009. I have no desire to go on. I too, do not believe in suicide but I pray that I will have a heart attack and just go so that I can be with him. The bereavement classes help a very little. Life just doesn't seem worth living anymore. I miss his smell, his touch, his smile, his presense. I miss his zest for life. I don't know personally if I will ever make it through this. I hope that you can find peace someplace. Me, I can't.

[snickirlou]

Hi leighsanders, I feel so much the same.I know I can't take much more of this day in day out misery. Ron is constantly on my mind. I can't stop thinking of him. I have sleeping pills but even when I take one I wake up 2 hours later and can't fall back to sleep. I still cry every day, I miss him more all the time. When I do go out to stores or with my sister or sons somewhere and I see couples I feel so cheated out of my future of us and I know our dreams are shattered until I'm with him again. I just keep praying GOD has mercy on me and lets me come home to be with him and Ron and the rest of our family that have passed over. I hate this life(if you want to call it that), I'm just existing. I'm so sorry for your loss. Alot of people don't understand the agony we're going through until they've gone through it, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope you keep posting, you can take a little comfort in knowing you're not alone in how you're feeling. I go through so many different emotions all the time and others have told me it's normal and if this is normal then I'll be "normal" the rest of my days because without Ron physically by my side I see no joy in my future. I pray we both find the peace we so desperately want. Sending hope and love from one lost friend to another.

[leighsanders]

Thanks Snick. I sit at work and wonder why I am even doing this. I have no desire. Like you, everyone tells me what I am feeling is normal. If this is normal I don't want anything to do with it. I waited 43 years to meet my Mark and to have him for the short period of time that I had him seems like a cruel joke. I met him in November of 07, moved in with him January of 08, Married him July, 08 and lost him August, 09. Where is the fairness in that? I have a son. He is 17. He grieves with me but certainly not in the same way. He is so young. He can't completely understand why I am so sad. He tells me Mark would want me to move on. Well Mark isn't here with me anymore. Mark left. I am trying to move on the best that I can. I am questioning my faith, I am questioning if there is a God, I am questioning if there is Heaven. If there is why have I not gotten any signs that my husband is ok. It is like he is just gone, never existed. How can I possibly go on. I am so sure you can appreciate what I am thinking and feeling.

You are in my thoughts.

[snickirlou]

I do know exactly how you're feeling. I've been sick with the flu this week so I've been off work, but you know what, I,d rather be sick and at home than to be there at a place I hate being at anymore. Ron always made being at work bearable just because he was with me and we could laugh about the things going on and the people there. Now my co-workers almost go out of their way to avoid me because they don't know what to say or they're afraid they might make me cry. But I'd cry no matter if they talk to me or not. I don't even care if my work is up to my standards or not(I used to be very picky if things weren't just right), but it doesn't matter any more. I guess you might say I'm a spiritualist as far as beliefs. I know they say GOD calls our loved ones home when they've learned the lessons they were brought here to learn, but I am angry, and hurt to think that I was left behind to deal with all of these feelings and I don't know how to handle it. I do feel like I'm losing my mind. And I've been told to keep busy but take time to feel all the emotions because it's part of grieving, what the h-ll does that mean? On one hand keep so busy your head spins and on the other hand cry,be angry, feel guilty, blame GOD or yourself or other people for what happened,and get yourself sick from all these feelings! I just wish it would all stop and I could be done with this life cause it's just too much to deal with and definetly not worth living for. You're right, I question everything too anymore. I know my kids(2 from a previous marriage&2 from Rons previous marriage), don't really understand either. They grieve in their own way but nothing like you or I are going through. They don't know what it's like until they've lost someone they've given their heart and everything to and I hope that's not for a long time for them but I do wish they could understand a little better because it gets so frustrating at times. I know I don't even have to ask you about how hard it is when you have to try to keep from crying when talking to someone in a public place when they ask how you're doing. I can't do it any more, now I tell them the truth and I cry if I have to, I don't even care if they didn't really want to hear the truth, they shouldn't have asked. See, I've even been really irritable lately. And my therapist says it's going to get worse(as if I couldn't figure that one out for myself, because of the holidays coming). At least when I'm talking to her I can say anything I want or cry or yell and she does understand but even she's never lost a spouse or partner. She did lose her Father some years ago but not quite the same, not that that 's not a great loss, but it's different. Ron was THE ONE,he was my 2nd & last chance for love and happiness and it was the greatest,(not perfect of course,but what relationship is), but we loved each other unconditionally and put each other 1st which is what I didn't have in my 1st marriage. He rescued me and helped me believe in love again. And now it's all been taken away. I've been told I'm still young & it could happen again(that's a stupid & inconsiderate thing to say to someone who just lost the love of their life). Plus everyone who really knows me(an I'm sure you feel the same way), knows I'll never remarry or even consider dating again, EVER! Sorry for rambling, it's just nice to have someone who understands and really cares. Just a little about me, I'm 52yrs., I live in Erie,PA. MY first name is Linda, but feel free to keep calling me snick, I actually like it better, like I said before I have 4 kids(2 mine -2 Rons), all grown and on their own, 2 grandkids and 1 on the way(don't feel like a granny, don't see them often, they live in Virginia). I'm thinking of getting out of town for the holidays for a week, need to decide soon before ticket prices go up. You know they've said there are real cases of people dying from broken hearts, I can believe that cause my heart has been crushed beyond repair and I have alot of heart problems on my moms side of the family, including my sibblings and myself so I can only pray it won't be long for me. Sending a BIG HUG and hope both our prayers are answered soon. Snick