Need suggestions on how to cope

[stacy W]

I lost my mom November 2009 to bone cancer that was secondary to her breast cancer. I was very close to my mom as my parents divorced 25 years ago and my brothers and I were the only family living close to her. She was my best friend and my biggest supporter. I spoke with her on the phone daily and she spent a good portion of her time with me and my family. She lived with the cancer for 5 years and up until the last 6 months she felt great. She lived on her own and had a great attitude. Unless she told you you would have never had known she was so ill. The end came within a 5 day period, so fast. She had everything in order several months before she passed so I think that she knew it was coming. I guess I always thought that we would have had more time. I have a job where I work varied hours out of my home, I have two teenage boys and a husband. We have an active lifestyle spending many weekends at the lake and desert. I have a wonderful life. I thought that as time went on the pain would subside. Some days it seems worse. I am in charge of taking care of her house, bills, etc so it is always on my mind. My husband was also close to my mom so he handles my grief by leaving me alone which isn't working. I also have spoken with our family counselor but it hasn't helped much. My boys want their "old" mom back. She is ever present in my heart and my thoughts. There are days that getting out of bed is hard to do. Can anyone suggest good literature on the subject or any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I just don't know what to do to make things better.

[bluegrass1965]

I found a wonderful book at our library: A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One, by Carol Staudacher. Each page has a thought from a survivor who was coping with the death of a loved one, i.e.:
"I want things to return to normal."
"I'm so tired, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything."
"How am I supposed to ever act happy again?"

The author then helps the reader to explore those feelings and provides suggestions about simple ways to begin the difficult adjustment of life with a missing person. This book was so helpful for me after my dad died last month that I bought copies for my mom and my siblings.

If your husband was also very close to your mom, can you tell him exactly how you are feeling? HE might be more comfortable *not* talking, but if you are able to talk about your mom with him, or the two of you could talk to your counselor together, it would probably help to lift some of the weight off of your shoulders. If you need help working through this then let your husband know you are struggling. If he won't listen or doesn't take it seriously, tell your family counselor. You could also change counselors and talk to someone new. You have to take care of yourself and think of what YOU need, or you eventually will be exhausted by it all and not be able to take care of anything.

For me, it has always been easier to keep driving on and stay busy and tired all the time. It was much, much harder to ask for help.