why can't i take my meds right

[vrwnva]

I am a blessed 44 year old mom and grandma. I have a wonderful, patient, understanding husband. I take narcotics for chronic pain. I just can't seem to stop taking to many. I know in my mind I'm hurting myself as well as everyone I love. But the want for those extra pills overides everything. My husband feels as if nothing is more important than my pills, including him. My children just hate who I have become they want their mother back. I am terrified to admit this problem to my pain mgmt docter because I do suffer so much pain. Its like the withdrawals I put myself through each and every month are worse than the pain. But if i don't treat the pain the pain is as debilitaing. I have tried giving my meds to others. It doesn't work. I will cry, as I'm doing now as I overtake my meds. I feel like such a failure but still do it. what is wrong with me. I want so badly to take them right so I can have my pain under control. Not withdrawal every month to the point of such horrible mental and physical anquish. I know I have a emptiness I'm trying to fill. I need therapy to deal with a lot of unresolved pain. But again I don't do it. So this is the start of me trying to help myself. I really dont want to lose the access to the meds. but i don't know what else to do i just want to be normal. be a mother a grandmother and a spouse that my family deserves. i know noone can make this go away for me. but just thought putting it in words and getting input would help. i really do want to stop abusing my meds is it just too late for me to every get it right. do i just have to make the sacrifce and deal with the physical pain. thank you in advance just for listening. Renee

[denon]

I would suggest that you talk to your physician about what is happening. They understand that people do become addicted to pain meds. You have a right to treat legitimate pain with pain meds, but when you abuse it, then you're starting to have a problem.

When I finally got off the Oxy, my wife was so relieved and told me how much I had changed when I was on them. You do change!

There is something called opiate induced pain syndrome that makes your body think you are actually in more pain than you really are. After I read about it, I realized that I had the symptoms where the sudden trace of any pain, I was running for the pain meds, instead of seeing how much pain I was actually in. The only reason why I got off of the Oxy was because I had a doctor's appt and I wanted to go in while in full pain so the doc could evaluate me better. Much to my surprise, I wasn't in that much pain. It was at that point when I began my detox off of the Oxy.

Only you can evaluate how much pain you are in, but you have to realize that the pain meds do change you and you have to find an appropriate balance. Your doctor may be able to prescribe something different to handle your pain better and not effect your mood as much.

[vrwnva]

thank you for that denon. I am really at battle with myself if my pain is as bad or worse than the withdrawals. It is so horrible. mental and physical anquish. I have such a huge fear of losing my meds. I've suffered the withdrawals before but still couldnt get rid of the craving to take a pill. This began after a bad fall in 98, then a few major surgeries from 2003-2007. The morphine pump begins to not be enough, you get put on something stronger,,,,,,,,,,,sigh.

several doctors say i need narcotic pain meds. i want more than anything to take them correctly. Its become soo much of an addicotion to me now tho, a habit to pop a pill. Its like its to late for me to take them right. its all or nothing. My husband has been thru so much with this he sees me taking more than i should i always have a reason. DENIAL....He tries to talk to me over and over month after month so i wont end up out and i get so so sick. I don't listen its like somebody else takes over me. I know the facts but it seems to just leave my mind and i just want to take them regardless of the fact that im hurting all that love me and the fact that i am going to be deathly ill when i run out. I know sounds like ADDICT!!! The bad thing is hubby keeps trying cuz he knows i have legetimite pain.

Im afraid to tell drs bout my problem cuz i am afraid of not living a quality life from the pain will be as bad or worse than the way im going now. im afraid they wont treat me. i was going to a pain dr and was told just be honest whatever the deal is just be honest. well i called the dr after using all my prescription and told her im having a problem taking my meds correctly. I thought she would help me at least to get through the withdrawals and even detox maybe the suboxone ive read about. She just stopped me cold turkey would not even see me anymore. So much for just being honest. She didn't care that I was honest and was reaching out for help. It makes me really scared to be honest about it to another doc.

i start with a new pain dr Dec. 2 about an hour away. I wish I could be honest and still be treated with the narcs. they are all that touch my pain. I have gastro issues and cant take any anti inflammatories. Well this will be my second try at a pain mgmt dr. maybe it will be a better experience.

gosh im typing so much and could keep going. Ok one more thing a few months ago. i went into severe withdrawals from tramadol...went to ER. was so sick stomach pain horrible. they xrayed me then determined it was wds for the tramadol. pumped me full of diladid, definetly was wds. i was better instantly. i was admitted, my pottassium was real low. they kept me a couple of days giving me diladid all day 1st day then going down to percs 10. The drs that treated me there does not have a office she works the patients in the hospital. its a small town. She does work some pain mgmt. with hospice patients. I went in there saying i want off these narcs. i dont want to feel this horrible feeling of wds again. They convinced me, not that hard. that i need the meds. with my medical pain issues. i should stay on them so i can have some quality of life and not be sore and in pain all the time. So here we are again. the dr at that hosp is giving me scripts monthly until i get in pain mgmt. day at a time i guess

thanks for listening sorry its a book LOL

[jonblaze1976]

You are not alone...

I have dealt with my pain for about fifteen years now. A car accident when I was 18, with a drunk driver running a stop sign, fractured a few vertabrae (L4-L5-S1) requiring initial spinal fusion with later distectomy, p.t., cortisone injections, accupuncture, etc. I was on pain meds for about eight years straight. They were the only thing that worked. An easy, quick solution that made me feel normal again. Like I could function as a normal person... I so did not want to FEEL disabled. I wanted to play with my kids and... just be able to function in daily life.
I empathise with your situation as it is my own. Doctor after doctor not wanting to deal with you. The shame from not being able to control yourself and the feeling like you are ruining everybody elses life around you. Knowing you have a problem, but being scared to say anything to the docs, lest they cut you off altogether. I know it is scary and you feel lost. It has been a long journey for me: years of opiate use, E.R. visits, withdrawals that feel like every good feeling has been sucked from your body and all that is left is pain, gloom, and darkness. The feelings of guilt and being trapped with the choice of either continuing down this path or being in pain forever was overwhelming. It is a battle. Honestly, I contemplated suicide.
I finally bit the bullet and told my doctors that I could not control my pain med use and they stopped me cold turkey too. The withdrawals were so bad that I had to be hospitalized to detox. I noticed that some of my pain was definitely opiate induced pain syndrome as well. It wasn't that my pain was non-existent... Just the constant use of pain meds seemed to increase my sensitivity to the pain when I didn't have the meds. I would hurt all over and I wasn't injured all over. It took months for that constant feeling of withdrawal and extreme pain sensitivity to fade away. I won't lie, it sucked. But it seemed to me that the longer my body went without the meds, my memory of what it felt like to be on the meds waned, and with it the withdrawals. I went a few years w/o pain meds and struggled with daily pain, though not nearly as bad as the withdrawal symptoms I faced w/ pain med use. Eventually, I started having neurological symptoms (leg weakness, couldn't feel my legs at times) and required distectomy. This gave me relief for a couple years, but it never really went away.
So here is where I stand now, and I think you can definitely relate: I have daily pain, but I can't take meds correctly. I have been addicted to them before, and I don't feel bad about calling myself an addict. The medicine creates a physical and psychological addiction over time. It is not your fault, it is the nature of the medicine. We are in a crappy predicament- daily non-stop pain and the only source of relief (pain meds) comes with its own source of problems. I am sorry for talking so much about my situation. I only do, so that you will know I understand your situation deeply.

Let me tell you what worked for me. First, I had to get off the daily pain meds. These opiate medicines replace your body's natural production of pain relieving chemicals and hormones. That's why you feel so crappy and not just in normal pain when you are off the meds. Your body has stopped producing these chemicals, because sustained opiate use has filled those neuroreceptors in your brain for so long your body has learned to not to produce its own. Like I said earlier, it is going to suck. Just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That horrible feeling will go away. You have to reset your brain.

My doctor has set me up on a med plan where I take pain meds one week on- one week off. No excuses, no leniency. It is a give and take. I am pain free half the time, but not on the meds consistently enough to have withdrawals. I do have the extra sensitivity to pain the first day off, but it tapers off quickly. I call my week on pain meds my " vacation from pain" and tell myself on my week off that the pain I am experiencing in no way comes close to that horrible feeling of withdrawal from being on the meds consistantly. It is the only way I can control my use.
I feel for you and I hope the story of my journey gives you some hope. I hope that you recognize that you are not alone. I used to sit by myself and cry unconsolably. I would tell my wife that I was broken inside and I didn't know how to fix it. I felt so alone in my world of pain and struggle. I had no control, no hope, only despair. Now I have pain half the time, and that really isn't so bad.

[Boxerluver]

VRW, another option may be to find an addictionologist. They deal with addictions but they also help people who have real pain and need pain meds but also have addiction issues. I'm not sure how easy they are to find but those docs will be more versed in what kind of meds will be good and if you do have hyperalgesai, what options would be best for you.

Good luck!!
Melissa